"... how we feel about ourselves determines what we are able to create for ourselves." (taken from my Daily Om)
I read more of the book last night. I pushed past a difficult chapter where all I could do was nod my head in agreement and feel sad. Then I got to the chapter that focused on the daughter/father relationship and it was as if someone watched my childhood and then wrote it all down.
I'm in push away mode. I'm stuck in old feelings of not being good enough. I cried for a good hour on the bathroom floor. Why there? It felt small and safe. I wanted to be held but there was no one to do it. And lord knows I won't ask. I never ask for what I want. I don't even know how to formulate the ask in my head.
"Can you identify with any of these lessons that adult daughters with alcoholic fathers shared?'
- I still want to understand my father. I still want his acceptance and approval. (Yes and this proves very difficult since he died when I was 19.)
- I want to love him, but I hate what he does. (Was very true when he was alive.)
- I have a low opinion of marriage and relationships. I fear I cannot find a successful relationship. (Oh boy do I.)
- I am aware that I have issues with my nonalcoholic mother. (Yes, but those have slowly been working themselves out.)
- I have difficulty relating to males positively. (True dat.)
- I learned to tolerate too much inappropriate behavior from males. (Yes indeedy.)
- Am I good enough to be loved? (In my head, the answer to this question is always No.)
- She who gives away the most is the best. (Yay! I win!)
- I find "healthy" males boring, and the "wrong" ones available. (Um, yes. Shit.)
- I never received enough attention. (I feel like I got a healthy dose of attention growing up but once my dad's drinking was full blown, he didn't much notice anyone.)
- I missed not having a "father-daughter" relationship. (Very, very much. It's hard to go from daddy's little girl to feeling like you are invisible. Plus, talking to a dad who is passed out in the chair doesn't really say "bonding" to me.)
- I have difficulty expressing anger to my father. (Near the end of his life, it was all I had really. To mask my sorrow.)
I think I am feeling sorry for myself today. It's very unattractive.