Thursday, May 25, 2006

Big Strong Girl*

I guess I didn't anticipate that I would feel so . . . overwhelmed. I cry on the way to work sometimes. Because I see something that reminds me of an old memory. Because a certain song lyric plucks at my heart strings. It doesn't matter why. I live in the not knowing why. So I try to cry quick, before I get to the parking lot and have to make my way into work.

It's not now or never.
It's not black, and it's not white.
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
and a long, long night.

I have no energy to give to anyone and people all around me need my support. I feel like a cheap imitation of myself not being able to be present in the way that feels like me. Sure, I can listen but my attention span is limited. I do this thing where I change the subject when the topic gets too heavy. I can't handle any more heavy. I feel weighed down with the weight of this fast approaching life change. And then sometimes all I want to do is be held and to cry in someone's arms and have somebody go through this with me. I am usually so decisive and so ok going solo on things. I have a really hard time asking for help and with needing people. I am being challenged left and right. I guess that was part of what I was hoping for when I made this decision to move.

Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.

How do I convey what is in my heart? How the roller coaster of my emotions take me so high and so low in so many seconds? I know that ultimately things are going to all work out regardless of the fact that I currently have no job lined up nor a place to live and in five weeks I have to move out of my house and I will no longer work at the agency I have dedicated four years to. How do I tell you about my attachments? How I have grown bigger than this town and yet, I am so very grateful for who I have become here? This town, these people, this life, has cocooned me. And now it is time to break free and fly. Cliche but true. I can't weather any more seasons here. In my mind I am half way gone but my heart keeps tugging me back, back, back.

Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon
but don't expect connection any time soon.

We don't really talk about IT. We delay the "real good-bye" until the very last second. There are feelings, deep feelings, that surface in the simplest of conversations. These connections are real and true and god I am so blessed to love and be loved and have had such a tremendous journey these past 12 years.

There is enormity of feeling.

No one can fix this and I don't want you to. And I don't need to know you understand. Just don't look at me like I am crazy if you see my crying and driving down the street. Or if I am staring off at the ocean not answering you or if I wake up in a foul mood because this just feels so much bigger than I can manage. That's just me getting caught up in a moment. I'm trying to remember this in all its complexity down the last minute detail. I'm trying to do too much and there isn't enough time.

Feel the light caress your fingertips.
You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.
Maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
you're wrapped around the sun.

*Title and lyrics by Deb Talan


alissa said...

Big blogosphere hugs for you. Saying good-bye is the hardest, just remember that your future is wide open, as scary as that may be, it is full of possibilities.


Amanda said...


Mikey said...

First- Yes you are too damn good for this town

Second- Cheap imitation my ass, your the real deal love

Third- If you need to see validation check my posting today!!

Alison said...

This may not be of any help right now, but I know exactly how you feel. I went through something similar in the months before my move from France.

It does get better, but do give yourself time: time to hurt, time to cry, time to wallow. Pushing instant happiness on yourself after your move won't help. Trust me on that.

kapgar said...

Just make sure not to let it affect you in your new town. I've seen so many people who leave a place they love and, because they are so sad, just don't give their new place a chance. Don't let that happen to you.

Bre said...

I'm so sorry that you're hurting as you're going through all of this right now. It isn't easy and you have every right to do whatever you need to do to get you through. If that means crying in the car - go for it. If that means screaming or raging, or pulling at your hair - go for that too. You're strong enough to do this, you really are.

Mr_Rodacre said...

huh. I had a dream last night that I was cleaning my parent's garage dusting some webs off of a cabinet with a broom. Turns out the cobwebs were a coccoon and a giant butterfly/moth popped out. It frightened me and I opened the garage door to let it fly out. And it did...

Then it attacked a dove.

I think I have issues...

Kris said...

I have felt like this so much lately but for different reasons.

The jump is scary and the pool cold at first, but remember that it only takes mere minutes to become accustomed to the waters.

gorillabuns said...

i second kris' sentiment. scary at first but in the end will be a wonderful journey that will seem familiar.

Nihilistic said...

I dreamed last night that I was examining the rear bumper of a Nissan Maxima (It wasn't the newest model - 3 years old at least) that was the most awful baby puke tan color.

See if you can ignore me while staring off to the ocean as I tell you things about my dreams! :)

Jacynth said...

Don't you love what change brings? Seattle is going to be such a great place for you. And please, keep in mind, that Santa Cruz will always be a good place for you. Just because you are leaving does not mean you are forgetting or will be forgotten. Big hugs to you!

Melissa said...

Leaving home is leaving safety and comfort and love, and we grieve for the loss of those things. Beginning a new adventure adds a whole different kind of fear to it. Fortunately, you are beginning that adventure very near your sister, a whole new level of safety, comfort and love.

JustRun said...

I'm sorry these feelings are so overwhelming right now. But I'm also glad you're giving yourself permission to feel them completely. Anything less, for you it seems, would just cheapen the expereince. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Bone said...

That was amazing. Otherwise, I'm speechless.

ocg said...

God Sizz... you just wrote so eloquently what I couldn't put together a few weeks ago.

You are amazing.

As your struggle through the unknown it truly can be gut wrenching and horrible, but it is what makes you stronger when you come out on the other size...

It may not get easier before it gets better, but I assure you that you were hand selected for this journey for a reason and a purpose... and because you will do it in style...

You will be rebuilding you and your life through this relocation. Sometimes you have to break down before you can rebuild yourself back up... this is the needed demolition phase. You, my love, will be built better than ever (if that was even possible) once you get through the tough, messy part.

Know that you are surrounded by people physically and virtually that love you. We are here for you, hundreds of shoulders awaiting your weary head... let the tears flow, sometimes they just need to come.

Gary said...

Leaving Santa Cruz and your job doesn't sound all that serious. Leaving your BLOG, however, would sound VERY serious. I hope you have a nice weekend. :)

Claire said...

Very well said. Just remember: even the "real goodbye" need not be a permanent one.