Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I Am Not Okay.

I wasn't going to say anything. But truly, honestly, I am not okay.

Being suspended and subsequently, an emotional wreck for days on end, has taken a huge toll on me. I'm fragile, but in typical Sizzle fashion, I put on the brave front. Of course, I am not really fooling anyone that knows me well. I hide. I am distant. I push you away. I say I am tired (and I am) but really, I just don't feel like me. And it sucks. I am jumpy, edgy, irritable, fatigued, distracted, impatient, uncharacteristically distant and closed off. I do not like this replacement me. I want ME back. But she is hiding.

I have lost my sense of resilience. I have lost a chunk of my enthusiasm and my pride. I guess, for some, being suspended wouldn't be that big of a deal. Hey, it's just a job, right? But for me, my job is also a huge part of who I am. I work in social service and lead with my heart. My boss was someone I had befriended. He had shared holidays and special events. I had brought him into the fold of my life and my friends had welcomed him. Not only as a boss, but as a friend, did he betray me.

And now, having returned to work in my most professional manner with all my documents in order, a stoic mask plastered to my face, my talent for decorum and compassion pushed to the forefront, I feel very, very sad. Being here no longer feels like home. And every day I walk into the office and do my work like I always did- to the best of my abilities, above and beyond the call of duty. And every day, I want to scream how fucking mad I am. How deeply wounded I feel. But we don't talk about it. It's as though it has been swept under the rug, what he did to me. Write me up, suspend me, for unfounded reasons and then retract the corrective action memo from my personnel file. "There, there," he says, dusting his hands of the matter. "Let us move forward from this."


No one gets to treat me like that and then dismiss it. Do not mistake my return to work as some merit of honor that you get to wear proudly. I will not forget what you did to me. I will not be cajoled by your weekend phone call. In fact, I will be infuriated that you have the nerve to call me on my cell phone and tell me you are "proud" of me and that I did "great work" this week. Do not call me. Do not try to make nice. I will not forget what you did to me.

I am seconds away from cracking and am growing very weary of living on the precipice.


Her Daddy's Eyes said...

We do not what we ought,
What we ought not, we do,
And lean upon the thought
That Chance will bring us through. -Matthew Arnold

I'm with you.

Rae Rae said...

Dear Ms. Sizzle,
Please don't jump. When oppression and betrayal are shoved on us like a pile of shit and neither allies nor persecutor are able to effectively change things, we are forced into that alienated space of clawing our way out of the hole by ourselves. And being alone fucking sucks. And complacency on the part of other blows. I am with you. The silence of it all is so annoying - its like witnessing someone in a public place get abused and doing nothing. The unaccountability of cruelty. Fuck it. Fuck it all - but use a condom, because that shit is dirrty (Christina Aguilera style).
Rae Rae

Moonchild said...

find a diff gig and tell him to fuck off.

Jenny said...

you are so beyond this bullshit! you are better than this. you are smarter than this. your next step is surely a hard one to take, but taking one step at a time is OK! you are an incredible human being, you will rise above all of this. you know i am and we are here for you. i love you, my friend S. and i absolutely believe in you.

Wombat & Aspen said...

Sizz -

Step away from the edge! Come over here, there is coffee and some fresh cookies I've baked just for you. And there is something tasty for the kittens, too.

Isn't living well the best revenge?


Anonymous City Girl said...

Isn't living well the best revenge?

now would that make more sense if it was something like "a shiv is the best revenge"?

sue said...

Grrrrr... it just pisses me off that someone like you should be treated like this. Having lived the first half of my life with my integrity being slammed at every chance by people I should have been able to trust (parents, ex-husband, etc.) I soooo know how you feel. It is not enough to bring you down, but they have invaded your space and, as you say, it will never be the same. It will never have that comfort level that makes you feel it is yours. Your space. Your job. Your office.

Damn. I hate this. You are such a special person that this is just so unfair. Why can't this shit happen to people I WANT it to happen to... like my SIL? Nooooo... that never happens. Crap.

Hang in there, S.... we're all rootin' for you. We love ya, gf.

Mrs. Ca said...

I can't stand it when people do that - pretend like everything is okay, when really the mess has just been swept under the rug. It's still there, and they're just pretending like the mess has been dealt with. Best wishes to you through all of this. It's a good thing that you have this place to vent.

Clink said...

I wish I could tell you WHY I can absolutely relate but I can't. All I can say is...I feel the pain. And, wine helps.

Melissa said...

Walking into an office every single day where you feel you are not heard and are disrespected takes will. Waking up 5 days a week to it is depressing. You work hard, you play by the rules, you do your job with maximum ability, and in the end it still feels like you don't receive the trust and respect that you have earned. Make no mistake Ms. Sizz., you have earned it.

I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation at work, and what keeps me coming in every day is 1) I'm damn good at my job; I'm a professional and I know exactly where you would be without me - even if you don't. 2) Staying the course and in the routine allows you the mental space to keep your eyes open for the next opportunity that would serve you - you way out.

Find opportunities for more training, better projects and guilt them into giving it to you. Learn everything you possibly can, and when you have, take your hard won skills and walk out the door to that better opportunity.

That is how living well becomes the best revenge.

Neil said...

You have every right to be angry and upset. You shouldn't need to make any excuses for feeling that way.

Bob Merrick said...

I'm with Asp.

Take charge of your destiny and live your best life!


Paul said...

You will move past this eventually, but you also have to do what you think is necessary for your happiness. I hope that you do whatever that thing is, and that you feel better because of it.

The Zombie Lama said...

It really sucks to get stabbed in the back at work, especially by somebody you trusted.

Worse yet is when they do it with a smile and the word "friend" coming out of their mouth.

Sorry you have to go through this. Just remember, if you crack at work, it just feeds their hateful little fire. Smile, laugh, and plot your way out of there to a place where you are appreciated for what you do.

Or, I could just go bite him...

Bex said...

you are so strong, and i know that this has been an incredibly difficult situation. this guy sounds like a total jerkwad on a power trip. you will get through this, you will escape to the things that make you happy, you will be bigger and better than this. and you will have so much support along the way.

gorillabuns said...

never let them see you sweat! though you can go to the bathroom and sweat and cry all you want...what kind of advise is this? anyway...remaining totally detached from this asswipe would be in order and maybe start looking around for other opportunities of interest. you seem like a such a strong person. you will come out of this situation even stronger!

Bill said...

I hope this shit is behind you soon. It sounds like a pretty unpleasant situation. I would say, "do this" or "do that" but I wouldn't know what I'm talking about.

As an aside, I'm not big on revenge. If I can throw out another quote (not sure who it is): "Revenge is like taking poison and hoping the other guy dies."

I'd say to hell with him and move on. But that's easier said than done. :-)

goldmoon said...


Be strong! Things get better with time. And if they don't, you deserve a place to work that appreciates you!!

Kerry said...

oh yeah... living and being happy is the best revenge! dont let them get to you. Put a smile on your face and a bounce in your step and everyone will wonder what you're up to. It will drive them mad! hahaha

Anonymous said...

You will never be able to 'unring the bell'! It is already out there. You have been changed by it.
The only thing that will 'fix it' is to tell his boss's on The Board how horrible a boss he is and get his ass kicked to the curb. Even if the Board does not step up to the plate you will have released the anger you are holding in. this needs to be shouted out so all can hear and understand the horror of it all. Your coworkers are on your side and counting on you. Be strong Shaun.

alissa said...

My best friend once told me during tough times "life will get better, until it does, wine will help". Hang in there.

GiddyGirlie said...

i wish i had something insightful and helpful and healing to say, like everyone else who has already commented. but since I don't, I will tell you a story about my poor eyesight : I just scrolled through your blogroll and thought one of the titles was "kiss my penis" and I laughed at loud (in my cubicle) and then went to click... then, of course, the blog is not about kissing penises at all. *sigh*

Amanda said...

My thoughts are with you Sizz! I understand what you are going through..and I have to say you are handling it much better than I would. :)

Star Effer said...

these things are sticky. and not just regular sticky, but spiderweb sticky, meaning that it resonates in so many other factions of your job and life.

i don't know the specifics of your career and situation, but if this sorta thing happened to me I would continue to put on a good front (like you're doing), but privately start looking for a better opportunity - either within the same organization, or elsewhere.

don't try to make lemonade here and stick it out -- see it as a catharsis for positive change and move on.

life's too damn short to let morons dictate your mood and rules. take your power back and put this guy in your rearview mirror.

sue said...

I need to verify. SIL should be BIL (brother-in-law) or, SIL could be sister-in-law, but it is never ever my son-in-laws. Wow. Who knew a typo could get you in such hot water???

Krisco said...

Good luck Ms. Sizz.

I hate when things are awkward like that work; where someone did something WRONG and now just pretends it didn't happen.

Can you go to him and ask for an apology? How about a raise for bothering to come back to work? Anything token to make you feel better.