Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Paying It Forward

I was on line chatting with OCG the other day and, lucky her, she was privvy to my annoyance. Here, see for yourself:

Ms: for the love of the baby jesus my cousin sent me yet another forward- ugh!
OC: hahaha

(a few minutes later. . . )

Ms: jesus lord ANOTHER FORWARD. i might kill her. that makes three just today.
OC: you should start sending her pictures of your cats and say "I noticed you love photos, so I thought I would share some with you too!" and everytime she forwards you some, then you send some to her...
Ms: ha ha, i should. . . but then what if she LIKES it?
OC: oh god... then your doomed
Ms: the worst of it is that they are demeaning lame forwards about gender disparity or sexist or about blondes. i think she is a closeted lesbian.
OC: oh god
Ms: i should forward that. dear cousin, it is apparent that you like girls. please stop trying to distract us with forwards. it is ok to be gay. sincerely, your cousin
OC: hahahahaha
Ms: i want her to be gay. we need a gay one in the family.
OC: hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. you are killing me.
Ms: well we do!

Enough with the lame forwards, cousin! I don't want the ones that threaten a lifetime of unhappiness if I don't forward this story to 10 people in 10 minutes about a miracle baby who was born with no eyeballs and a second butthole. I don't want the ones that talk about blondes or women or how men love to drink beer. I don't want pictures of kittens or of spiritually uplifting quotes. Write me a real effing email or lose my email address.

Please?

And while we are talking frankly, cousin, can I just tell you that I am anxiously awaiting your unveiling as the lesbian I know you to be. I dated a gay man (ok, more than one, shuddup). I have gaydar. Your sporty clothes and borderline obsession with the Yankees.* Your housemate/friend/date, Paul, who accompanies you to all the family functions year after year but you two are never actually "dating." The fact that you have never spoke of having a boyfriend and you are in your 30's. Your complete and utter enthrallment with Grease 2 all those years ago. It was Michelle Pfieffer that did it for you, wasn't it? You can tell me! She is super hot. I don't blame you. You can do this. Ellen did it. Rosie did it. Queen Latifah is seconds away from it. Now you. Look, seriously, so far we don't have any gay members of our extensive Irish clan and we need one. At least one. You are my one gay hope in a family of alcoholics and martyrs (God love 'em).** Don't let me down. See you at the reunion!

*Lizzie, this in no way indicates that any woman who has a love of baseball is indeed a closeted lebian.
**We are Irish. We can't help it.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Tomato is the number one gay of our family. Forever and ever, amen.

23 comments:

Dave2 said...

Ha ha ha! The "men love beer" one is funny because it's true!

When people send me spiritual quotes, I reply with a cartoon of a devil that says "there is a special place in hell for people who forward senseless inspirational emails".

When people send me "cute" pictures, I Photoshop them into something horrid and send them back... if somebody sent me a kitten, for example, I'll put a bullet-hole in its head and draw blood pouring down its cute little face. The more disgusting, the better.

You'd be surprised at how effective this is in getting people to stop forwarding crap.

For those people who forward to their entire address book, however, you have to take drastic measures and REPLY TO ALL. Then they'll remove you from their address book, which is probably for the best anyway.

ocg said...

I am with you... I hate the forwards... and again... as for the gay in the family... I am still thinking about coming out to my uber conservative christian family... and never correct it... I will secretly get married and have children and never let them be the wiser. I'll be a lesbo in their minds until the end. Serves their narrow minds right...

Maman said...

But the closeted gay family members make life in an Irish family fun! They have their undies in a twist all the time. It is hysterical to see their twists of logic.

You are lucky... I have a family full of Conservative Republicans. Now THOSE forwards drive me wild. But at least I can debunk their latest liberal conspiracy theories with a sweet reply to all answer.

Mikey said...

Grease 2 is one of the worst movies I have seen. Michelle WAS the only good thing about it. I am going to agree with you on this one about your cousin.
does she wear Nike's?

Mrs. Ca said...

If you really need a gay person in your family, you can borrow one of mine. I have 4 fantastic out gay family members (2 cousins, an aunt, and an uncle) and one that we've thought is gay for years but who hasn't come out yet. I love them all to death, but there are a lot of them - I'm sure we can spare one.

alissa said...

you'll love having one in the family! My aunt just came out to us this past fall and finally brought her partner of 5 years for us all to meet! We were like "duh" like we didn't know you were totally gay - you friend "Connor" (prev. Constance) the handyman who you brought with you on a family vacation? Totally gave it away I'm afraid.

Lushy said...

Alcoholics and martyrs? We must be related...

Aimee said...

Queen Latifah? Seriously?? I suppose I never really thought about it, but I've never heard about her love life. Hmm... So what makes you think she's on the verge?

sandra said...

I nearly spit my water out when I read Dave2's comment -- it kind of makes me want to send him photos of kittens, just to see what comes back.

In the meantime, maybe you should sign up for a fake email address and start sending her PFLAG ("I'm beginning to like the sound of that...") information?

Bob Merrick said...

I'm offended.

For fuck's sake! I am the gay in your family!!!!

And this post has nothing on a work post... what are you going to do if she reads this???

I accidentally forwarded it to her...

I wanted to hold my seat as THE gay in the family!

Bob Merrick said...

Editor's apology accepted.

I now resume my regularly scheduled homosexual family duties.

goldmoon said...

Ugh, I have a 'friend' (I use that term loosely) who is always sending me religious and political forwards. I am not religious and I am on the opposite political side. GAHHH! People suck.

Claire said...

Amen to killing all those ridiculous forwards. Just when you think you've received a message from somebody you haven't heard from in a while, you're threatened with cursed luck if you don't perpetuate whatever message it happens to have. I'd much prefer even the shortest of messages: hey, I was thinking of you; or some such.

As for the rest, that just made me laugh.

Bob: good for you for staking claim to your rightful family title.

Lizzie said...

Haha! Before I saw the footnote at the bottom, the Yankees reference made me wonder what you must think of me. (And so I'm hesitant to mention this, but I love Grease 2 too... I was rather enthralled with it myself when I was younger.)

But just so you don't think me a closeted lesbian, I'm off to buy a frilly pink dress... and have sex with a man.

p.s. "I don't want the ones that threaten a lifetime of unhappiness if I don't forward this story to 10 people in 10 minutes about a miracle baby who was born with no eyeballs and a second butthole." - I totally lost it with that!

Nihilistic said...

I'm the only one in my family...:(

Its a lonely job, but someone has to do it.

gorillabuns said...

"i want a cool, cool, cool, cool rider, no ordinary boy, no ordinary boy will do, i want a rider that's true..." scary i know the words, huh?

yes, everyone has a gay one in the family and they are usually the most interesting. when they are bad, they are really bad and when they are good, well, they are boring.

Anonymous said...

ok, i don't know how it happened, seriously, i don't. but it appears that we are sharing the VERY SAME FORWARDING CLOSETED LESBIAN COUSIN. Who the hell knew. And more importantly, what the hell are we going to do about her?

- Jules

justacoolcat said...

Jules and sizzle - I think the cat pics are a top notch idea.

Bre said...

Speaking as a member of one of those big Irish families... I hear you! My cousin actually DID come out as "the gay one"... after I got over the initial concern that my Irish Catholic relatives would stroke out, it's now a source of constant entertainment for me - she and I figure out all sorts of ways to shock the family!

Holidays and gatherings have never been the same since!

circe said...

It's going to be a good post when this is part of a sentence. "miracle baby who was born with no eyeballs and a second butthole."

I LOLed so loud here at work, I was afraid people would come running to check out the commotion.

You are priceless!! And I totally detest those forwards also. My fav are the ones about Jesus. Pulllleeeeeeezzzzzeeee.....

jenny said...

I don't think having a second butthole would be all that bad. Depending on where it was located, I guess. Wait... now that I think about it, it could be really bad.

Egads, you heartless woman! Forward that email!

Krisco said...

I agree on the pointless emails. Well, pointless to me.

And now I know why I love you. (What, maybe I'm the closeted gay member? Ooops, I'm not a family member. And am widely known to use that term - er- loosely....)

I think those of us from the old sod - even if our relatives came with the potato famine so it's like, um, been awhile - can recognize a kindred spirit. Who knew! Yea!!

Helena said...

omfg...thank you...THANK YOU! It's good to know I'm not alone. I have THREE count 'em THREE teenage cousins who do nothing but forward these things all day. And I don't know how to tell them to just STOP IT! (You can imagine the Myspace Bulletins, too)

"A miracle baby who was born with no eyeballs and a second butthole" made me laugh out loud for a good 15 seconds...and then I laughed again EVERY time I saw it in your comments. Genius. I'm laughing again now seeing it in my own!