Way Leads Onto Way

Building a new life is hard. And that is the understatement of my life.

Last night as I sat on my couch crying for a good hour, you know, to get that emotional wreck look going right in time for my interview today, I realized something. Now that I am hours upon accepting a job, my search is over- no more checking craigs list, no more tailoring cover letters, no more panic attacks over what outfit to wear to the interview, no more waiting for a call back- that chapter is in its final paragraph and we're all waiting with baited breath to see what will happen next. And I am so freaked out by this prospect, I had a mini-meltdown. Like I said, just in time to look puffy for my noon meeting.

Once I decide, I will be employed. In Washington state. That will mean I really and truly live here. I live here. This isn't some long vacation. This is my new life. I guess 6 weeks of stressful job searching allowed me to live a bit in denial of that fact. Last night I felt such sorrow for what used to be and longed to feel a part of something I understood, that felt familiar. But I can't go back, not even mentally. I've come this far and somewhere inside me I have to muster the energy to deal even if I'd rather curl in a ball or hermit away. But the ridiculousness of my coping mechanisms is a post for another day.

I'm having a Robert Frost two paths thing right now. Two roads have diverged and I? Which will I take? I didn't think it would culminate in this- two tempting offers from two worthy organizations. Yesterday the foster care place called me to inform me that they are upping their offer. They already offered me the top of the pay scale for that position. Now they've tacked on $1500 more because that is how much they want me to work for them. I could have lived on the original salary. But that gesture alone makes them more appealing. Not only have they graciously allowed me until today to make up my mind knowing full well I have final interview with a rival organization. Not only did my potential new supervisor listen and discuss openly with me about the pros and cons of working at her organization, she encouraged me to make the right choice for me knowing that I had just moved here and am trying to adjust to a new life. With the organization, the one I have the interview with today, they have run me through 4 interviews. We've met in their crowded, messy office in uncomfortable chairs. They've repeated the same questions and I've had to answer, again. And now I have to "dress to impress" their A #1 Board member and really "wow" her because 4 people who are employed there who have a high opinion of me isn't enough to offer me the job.

I consider how I have been treated and the feeling I get at each place because ultimately, how that effects me is much more influential than any paycheck. It isn't about the money. I can live on either one of them. It's now all up to my gut. What's it going to be? And then what? Then I really live here and this is really my life.