Sunday, October 22, 2006

No Amount of Ice Cream Can Fix This

I'm way deep in melancholy. Excuse me while I cry into my pillow.

Once again I have learned that you can't look outside of yourself to fill the holes inside of you.

You see, I tried to put myself out on limb and like someone. I got my hopes up. I invested energy. Ok, I had a daydream or two. And really what did all that amount to? Nada. Just another lesson learned. Just another story to tell my girlfriends when we sit around and bitch about boys. Ugh. I want a happy story! I think I want it too much. So of course, I won't be getting it any time soon.

Try as I might, I am no good at this dating thing. One crappy experience has me pledging myself to the nunnery and thinking up grandiose schemes to propel my Self-Improvement Plan. Did you ever do that? When your heart cracks a bit, you go internal while externally professing that this is JUST what you needed to happen because now you can focus on "you" and ya know, lose 60 lbs or start taking Tai Chi or learn to resole shoes or some shit.

Sometimes I really feel like Bridget Jones in that scene where she is drinking alone and singing "All By Myself." I can watch myself from afar and chuckle because I can identify with the lonely heroine but inside I'm trying not to cry because goodlordalmighty I don't want to be that way/feel that way.

I'm not a quitter by nature but I seriously think about just turning off that part of my heart that longs for a partner and to be in love. Does anyone know where the switch is? Right. We don't have access to that information. Damn it.

Sometimes being alive hurts.

18 comments:

Lushy said...

*giant hug*

Becky said...

I'm so sorry to read about this. I was hoping your weekend would've had a different outcome.

Melissa said...

I can see I need to go whip some ass.

Jenny said...

each step, each experience, whether good or not-so-good, shapes you and you learn more and more about how to love yourself. you will weather this storm. miss s, i am sending you big hugs and love.

Maman said...

if it makes you feel better I feel like that all the time and I am married 17 years... sometimes stuff just sucks. Hope it is better soon

Margaret said...

Learn to resole shoes! That's brilliant. I'd have a skill that would set me apart.

Nihilistic said...

Sometimes it hurts a lot...But then it won't

Meagan said...

omg, sizzle - are you in my life?

question girl said...

sizzle - i'll sing backup harmony with you

all by myyyyyyyyy sellllllffffffff

snackiepoo said...

I am so sorry you are going though this stuff, but hey...Bridget is cool ;).

You know it does sound like happy horseshit but give up on men like now and one will come, I swear.

Claire said...

Hmm. Perhaps one day soon, you too will be running through the snow in your underwear after your man. Or not. ;)

The only off-switch I know of is clinical depression. Trust me, it's better to care even if it hurts.

Alison said...

*hug*

Dawn said...

Sizzle...I'm sorry and I understand. Going through the same stuff myself.

I was in Target and almost started crying in the baby section. *sigh* I'm like a walking cliche...wanting marriage and babies and all. Ah well.

Anonymous said...

And how do you live when you are so raw that every feeling is unbearable?
Supple

Lynn said...

Oh, Sizzle, I'm so sorry! Yes, I once envisioned myself at the nunnery, but I was just kidding myself. I knew they'd throw me outta there. Life can be so ironic. I hate irony. It sucks. When I was so lonely and - ok, I'll admit it - husband hunting, I got nothing but shit. As soon as 'the hunt' blew up in my face in a really big way and I was terrified of men - yes, that's right, along comes the future hubby. I got what I wanted and could barely reach out and accept it. I feel for you, honey. I really do. Have you visited the Sound Garden in your quest for a new centering place?

Mr_Rodacre said...

I am sorry you are hurting.

I hurt someone today. I suspect she is feeling the same as you about now.

I am not proud. I could have handled things differently. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but sometimes I don't think it can be helped...

I didn't feel the same as she and I couldn't continue knowing that I wouldn't. That wouldn't have been fair to her.

I feel like an ass.

JustRun said...

I do know what you mean. It hurts but it's real and I try and tell myself that I'd rather feel it than not. That doesn't always work but it's worth a try.
You're worth it, too so hold out, better days will come.

alissa said...

Just remember, Bridget ends up with Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver fighting over her :)