Friday, August 26, 2005

Things That Go Bump (& Grind) In The Night

I really like my new neighbors. They are young, sweet and a bit awkward. Z is a tall, leggy redhead while C is a short, athletic tomboy. Z is supposedly living there alone but I never really believed that was going to happen. They are pretty much inseparable. C even took on an extra job delivering papers on the weekends to help Z with her rent. Since they haven't fully moved in all their stuff, their relatively empty house has stellar acoustics. In the past few weeks, I have overheard more than I cared to but last night really took the cake.

It was about 11:45. I was laying in my bed talking with my best girl Hillz on the phone. We'd been chatting for going on two hours when I heard running water from their house. One of them was showering. With our house being a mere 2.5 feet away from theirs, we can pretty much hear everything, especially when they don't close the window. And they never seem to close the window.

Turns out, it wasn't just C or just Z in that shower. They were both in there. And they weren't just washing each other's backs (wink wink). I heard distinct and loud moaning, heavy breathing and a lot of "ohhhhhh oh ohhhh ohhhhhhhhhhh". It was as if I had my very own porn going on right in my backyard. But, I ask you, what the hell good is a porn you can't see? That's like watching a symphony being conducted but not being able to hear any of the music. But much worse.

At first I was shocked. I asked Hillz to hold on while I put my ear closer to my opened window. Once I confirmed that indeed there was some hanky panky going on, I reported it to Hillz. "My neighbors are fucking! And I can hear it loud and clear." To which Hillz replied, " That shower's gonna run about 20 to 25 minutes."

And she was right, about 25 minutes after extended moaning and panting, oohing and ahhing, the shower turned off and all was silent.

Now I feel sort of like I read their diary or something. When I run into them next, will I be able to look them in the eye without replaying the soundtrack of their shower session in my head?

Oh how I wish I was a better liar!


Bob Merrick said...

I have a hot neighbor and I wish I could encourage him to have sex with his girlfriend more often. I think it is fun to listen (when they are cute). I guess it is the Samantha Jones in me.

Jenny said...

ooooh i haven't seen/met them yet, but when i do, i'm gonna have to pretend i don't know they have loud shower sex :). for the record, i'd rather watch than listen...hehe

Mr_Rodacre said...

I for one am glad my neighbors are either A) never there and B) not having sex because they are really, really old. And that's just, well... not as fun as two attractive people having sex.

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

Great post!

Hubs and I are always having sex outside, but we wait until late. I love the out doors. I've often wondered if our neighbors got a free show...maybe that's why Blondie won't talk to me anymore! hehehehe!
And I totally agree, much better to SEE porn then HEAR it...if one must choose!


Bob Merrick said...

Are C & Z boys or girls?

Sizzle said...

Z and C are chicks. They could use a little cleaning up but obviously they do it for one another. And by IT, I do mean IT.

Do you think if I had two gay men as neighbors that shower wouldn't have lasted for 25 mintues?

Bob Merrick said...

I think it is safe to say on everyone's behalf, that it was not clear if they were chicks... and yes, I do know first hand that two guys can go 25 minutes EASILY in the shower... it is nice because it makes clean up a cynch!

Kris said...

I'm giggling. This makes me feel naughty, and I wasn't even there.

Maybe you could say something like, "hey guys, could you keep it clean?"

Not punny? No, I know.

Neil said...

Just for public information, if you put a glass against the wall and listen that way, you can hear the neighbors much clearer.

Rob said...

an ex-girlfriend of mine and I used to be entertained by my upstairs neighbour. Hot summer nights in Toronto means open windows or air conditioning. We had windows. We also figured out the floor plan by their nightly escapades. Rocking chair, floor matt, bed with head-posts - we had the movements down. This guy was a stamina king, and she was a multiple O kinda girl. What made it completely entertaining was the first time we saw them - she was a very full figured gal - probably about 5'10" too. Soaking wet - this dude had to be 5'4" and 110 pounds. My knees buckled, laughter started spewing out, and I had to drag my girlfriend in the other direction - who was numb with shock. Just not what you had pictured in your mind after those kinds of prefrmances. After that - we would actually lie in bed rate their performance - and admittedly we'd clap sometimes - because we were already done :) However - we never went to the window to listen more closely!

Trée said...

"What the hell good is porn you can't see" you ask? LMMFAO, I'll let you know the answer when I have that experience. ;-)

sue said...

This is why I'm glad we live in the country where I only hear the "animals" going at it... (wink wink)