Big Strong Girl*

I guess I didn't anticipate that I would feel so . . . overwhelmed. I cry on the way to work sometimes. Because I see something that reminds me of an old memory. Because a certain song lyric plucks at my heart strings. It doesn't matter why. I live in the not knowing why. So I try to cry quick, before I get to the parking lot and have to make my way into work.

It's not now or never.
It's not black, and it's not white.
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
and a long, long night.

I have no energy to give to anyone and people all around me need my support. I feel like a cheap imitation of myself not being able to be present in the way that feels like me. Sure, I can listen but my attention span is limited. I do this thing where I change the subject when the topic gets too heavy. I can't handle any more heavy. I feel weighed down with the weight of this fast approaching life change. And then sometimes all I want to do is be held and to cry in someone's arms and have somebody go through this with me. I am usually so decisive and so ok going solo on things. I have a really hard time asking for help and with needing people. I am being challenged left and right. I guess that was part of what I was hoping for when I made this decision to move.

Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.

How do I convey what is in my heart? How the roller coaster of my emotions take me so high and so low in so many seconds? I know that ultimately things are going to all work out regardless of the fact that I currently have no job lined up nor a place to live and in five weeks I have to move out of my house and I will no longer work at the agency I have dedicated four years to. How do I tell you about my attachments? How I have grown bigger than this town and yet, I am so very grateful for who I have become here? This town, these people, this life, has cocooned me. And now it is time to break free and fly. Cliche but true. I can't weather any more seasons here. In my mind I am half way gone but my heart keeps tugging me back, back, back.

Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon
but don't expect connection any time soon.

We don't really talk about IT. We delay the "real good-bye" until the very last second. There are feelings, deep feelings, that surface in the simplest of conversations. These connections are real and true and god I am so blessed to love and be loved and have had such a tremendous journey these past 12 years.

There is enormity of feeling.

No one can fix this and I don't want you to. And I don't need to know you understand. Just don't look at me like I am crazy if you see my crying and driving down the street. Or if I am staring off at the ocean not answering you or if I wake up in a foul mood because this just feels so much bigger than I can manage. That's just me getting caught up in a moment. I'm trying to remember this in all its complexity down the last minute detail. I'm trying to do too much and there isn't enough time.

Feel the light caress your fingertips.
You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.
Maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
you're wrapped around the sun.

*Title and lyrics by Deb Talan