Wednesday, November 01, 2006

It's Come To This

So I've come to some serious conclusions.

1) I am tired of feeling used.

2) I hate My Space. I am deleting my account in its entirety.

3) I deserve better than what I have settled for in the romance department lately.

4) I need to give myself a good chunk of non-dating/non-boy focused time. It's all about M-E.

5) I do not have the answers to any of my questions. I'm tired of the questions.

6) I use men as a way of validating my shitty feelings about myself. That is so 1992.

7) I want more but am not ready for it. Yet.

8) Worrying about men liking me is such a waste of my precious time.

9) Why don't I like me enough to not care so much?

10) See? More questions. Refer to #5.

This is the beginning of something even though it feels like the end. I moved here to start a new life. I've got the new apartment. The new city. The new job. Hell, I even have a new haircut. But when it comes to love? It's the same ol', same ol' crap. It's my internal dialogue that isn't healthy. So I am giving myself the gift of time. I'm going to feel the loneliness of not actively looking for dates or having plans with someone with potential romantic possibilities. I'm going to get down to business with the business of knowing myself. And I damn well better find some hobbies because lord knows I will have plenty of free time on my hands without the preoccupation that boys have given me. Whatever will I do with myself?

I truly feel like this is the first step in becoming more the person I am meant to be. I've got to have a lot more respect and love for myself than I have lately. I'm having a Come To Jesus talk with my self-esteem. I don't want to feel less than anymore.

23 comments:

sandra said...

Is there a theme song? I feel like there should be a theme song.

Sizzle said...

got any suggestions. i love a good theme song.

Lushy said...

You are so much more than

Theme Song? I'll share Hot Pants with you. ;)

Mrs. Ca said...

From what you write here, you sound like a pretty fantastic person. I hope that you find that in your quest to find yourself. :)

Circe said...

1. Find what makes YOU happy.
2. Widen out to include others.

Very true. :)

alissa said...

I think "Spring Street" by Dar Williams should be given consideration for your theme song. I love theme songs!

Also, spend as much time as you can with Finn, I was going through the same type of thing when my nephew was born, and he helped me SO much. I instituted "Dates" with him and to this day when we spend the day together, we still say we're on a date. Foster relationships with your loved ones, they're part of the road to finding yourself!

And always lean on your friends!

alissa said...

Oh! Another Dar Williams theme song "As Cool As I Am"

Margaret said...

My Space is evil.

Melissa said...

Join the gym. Not to get skinny, but to feel better. I'm a control freak, and I can't control a lot of really important things in my life right now - work, the boy - but I'm learning to control my body in tons of new ways and it is soothing my battered psyche. I switch on my MP3 player, hit the eliptical trainer and I'm off.

Becky said...

You go girl! I know many people that have taken up knitting:) A while back, I did a post like this and someone commented that we should "never look to others for our own happiness." That just stuck with me.

Jenny said...

you go on with yer bad self!

cheers to you lady!!!

Mr_Rodacre said...

I still vote for Mary Tyler Moore's theme song - Love is All Around - but this time use the one as sung by Joan Jett.

And I agree with Melissa on the gym thing (not that I practice what I preach) - I think the exercise would be a good way of venting your feelings about stupid boys. Weren't you gonna do a swim thing? Maybe take some refresher classes in self-defense? Hell, maybe TEACH some classes at the local community center.

Cupcake, men suck and women are crazy. This is what I have learned. We just need to recognize it. Adapt. Move on.

Once you do that, and you think you are ready for the life of a cat lady, you'll be hit by the steam train of love. It's just how it goes...

snackiepoo said...

Good for you for talking yourself into this; I wanted to say something before but then I totally realized that no one can tell anyone that they need to spend time with themselves until they are ready to do so, cause believe me sister....I have totally been where you are more than once.

I had no idea that MySpace was such a hunting ground. The only people that I ever talk to are people I already know in real life or in blog land, haha.

sue said...

{{{hugs}}} You can do it. I know ya can.

BullysE said...

I'm well-acquainted with #5-9...but it keeps coming back to 9 for me, surprisingly. I thought 5 was the problem, but honestly, people who are so self-contained, they just are much more peaceful and accepting of life as it comes.

Now, how to rid the voice in my head that says it is Lonely, and wants someone to play with...*sigh*

question girl said...

hey, you KNOW i know what you are feeling....

you know i am here to support you...

howver, i must admit that you feeling the same way makes me feel better in that it reminds me that i am not the only one who feels this way

so, even though we live on opposite sides of the country, know i am here for you

Miahart said...

the second you are not looking and you start looking at yourself...the one comes along.
you are on the right track!

quietlife said...

As always, I love reading what you write here. It is very raw and very honest. I don't comment as much as I read, but I admire what you are doing.

When I was moving all the time, a friend told me - whereever you go, there you are. No matter where I went, I still had the same stuff to deal with. I've realized that in addition to packing and unpacking my physical bags, I've got tons of emotional baggage to sift through as well.

You are still in transition. Sure you've unpacked the physical stuff, but you've got other stuff to do as well. And you are doing it boldly and honestly.

JustRun said...

"I don't want to feel less than anymore."

Amen to that.

I tell you what, dating has done one positive thing for me this year: made me realize how little I'm willing to give up for people. It's going to take something r.e.a.l. to keep me from the things I do, it really is.
I'm proud of your honesty- please realize how truly rare it is.

Red said...

MySpace is the work of the devil, IMHO. I'm so glad it wasn't around when I was in high school, because the social power wielded by everyone's "top 8"s would've been out of control. I'm glad I'm old enough now to be ironic about it. Mostly.

matilda said...

Wake up each day and find something to laugh about. That's my daily goal. Not everyone is meant to find true love. Enjoy life and enjoy Finn and your sis and bro in law and your mom and all your wonderful real life friends, your blog friends, ..... and if love happens for you it happens, if it doesn't .... life still will go on. Finn will still love you, your friends and family and blog friends will still like you and life really will go on. Amy

Solnichka Frankenstein said...

Take your time to be YOU; it will come together when you're done with that task ... you've known this for years, Nessy. :)

Anthony S. said...

A good step to take.