It's Come To This
So I've come to some serious conclusions.
1) I am tired of feeling used.
2) I hate My Space. I am deleting my account in its entirety.
3) I deserve better than what I have settled for in the romance department lately.
4) I need to give myself a good chunk of non-dating/non-boy focused time. It's all about M-E.
5) I do not have the answers to any of my questions. I'm tired of the questions.
6) I use men as a way of validating my shitty feelings about myself. That is so 1992.
7) I want more but am not ready for it. Yet.
8) Worrying about men liking me is such a waste of my precious time.
9) Why don't I like me enough to not care so much?
10) See? More questions. Refer to #5.
This is the beginning of something even though it feels like the end. I moved here to start a new life. I've got the new apartment. The new city. The new job. Hell, I even have a new haircut. But when it comes to love? It's the same ol', same ol' crap. It's my internal dialogue that isn't healthy. So I am giving myself the gift of time. I'm going to feel the loneliness of not actively looking for dates or having plans with someone with potential romantic possibilities. I'm going to get down to business with the business of knowing myself. And I damn well better find some hobbies because lord knows I will have plenty of free time on my hands without the preoccupation that boys have given me. Whatever will I do with myself?
I truly feel like this is the first step in becoming more the person I am meant to be. I've got to have a lot more respect and love for myself than I have lately. I'm having a Come To Jesus talk with my self-esteem. I don't want to feel less than anymore.
19 comments:
Is there a theme song? I feel like there should be a theme song.
got any suggestions. i love a good theme song.
You are so much more than
Theme Song? I'll share Hot Pants with you. ;)
From what you write here, you sound like a pretty fantastic person. I hope that you find that in your quest to find yourself. :)
1. Find what makes YOU happy.
2. Widen out to include others.
Very true. :)
I think "Spring Street" by Dar Williams should be given consideration for your theme song. I love theme songs!
Also, spend as much time as you can with Finn, I was going through the same type of thing when my nephew was born, and he helped me SO much. I instituted "Dates" with him and to this day when we spend the day together, we still say we're on a date. Foster relationships with your loved ones, they're part of the road to finding yourself!
And always lean on your friends!
Oh! Another Dar Williams theme song "As Cool As I Am"
My Space is evil.
Join the gym. Not to get skinny, but to feel better. I'm a control freak, and I can't control a lot of really important things in my life right now - work, the boy - but I'm learning to control my body in tons of new ways and it is soothing my battered psyche. I switch on my MP3 player, hit the eliptical trainer and I'm off.
You go girl! I know many people that have taken up knitting:) A while back, I did a post like this and someone commented that we should "never look to others for our own happiness." That just stuck with me.
I still vote for Mary Tyler Moore's theme song - Love is All Around - but this time use the one as sung by Joan Jett.
And I agree with Melissa on the gym thing (not that I practice what I preach) - I think the exercise would be a good way of venting your feelings about stupid boys. Weren't you gonna do a swim thing? Maybe take some refresher classes in self-defense? Hell, maybe TEACH some classes at the local community center.
Cupcake, men suck and women are crazy. This is what I have learned. We just need to recognize it. Adapt. Move on.
Once you do that, and you think you are ready for the life of a cat lady, you'll be hit by the steam train of love. It's just how it goes...
{{{hugs}}} You can do it. I know ya can.
hey, you KNOW i know what you are feeling....
you know i am here to support you...
howver, i must admit that you feeling the same way makes me feel better in that it reminds me that i am not the only one who feels this way
so, even though we live on opposite sides of the country, know i am here for you
the second you are not looking and you start looking at yourself...the one comes along.
you are on the right track!
"I don't want to feel less than anymore."
Amen to that.
I tell you what, dating has done one positive thing for me this year: made me realize how little I'm willing to give up for people. It's going to take something r.e.a.l. to keep me from the things I do, it really is.
I'm proud of your honesty- please realize how truly rare it is.
MySpace is the work of the devil, IMHO. I'm so glad it wasn't around when I was in high school, because the social power wielded by everyone's "top 8"s would've been out of control. I'm glad I'm old enough now to be ironic about it. Mostly.
Wake up each day and find something to laugh about. That's my daily goal. Not everyone is meant to find true love. Enjoy life and enjoy Finn and your sis and bro in law and your mom and all your wonderful real life friends, your blog friends, ..... and if love happens for you it happens, if it doesn't .... life still will go on. Finn will still love you, your friends and family and blog friends will still like you and life really will go on. Amy
Take your time to be YOU; it will come together when you're done with that task ... you've known this for years, Nessy. :)
A good step to take.
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