Thursday, November 10, 2005

Mind Your Own Beeswax

I had a lunch meeting yesterday. It's not my habit to meet for lunch with total strangers but she insisted. So, we agreed to meet at a local restaurant just a few short blocks from my office. When I arrived, the restaurant was uncharacteristically busy and she showed up 10 minutes late. She, let's call her Diana, brought along her 13 month old grandson, let's call him Emilio. He was adorable and well behaved. . .until he screeched at the top of his lungs.


Uh oh. People turned and stared. Diana tried to quiet him gently, cooing and smiling at the excited Emilio. The waiter quickly seated us at our table. As we looked over our menus and shared some idle chit chat, Emilio did it again.


At the table next to us sat two gray haired ladies. They looked over with obvious disdain, shaking their heads. One had the nerve to say, "It's time for him to go outside." Um, excuse me? We had just sat down. We hadn't yet ordered. We weren't going anywhere. Diana politely but with a bite in her tone said, "Oh no. He is a good baby. He is just over-excited. We won't be going anywhere." Apparently, that wasn't good enough for the two fussy hags. Throughout our meal, I could feel them looking over at us with contempt. For the record, contempt and a cup of soup does not a good meal make.

As we ate lunch and talked over details for an upcoming event, Emilio was happily eating his orange mush and taking in all the activity of the bustling room. I will give the kid credit. He had a knack for timing. Right when you'd least expect it, he'd screech. AaaaaaaaCccccKKK! I'd be talking about the budget and he'd go AaaaaaaaaCccKK! I'd be spooning soup into my mouth and he would go AaaaCcccKKK! It is a wonder I got out of there unstained by spilled food.

It really was a bit unnerving to tell you the truth. But he was so cute and besides the Tourettes, a good baby. As we packed up our stuff and readied ourselves to go, the old biddies motioned me over. Diana was busy with getting Emilio into his stroller. Biddy 1 said, "You know, it really doesn't do any good to say 'shhhh' to the baby when he screams like that. It only encourages him." Oh really? I don't care. It isn't my baby. I just want to get out of here. Biddy 2 chimes in saying, "My grandson would do the same thing and my daughter would gently put her hand over his mouth." As she said it, she demonstrated by bringing her flattened palm up to her open mouth. It looked more like she was demonstrating a child's game of Cowboys & Indians but who am I to judge. Apparently, that's their job.

I politely smiled a half-smile and said, "Oh? That's good to know. Thank you." But they couldn't let it lie. Biddy 1 continued staring at me with her beady eyes and I felt compelled to further explain. As I sped up the pace at which I was packing up my belongings I said, "I am actually just having a business meeting and don't really know them." (I am a scapegoating chicken!) "I don't feel it is my place to say anything. Besides, he really is a pretty good baby. Just very vocal." Biddy 1 and 2 looked at me in surprise and Biddy 1 said, "Oh, I thought he was your baby!" Then, in a conspirator's tone said, "I have NEVER encountered someone so rude in all my life." as she gestured with her eyes at Diana. I thought, lady, biddy lady, you gotta get out more. I sure as hell have met some real assholes. Diana was not rude, just protective of her grandson, probably like any of us would be. Well, except Biddy 1 and 2. They would NEVER be so "rude."

I wish I had little index cards, like flash cards, that I could whip out in such situations as I make my grand exit. For the biddies I would have flashed the "D*E*C*O*R*U*M" card and hastily tossed it at them as I dashed off, leaving them, mouths agape, to ponder their judgements and unsolicited advice. Mind your own beeswax you old hags!

I said my good-byes to Diana and Emilio and at a quickened pace made my way back to my office. Who would have thought I'd actually be anxious to return to work? Meddling old biddies and a Tourettes baby will do that to me I guess.


sue said...

Oh, Sizz.. I have had four children... I have more stories along these lines than I care to mention. Some even involve, dare I say it, RELATIVES. Yes, the dreaded in-laws.

The only time children really annoy me is when adults take them into adult-rated movies. Other than that, I'm pretty open-minded. As a mom of four, I actually just rather tune them out. Go figure.

I will say, if they got really outrageous and started getting out of their seat at a restaurant or fussing too badly, yes, then I would take them outside. This was usually my youngest who was pretty hyper. But, still, that was when he got to his last straw...

Sounds like you handled those biddies well. Some "old biddies" maybe need to have a lesson when they get old enough they start screeching, huh? LOL... they forget... what goes around, comes around. Their day is comin'! What will THEY do when their bladders no longer hold and those adult diapers they put on this morning start leaking... just sayin'...

Bob Merrick said...

You should be writing my column. Not me.

Paul said...

I have a friend who does this, but he's not a baby, he's a guy in his 30's. But he doesn't screech - he LAUGH screeches. It's the loudest laugh in the world and it's so embarrassing to be around him.

Baby screech versus man laugh/screech. Your choice. I'd choose baby over man.

Sizzle said...

paul- i am with you. baby over man, any day.

tomato- why? that's just plain silliness.

sue- so true! soon their depends will be karmic payback!

Bill said...

I think you need to have more fun and be a little creative in situations like this (not that I would - but I'd love it if someone did this). Like, when the biddies start asking about the screetching child ...

"Oh, well it's the condition you know. He suffers from a form of epilepsy - petite mal? You've heard of it? Yes, well because of it he wears an electrical harness beneath his clothes and gets charges at fairly regular intervals to offset the cascading of the seizure through the brain. It's a bit trying, of course. But he's a trooper. And I think he's beginning to like it!"

I dunno ... But it might be fun seeing the biddies respond to some absurdity out of left field. :-)

Lizzie said...

I'm with the biddies. I mean, the *nerve* of that baby to cry! And the nerve of the grandmother to bring it out in public. Doesn't she know, children aren't supposed to be let out in public for the first 5 years of their life so as not to annoy the biddies? Sheesh.

Bob Merrick said...

Bill's comment is HILARIOUS!

Memorize and recite for next time!


Moonchild said...

well it was a little rude to bring the toddler to a business meeting. that's all i have to say. i would have done the same thing as the hags...sorry to say.

Melissa said...

I have to agree with asp on this one. (Yay, I'm not alone.) If it's the sort of place where kid noise isn't noticed, then no problem, but if it's where half of the city goes for lunch meetings and such, leave the bambino at home.

I'm sure everyone else's kids are very amusing to them, but they aren't to me. Write off or not, I'm not paying for lunch with a side show of kid.

And I would never pull someone aside like that. I'd ask the host to handle it.

goldmoon said...

Oh boy. More reasons I'm afraid to have kids.

Brookelina said...

Babies don't know better. Old ladies do. Rude bitches.

circe said...

Oh man, I Loved the 'Screech' link!!!



Mo-Pie said...

Old biddies just don't get it. Because their old... and their biddies.

I love it when you say biddies... and per se.

sue said...

Damn. I wish you would've gone with Bill's scenerio... how funny would THAT have been? Ah, well... there's always another day...

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

What a great story! I laughed out loud at "hags" and "biddies"...that's so damn funny.

I've been in public places where people have said things to me and haven't been able to squeeze out the "right" words. I think the flash cards idea is a great one. You could make a ton of money off of those.



gorillabuns said...

i would've remarked that they were damn lucky the kid didn't come to their table and start eating their food all the while with crap in their pants. if that had happened then maybe they would have something to bitch about old bitches!

gorillabuns said...

i meant crap in the kids pants.

Anonymous said...

I saw that you were a fan so help him out okay!! He is losing his house.

Go to this site and save Screech's HOUSE!!

I'm Dustin Diamond and you probably remember me from the hit TV show Saved By The Bell. After the show ended I decided to leave Sunny Cailfornia for the midwest. My shitty credit meant that getting a loan for a house would be tough. I began looking and finally purchsed one on a land contract. I was thrilled! Now I call Wisconsin my home.

During the past years the land around me has developed for the better and my property value went way up. Now that the house is worth a lot more they want it back. Knowing my credit is bad, getting a straight mortgage would take some time. I received a letter stating that I had 30 days to pay $250,000.00 or get out. I was not thrilled.

Calling an old friend with lots of connections, I was finally referred to a man named Arthur Giraldo who works for New York Capital Exchange. "If he can't do it, it can't be done." Arthur was said to be an expert in land contracts and a guru when it came to getting difficult loans done. Indeed Arthur sold himself highly and away we went to save my house. I was told not to worry, that it wouldn't be a problem and that everything would be done quickly, as was needed.

I sent everything he asked for and signed all the papers that were sent to me. The closing date was to be set and he would have a lawyer who was in Wisconsin come to the closing with me. Arthur even said he was going to fly out himself and be there for the closing. The days went by and I never heard from him. I called and left message after message but never got a call back. I finally called from another number from the road (I travel the U.S. doing stand up comedy) and he picked up. As if we had all the time in the world, he brushed it off and said again not to worry. Everything was moving ahead and all is well. He set yet another closing date, but that came and went.

Meanwhile, all was not well and they still want the house. As days crept by and still no calls from Arthur, I was forced to threaten calling every day, all day long, every hour on the hour til I got a call back. Alas, I get a call back. "Don't worry. Everything's moving ahead and all is well." Less than thrilled.

This avoidance goes on and on for some time until...

"You got Served"

That's right, yours truly gets served with a notice to foreclose. They're gonna take my house! I'm gonna be homeless! Dustin Diamond homeless in Wisconsin. BULLSHIT! Time to call up New York Capital Exchange and set them straight! My message went something like this...

"Tell Arthur Giraldo that I just got served and was told that he hadn't contacted the holder of the land contract for over a month, never sent any papers over and as such, I am losing my house. If he doesn't call me back I'll go to Howard Stern and tell the world (New York especially) how he does business. Let's face it, if he can't find the time to work on a mortgage for a famous celebrity, how will he handle the average person?"

In more words than one I was told basically... "Go f... yourself!"

One phone call later I was telling the Stern show what had happened.
Time to pay the piper Arthur. You shouldn't have f...ed with the Dman.

At this point I have less than 40 days to save my house and I'm calling out to anyone who will listen.

1. I want Arthur to lose his cushy job at NYCE where he screws over the working man then laughs at their expense.

2. I ask you to join my fight against injustice by helping to save my house.

I've designed a T-shirt for all of you to wear to show your support. All monies go towards Saving My House!

1. A $15.00 donation will get you a comfortable and stylish cotton T-Shirt telling the world you helped save my house.

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First we rallied to Free Wynona. The next time we Voted For Pedro. This time we'll Save Screeech's House!

Please rally behind me and together we can end the feeble handling of peoples futures by Arthur Giraldo and at the same time SAVE MY HOUSE!

~ Dustin Diamond