Thursday, September 28, 2006

Words Don't Sound Right

"... how we feel about ourselves determines what we are able to create for ourselves." (taken from my Daily Om)

I read more of the book last night. I pushed past a difficult chapter where all I could do was nod my head in agreement and feel sad. Then I got to the chapter that focused on the daughter/father relationship and it was as if someone watched my childhood and then wrote it all down.

Deep breath.

I'm in push away mode. I'm stuck in old feelings of not being good enough. I cried for a good hour on the bathroom floor. Why there? It felt small and safe. I wanted to be held but there was no one to do it. And lord knows I won't ask. I never ask for what I want. I don't even know how to formulate the ask in my head.

"Can you identify with any of these lessons that adult daughters with alcoholic fathers shared?'

  • I still want to understand my father. I still want his acceptance and approval. (Yes and this proves very difficult since he died when I was 19.)
  • I want to love him, but I hate what he does. (Was very true when he was alive.)
  • I have a low opinion of marriage and relationships. I fear I cannot find a successful relationship. (Oh boy do I.)
  • I am aware that I have issues with my nonalcoholic mother. (Yes, but those have slowly been working themselves out.)
  • I have difficulty relating to males positively. (True dat.)
  • I learned to tolerate too much inappropriate behavior from males. (Yes indeedy.)
  • Am I good enough to be loved? (In my head, the answer to this question is always No.)
  • She who gives away the most is the best. (Yay! I win!)
  • I find "healthy" males boring, and the "wrong" ones available. (Um, yes. Shit.)
  • I never received enough attention. (I feel like I got a healthy dose of attention growing up but once my dad's drinking was full blown, he didn't much notice anyone.)
  • I missed not having a "father-daughter" relationship. (Very, very much. It's hard to go from daddy's little girl to feeling like you are invisible. Plus, talking to a dad who is passed out in the chair doesn't really say "bonding" to me.)
  • I have difficulty expressing anger to my father. (Near the end of his life, it was all I had really. To mask my sorrow.)
There's a list of reasons I should avoid intimacy right now if ever there was one. Me dating would only cause a mountain of problems and an inevitable break up. But you know what? I've always felt that way whenever I've dated anyone. It won't work out. I'm not good enough. Why bother? They'll just leave when they figure out how messed up I am. Blah, blah, blah.

I think I am feeling sorry for myself today. It's very unattractive.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can actually sympathize with alot of what you said. While my dad wasn't an alcoholic, he had an affair that led to his divorce from my mom when I was going through my formative teenage years. I've had alot of issues with the idea of relationships as a direct result. Namely, I believe all relationships are doomed to failure, especially mine. So I tend to shy away from even the slightest hint of intimacy.

However, I've recently come to the realization that denying myself intimacy with another person isn't going to solve my problem. In fact it makes it worse. I wallow in my loneliness and shake my fist at my dad for screwing me up. What good does that do?!?

I've made this my new mantra "I deserve to love and be loved". I think that the only way for me to truly heal is to start putting myself out there. The thought of making myself vulnerable is indeed scary, especially after I've built up so many sturdy walls to keep my heart safe. But I do think that it'll be worth it in the end.

"Our suffering will peel away to reveal a brand new skin. Love heals all wounds, not just time alone" - Jeff Buckley

Melissa said...

It is no longer a wonder to me that even as a complete stranger I feel such a connection to you.

It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.

JustRun said...

Since I've been revealing myself in your comments section lately, it doesn't feel so strange to say this but once, a really good counselor told me that if I wanted to push through something, I had to give myself permission to do it.

I think part of us (and sometimes a LARGE part of us) wants to stay in the "safety" of the traumatic incident(s) that lead us to where we are now. It's not a happy or nice place, but it is familiar and without giving ourselves permission to leave that place, we never really feel comfortable getting out.

I think intimacy is the same, if not exactly, this way. If we don't allow ourselves to be in it, we never really have to risk anything. We don't want to be guarded, but it's what we know and that has no risk.

It seems against the rules to find safety and comfort in a place where we know we're not truly meant to be, but we get used to it. Maybe, when we allow ourselves to get out of that familiar space, we can begin to find a new comfort in the unknown. The unknown, though frightening, will have a way of being just as consistent as the pain but it holds so much more promise than where we've been.

amy said...

All those points you listed are almost identical to those listed in my head but have never put down on blogs, paper, journals.... believe me Siz, there are more of "us" than you think... you are NOT alone.

sandra said...

Um...yes.

Nihilistic said...

How do we get you to ask for what you want?

Bone said...

I have no idea what to say. Except you seem like a wonderful person.

Fathers be good to your daughters.

sue said...

Yes. Different parents. Same situation. You. Are. Not. Alone.