Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Way Leads Onto Way

Building a new life is hard. And that is the understatement of my life.

Last night as I sat on my couch crying for a good hour, you know, to get that emotional wreck look going right in time for my interview today, I realized something. Now that I am hours upon accepting a job, my search is over- no more checking craigs list, no more tailoring cover letters, no more panic attacks over what outfit to wear to the interview, no more waiting for a call back- that chapter is in its final paragraph and we're all waiting with baited breath to see what will happen next. And I am so freaked out by this prospect, I had a mini-meltdown. Like I said, just in time to look puffy for my noon meeting.

Once I decide, I will be employed. In Washington state. That will mean I really and truly live here. I live here. This isn't some long vacation. This is my new life. I guess 6 weeks of stressful job searching allowed me to live a bit in denial of that fact. Last night I felt such sorrow for what used to be and longed to feel a part of something I understood, that felt familiar. But I can't go back, not even mentally. I've come this far and somewhere inside me I have to muster the energy to deal even if I'd rather curl in a ball or hermit away. But the ridiculousness of my coping mechanisms is a post for another day.

I'm having a Robert Frost two paths thing right now. Two roads have diverged and I? Which will I take? I didn't think it would culminate in this- two tempting offers from two worthy organizations. Yesterday the foster care place called me to inform me that they are upping their offer. They already offered me the top of the pay scale for that position. Now they've tacked on $1500 more because that is how much they want me to work for them. I could have lived on the original salary. But that gesture alone makes them more appealing. Not only have they graciously allowed me until today to make up my mind knowing full well I have final interview with a rival organization. Not only did my potential new supervisor listen and discuss openly with me about the pros and cons of working at her organization, she encouraged me to make the right choice for me knowing that I had just moved here and am trying to adjust to a new life. With the organization, the one I have the interview with today, they have run me through 4 interviews. We've met in their crowded, messy office in uncomfortable chairs. They've repeated the same questions and I've had to answer, again. And now I have to "dress to impress" their A #1 Board member and really "wow" her because 4 people who are employed there who have a high opinion of me isn't enough to offer me the job.

I consider how I have been treated and the feeling I get at each place because ultimately, how that effects me is much more influential than any paycheck. It isn't about the money. I can live on either one of them. It's now all up to my gut. What's it going to be? And then what? Then I really live here and this is really my life.

20 comments:

alissa said...

Trust yourself Sizz. I have confidence that you will completely WOW the #1 board member, then you just have to trust yourself from there.

Look at you building a life!

And the upside to having a job again? you can spoil Fin rotten with lots and lots and lots of gifts from his favorite auntie!

Bob Merrick said...

"And then what? Then I really live here and this is really my life."

and to that I say, congratulations. You have wanted this and needed this for years. You still have your eyes closed too tightly to see it, but your happiness is finally within sight... just trust yourself enough to slowly open your eyes... trust me. It won't be as scary as you think...

xoox

Becky said...

Sounds like you kind of know where you want to go, and just need this interview as a final confirmation of your instinct. Good luck today and then go spoil yourself until you start work:)

Alison said...

I'll just chime in with a repeat of what the others said. :)

You're going to be fine.

JustRun said...

I know you'll make the right decision. I understand that sometimes you just need to make sure. Really, really make sure.

I know it's stressful and nerve wracking but it's also VERY exciting! (Seriously, it's irrational how excited I am for your new life. But that's okay, I never claim to be rational.)

gorillabuns said...

how nice to have an employer actually understand your situation. you will follow your heart to the right decision. after all, your heart brought you to washington in the first place.

Claire said...

"Building a new life is hard. And that is the understatement of my life."

Mine too, but I'm so impressed with your ability and willingness to pursue it, to commit to that new life.

The Sizz adventure continues, and I look forward to hearing what comes next. I bet it'll be great.

sandra said...

Sizz, it's hard -- really hard -- the first few months living in a new place...but one day, you'll be grabbing a muffin at your favorite bakery (because you'll have a favorite!) and you'll run into someone you know...and you'll realize that your life is there, and that you're at home. When that happens, it's an amazing day -- and it makes the rest of it SO worth it.

Melissa said...

Waiting for the results of this interview is KILLING me. Anticipation has never been my friend.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Bone said...

There's a lot to be said for being comfortable at a job and with your potential supervisor.

Neil said...

Knowing you, any decision you make will end up being a right one. You seem to be that type of person.

Rabbit said...

Yay for you! I get behind in my bloglines and the next thing I know you have not one but TWO great job offers!

I hope that whichever position you choose you are happy and fulfilled.

(dutch) Sizzle said...

Always trust your instinct. Good luck in making the desicion.

sue said...

Gee, I get busy for a couple of days and you EXPLODE with all kinds of stuff! I'm so tickled for you - two job offers! Wow! I understand the stress, tho'... I'm sure you have thought this out to the gnats' ass and will chose the best job for YOU... and they will be so thrilled to have ya! Babysteps... first the job, then the settling in... then, who knows? Maybe one of those little critters in the post a couple of days ago is on the horizon in your life? Made ya blink, didn't I?

Oh, and I discovered "LOST" last summer in re-runs and was a goner... totally hooked. Season 2 in Sept, huh? Cool! Seeing as I taped most of this last fall and haven't seen them yet. :(

Good luck, sweetie... we'll be anxiously awaiting your news.

Nihilistic said...

The anticipation is killing me!!

Karl said...

Congrats on the job! Maybe I shouldn't be mentioning it here. Am I a spoiler?

inky said...

I've always known "I've made it" when my name appears in the city phone book! ....just like THE JERK. So you have till November when the new phone books come out :) ...if you have a land line that is.....

quietlife said...

Congratulations! Your attitude throughout this move has been really great to follow! Although my move came with a job, I'm still working my way into life in this new city, a year into it.

You'll fit in just fine. Everything will keep falling into place.

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