Thursday, March 09, 2006

Warning Labels

I have concluded that things might be a whole lot easier if we had warning labels for people. In this case, I am speaking about men in particular though, let's face it chicas, we women are complex and mind boggling at times. I bet some fellas wouldn't mind a warning label on us. Specifically if said warning label was adhered to our rack or ass. (Am I right? I know I am right.)

While speaking with my friend Saxman yesterday, I was struck with this idea. He definitely needs a warning label. I joked to him that I sure was glad I had never wanted to date him. Ok, that isn't entirely true. Over the six years I have know him, I did want to date him when we first met. But then I got a clue and got over that right quick. It's like that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Sally says to Harry, "You know, I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would have ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at 3:00 in the morning and go clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace, not that I would know this. " I could even follow it up with, "You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman."

Not that there is anything wrong with that. It just isn't what I am looking for. Sometimes you get to know a person too well and the idea of dating them is just . . . not a possibility. It's like I already know his game so why would I play it?

So, in light of this, I've compiled a sampling of warning labels for men. I am sure you will have some to add. Please add yours about men or women.

Warning: Desperately afraid of intimacy. Will spook easily when approached too quickly or asked to talk about feelings. Proceed with caution.

Warning: Egotistical prick. Will make everything about him, even your PMS. Do not poke or prod though pandering to him works wonders.

Warning: Mama's boy. Will make you rethink your desire for a "sensitive" man. Does not do own laundry nor cook anything other than cereal.

Warning: Embittered Angerball. Will fly off the handle at miniscule things. Do not mix with drama queens. Sporadically volatile with spurts of make up sex.

Warning: Noncommital Ninny. You will always have to be in charge and you will grow very tired of it. Unless you are a Type A classic control freak with boundary issues. In that case, you will get along fabulously.

Warning: Big Ol' Flake. He will promise you the moon but never actually show up to deliver it. Gives good talk. That's about where his talents end.

Warning: Passive Aggressive Depressive. You will feel like you are losing your mind and pretty much, you will be. Run, don't walk.

Warning: Mr. Sex You Up. No matter what you might want to talk about he will always make it about sex. Do not fool yourself into thinking he wants more than that because, honey, he doesn't.


Kevin said...

Warning: Be prepared to make all decisions yourself as I prefer to not be bothered. But it had damned well better be something I like even though I want to offer no input in the decision whatsoever.

I have problems with that one.

Mikey said...

Warning: This person is agrumentative. No matter how right you are, they will never see your point of view. They will argue their point of view with you till they are blue in the face. My ex Matthew.

Lushy said...

Warning: Hairy gumdrop. Run away! Run away!

Nicky said...

Warning: I appear to be very articulate about my issues but those are decoy issues that I have learned to talk about sensitively and well. My REAL issues are secret and very touchy and you are NOT invited to go there with me.

Mrs. Ca said...

Those are great! I've dated a couple "egotistical pricks" in my day, and had a long relationship with a "big ol' flake". My husband, fortunately, only has a few of these in small doses. I can handle small doses.

circe said...

Love your warnings, Ms. Siz. Here are a few more....

Warning: Control Freak Bully. Though not necessarily physically abusive, mentally abusive just about every single day of your life. Sucks the joy out of life, wipes the smile off your face and rains on your parade. Marriage = prison.

Warning: Emotionally Distant. Stays emotionally distant from your life and concerns, refuses to commit whatsoever. Stands you up so much you feel like Lucy yanking the football away from trusting Charlie Brown. Long absences without explanation. Treats you like a doormat and takes you for granted.

gronce said...

Ooh! You should do a Cafepress thing with those!

Bill said...

Well, there might be a label or two I would like to see on women (probably applicable to some men too), such as:

Warning: You will never be enough; there will always be someone better. Somewhere.

Warning: Approaches life with grocery list of things to be achieved, acquired, done. Does not know why, just that they must.

Warning: Mad for bad boys until she has one then wants said bad boy to be good (as if that’s going to happen).

Warning: Wants and offers unconditional love provided you meet certain conditions.

Warning: Can’t understand why men who fool around with her behind the backs of their wives now fool around behind her back.

Warning: When speaking to friends, likes to use the phrase, “I almost have him trained.”

Warning: Will insist you make a choice even when you don’t care one way or the other then, when choice is made, will argue about it.

Warning: Likes to plan spontaneity.

Claire said...

Warning: Pedestal Builder. His admiration and affection is very appealing, but the pedestal he puts you on also makes him certain you are out of his reach. He won't let you step down because he doesn't want to know the real you. An ego-boosting diversion, but a waste of time for anyone who wants a relationship with some balance.

Debby said...

Warning: Knows everything and is always right.

Describes my husband to a t. I have to laugh, because he is sooo confused. In all actuality, he only knows what I let him know, but I do humor him because other than that annoying trait, he is a good man.

Moonchild said...

let's see:
emotional baggage...
still lives with mom....
has small man penis problem...
i'm a 40 year old virgin...
women scare me...

gawd the list could go on and on and on and on....

at the Lake said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Paul said...

You should add TOOTHPICK USER, to that list as well.

Bre said...

WARNING:Changes her mind about what she wants in a significant other 200 times per day. Is easily swayed by firemen, EMTs, Paramedics, and policemen. Cannot save money to save her life.

PJ'sPics said...

hehehe...I think I need a warning label...."caution-afraid of intimacy"...sheesh..

Rabbit said...

Warning: Unappreciated martyr. Will put your needs first as long as she can make you feel guilty about it later.

Warning: Memory like an elephant. Anything you say can and will be used against you . . . from now until you die.

Warning: Appreciative of aesthetics. Will dump you if you get fat.

Brookelina said...

I've gone out with all of those guys.

Moonchild said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Moonchild said...

can we also add:
...constant loogy-cougher-upper
...In therapy
...pretty boy (or fancy boy)
...Norman Bates has nothing on me
...I prefer my cats over you
...I'm a He-She
...I will humiliate you every time we're together
...I'm on Prozac
...Will Only Talk Gangsta Style
...Eats with mouth open
...Public Masterbator
...666 is my favorite #
...David Koresh was God
...Go Polgamy!

Kris said...

You need to send this into Boing Boing. This, my friend, is a wonderful thing.

Claire said...

...clips nails in public or in places designated for eating.

(my apologies if that's already up there somewhere- I was just reading new comments when it hit me so vividly)