Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Clarity Comes

At 4am, I had an epiphany. I woke up and thought:

I don't have to feel bad. I have a choice.


So I chose to let it go.

Because you know what? All that really happened was the idea I had of someone turned out to be untrue. And all I lost? Was the daydream. And honestly, there are plenty of other men to daydream about. Ones I haven't met yet. Who don't come with any sort of reality. The safe kind of daydreaming.

See with this latest fella, I felt like he was one way- full of charm and smarts with a sexy look to him. I thought- wow is this an apparition? And then after the second "date" it turns out he really was just that- an apparition. I don't want to spend any more energy on a man who lacks integrity, who isn't forthcoming, who isn't thoughtful or kind. I deserve better.

I actually believe I deserve better. That's a huge step for me.

And it isn't like he dumped me. It just became very clear to me that whatever had been progressing was at a standstill. Whether that was just a chemistry thing, that whole lame drama about the My Space stalker or his current two month work stint in another country- whatever the reason, it feels done. Sometimes you just know. There were too many pieces that didn't click. And I don't have to make it right. And I don't have to be overly accommodating. And I don't have to feel like a loser. I just have to let him go. Good-bye apparition.

Love is a gamble. We all know this. I guess I just needed to remind myself that if I don't roll the dice, I'll never know if I could land a pair of aces. Wait- is that even a correct gambling metaphor? Whichever. You know what I mean. Practice makes perfect. Keep your chin up. Yadda yadda yadda.

Thanks for all of your supportive comments and emails yesterday. It really helped me to see things clearer.

"The music and the hope for love keep me alive still I wonder, how will he find me?" -The Weepies

16 comments:

sandra said...

Good for you! You do deserve better -- and the way I see it, if someone doesn't ADORE you for you -- he's obviously not right for you anyway.

That said, the daydream is sometimes hard to let go. Sucks when hope leaves...but it's always great when it comes back.

alissa said...

It's hard when people disappoint you. The beginning of a relationship shouldn't be so hard though - it shouldn't leave you questioning so much. You do deserve better and I'm SO proud of you for seeing that!

Moving on. He has no idea what he's lost.

Jenny said...

how much do i want to give you a hug right now!!! lady, these are times i miss ya more than ever...

good for you. you deserve greatness. :)

Lushy said...

You are the smartest person I know! :)

JustRun said...

Boy am I glad to read this. You are so right and like I said in my last comment, so very worth it.

Mrs. Ca said...

That sounds like exactly the right attitude to have. Good for you!

Kris said...

You are spot on . . . Sometimes being alive does hurt. I'm so glad to see that you are on the upswing from that.

Melissa said...

V. proud at your mental strides. This really is the attitude to have. Makes me wonder though how many other women he's made feel like this - especially if he's got one out there right now fishing off his MySpace page.

We don't start off this crazy, they make us this way.

Becky said...

Kudos to you for realizing that he wasn't worthy of you. Too often we worry about whether or not we deserve them, when it goes both ways -- do they deserve us?

Anonymous said...

If you can catch crabs from MySpace, I hope he gets them threefold. What a dick.

Alison said...

Awright! Good attitude!

Lynn said...

There's another bright side here. You didn't waste more time on Mr. Wrong! The longer you hold on to an apparition, the more it hurts when you find you must let go.

gorillabuns said...

okay, i'm gone for a week and all hell breaks lose!

i'm sorry you have been going through some suckage but am glad you are coming to the realization that you DO deserve better!

hopefully, you didn't give this someone your macked-out garage door opener...

Nihilistic said...

You do deserve better!

sue said...

Holy Cow, Sweetie! I get busy and don't get over for awhile and you go all dating and everything on me!! Then I missed it all!

It sounds like you have come to the right conclusion. Remember, YOU come first. Trust your judgement. It will win out. Also remember, "he's out there"... honest.

Love ya, hun.

Bone said...

Good for you! I agree. Trust your instincts. They're there for a reason.

There comes a point in every relationship when it's clear things aren't going to work. Unfortunately we, or at least I, tend to let things drag on and on way beyond that. Which ends up being a waste of time.