Friday, November 11, 2005


It's Friday and thanks to the Veterans, I have the day off. But guess what? I am at my fucking work. Yes, you heard me right.

Oh. Excuse the potty mouth. I say "fuck" way more than is probably necessary but a lot less than they did in Trainspotting. Lately, I've been cursing like a sailor. Everything has been pissing me off. I am, as they say in Playing By Heart, an "anger ball."

My frustrations with work are overflowing into my personal life. Do I even have one of those? I've been begging off social engagements or showing up with a forced smile. Like I said, I am not myself. My humor has more of a bite to it. I haven't been watching my tone. I am no longer good at hiding. Oh, who am I kidding? I never really was good at it.

So why in the hell am I at work on a holiday? Reason one: I need to use the computer. Reason two: I wanted to escape my house. Reason three: I am a glutton for punishment (apparently). It seems that there is no safe place for me lately. Not at home. Not at the office. It's as though the cocoon I lived in cracked open prematurely. I sure don't feel like I have metamorphosized into a butterfly. That, my friends, is for damn sure.

People keep telling me to "take care of myself." It's hard to do that when you feel like your emotions are eating you up from the inside out. I have thought about throwing things- at one person in particular. I haven't. I won't. I did that once and while I was somewhat proud of myself in that moment (he so completely deserved worse), it was totally out of character. I am more of a verbal fighter than a physical one. I have always been too blunt for my own good.

Things that I normally would shrug off are sticking to me. I've turned into a magnet for frustration. Passive aggressive behavior has always been a trigger for me but lately, it is off the charts how pissed off I get around that kind of manipulative, pansy incommunication. Greedy egomaniacs I can usually just dismiss but not lately. I want to berate them and their selfish, self-absorbed ways. Same for the scattered thinkers, time wasters, and bores. Are you getting a picture of a woman on the verge of a blow up? Uh huh. I thought so.

Maybe it isn't as bad as I am making it out to be. (Wishful thinking.) Maybe I have a blood clot? I have been on that Ortho-Evra patch for over a year and now they say it is dangerous. It's probably bad to mix the patch with so much anger. Combustible combo. They should add that to the warning label along with "increased estrogen will likely increase your risks for a blood clot that could lead to a stroke" and "you should just stop having sex altogether as there is no safe way to shag." (I think I inadvertently already did that last one.)

I hope the massage I am getting later today clears all these negative toxins from my body. I have been trying to meditate but I can't seem to force the anger out with silence and breathing. It is exhausting to be so angry. Can I just nap until this whole damn thing blows over? Please. Can I just sit in a darkened movie theater living other people's lives until this all just goes away? Really? Ok. Thanks.


Alissa said...

You can absolutely nap and sit in a darkened movie theater until your heart's content!

You need to do whatever it is you need to get through this. I think a massage is a great start!

Having sex would be good... hmmm... perhaps you need to take a trip to the nearest toy store! :)

It will get better.

Amanda said...

I'm glad you are getting a massage. That will be a start. Keep doing things to take care of yourself. Pampering will sooth and build strength within you. You have tons of support.

The Zombie Lama said...

It's Friday and thanks to the Veterans, I have the day off.

You're welcome ;o)

Ok, so you're not really off, and neither am I. I'm at work.

Hopefully your massage will be a good one. I need to do that myself, the problem is, the last thing I need right now is some woman touching me in a rather intimate manner... I might just blow up...

whoorl said...

there is no fucking way you could fucking use the word fuck too fucking much. :)

enjoy your massage and your day off. get the HELL out of the office.

sue said...

Damn. You're too far away. Go out by the ocean and just scream as loud as you can - get some of that evil toxin out of you. Then, get your massage and go to a movie and sit in the dark and eat popcorn and m&m's and cry.

Works for me. {{{hugs}}}

Ikatron said...

I hope everything blows over and the massage works if not get a bunch of empty bottles together and go throw them at a brick wall sometimes that works better than meditation because it is loud and expressive. Sometimes meditation only gets you so far and then you realize you are over the top.

sandra said...

Hmmm...I think I'm voting for a vat of wine, along with a lot of screaming into a pillow...and like Alissa said - sex.

Any chance of another job? I've been in a position where I was uncomfortable at work every day and...well...I was about where you are. Tired, crabby, and about a milisecond from snapping.

Just remember, we (as in, your blogging family) adore you!

Simply Irresistable said...

Eyes told me to check out your blog...I'm glad I did and I shall be returning.

I, too, have been known to be too blunt for my own good. And being angry IS exhausting...I like the darkened movie theater idea...just hope there's no obnoxious 12 year olds in there when you go...

Feel better.

amy said...

Hi. I worked today too. See at the hamster cage we either could take the holiday off and sleep in. Or be foolish and go in and use the holiday at a later date like me :)

Have a good weekend dearie :)

Bill said...

I also worked today. I've dropped in here a couple of times but couldn't think of anything to say except, "Hand in there," and that sounds kinda lame.

Still, hang in!

Bill said...

"Hand in there?" What the hell was that? Editor! Where's the damn editor!!!???

Melissa said...

Hope the massage was incredible! If you opt for the movie version, I suggest Jarhead. There are at least 2 shots of Jake G.'s ultra lovely backside. I have a thing for Jamie Fox, so it was a double for me, and then there was Peter S. holy macaroni bat man. And what the hell is up with all these last names I can't spell?

Be true to yourself Ms. Sizz, I'm cheering for you.

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

Siz...I sending the biggest hug for you to use whenever you need it...I know what you're feeling. It's the yuckiest (kindergarten teacher...) feeling ever!

I was feeling this way about 2 years ago and didn't really give a fuck about how I was acting, didn't care if I threw things, or said things out of character. I was so miserable and absolutely felt like my feelings were eating me form the inside out.

It's a long journey to feeling better...but remember the sunflowers at the end of the road. They're there waiting for you too.


Moonchild said...

oh my god. you are on the patch? i barely lasted three weeks. i broke into hives; my blood pressure was off the charts and i gained weight in 3 weeks. thankfully i got back on my depo privera shot. i love it. no Uncle Charlies visit ever. NO PAIN. nothing.