Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Private Lives (...or Privates Have Lives)

How many people think it is a brilliant idea to ride your bike to an appointment where you are getting vaginal warts burned off? No, I am not speaking from personal experience. That whole two truths and a lie thingie was so last week. But trust me when I tell you, I know for a fact that this very scenario has happened. I can't tell you details though. The formerly warted must be protected! But I think we are all in agreement, when going to get anything groin-related done at the doctor, try to avoid being an earth-friendly cyclist for the love of the baby Jesus.

And while we are talking about all things genital. How about circumcision? To circumcise or not? Seems like the common argument as to WHY a baby boy should be circumcised is out of fear that he will look different in the locker room. Now why, pray tell, are a bunch of heterosexual men overly concerned that other men will be checking out their son's wiener in the locker room? Clearly there is something else occurring in men's locker rooms that we women are not privy to. I once had a very long, detailed discussion about this very topic with a man I was dating, his father, step-mom and housemate. Yeah, I know, kinda weird...but it just kind of came up over pizza, salad and wine. The man I was dating and his pops were uncut and, I think, thought themselves more of a whole man package if you will. Excuse the pun. I am just thankful we didn't start talking about vaginitis. I mean, who really wants to discuss that while eating?

Yesterday, the circumcision topic came up at work. My coworker is pregnant and my boss and I were quizzing her on the "snip or not to snip" question. She's not sold on the snipping idea though her husband seems to be in the locker room lookers camp. During our conversation, my boss and I exchanged a bit TMI (too much information), as we are wont to do. Seems we both like the unsnipped fellas. How can a gay black man and straight white woman have so much in common? Oh right, we both sleep with men. Ah.

If you haven't figured it out by now, my place of employment allows ample opportunity to say such words/phrases as, "eating ass" or "fuck safe/shoot clean" or "flavored lubes are intended for oral use only." You can probably imagine the kinds of folks I work with then. Uptight? No way! If you can't answer the phone and be ready to talk to a junkie about how to clean a needle, you best not work here. Better yet, if you can't utter the words "butt sex" you better get yourself a nice, respectable office job in a corporate environment and leave the potty mouth talking to us.

And while we are talking so unabashedly, I must tell you how deeply disturbing it is to be woken up by the sounds of loud purring and your kittens engaging in what can only be deemed. . . oral sex. I am not kidding though I wish to god I was. Seems kittens who are weened too early from their mothers, like my kittens, tend to suckle something else in absence of their mother's nipple. In this case, lucky us(!), Dottie has chosen Dash's kitty penis as her nipple stand-in. It really isn't as deviant as it sounds- even the vet said so- but I am still not ok with it, particularly when waking up to suckling sounds at 3am and having to break up the act. Not only is it just over the borderline of incestuous (they are brother and sister) but it can lead to problems for Dash. She could suckle him so much he can't pee and then he'll get all backed up and well, it won't be pretty, now will it?

You are probably wishing I hadn't share so much. . .Sizzle, you've gone too far this time!

What kind of sad state of affairs is it when your kittens are having more sexual activity in your bed than you?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

11 comments:

sue said...

Let me put it this way, Sizzle... I'm speechless. ;)

kim e said...

Circumcision: The foreskin was put there for a reason.

Your office: I think I want to work there too.

The kitties: Eek. That's far too disturbing.

Anonymous said...

I think the locker room issue is moot at this point. With so many parents deciding not to mutilate their boys at the get-go, the uncut will not be such a minority anymore. I think all of my (uncut) son's friends are uncut.

Charlie said...

Jewish men have their foreskin removed in a ritual ceremony while family and friends nosh on cold cuts platters. On the plus side, they get their first swig of wine after the cutting. On the minus side, it's usually Manischewitz.

styro said...

I've found in my short time on this planet that black gay men and straight white women have a lot more in common than you'd ever think. I guess, though, most of it is that we like the same men. So it goes!

also, omg, i have incestuous gay cats. Weaned early. I could not get them fixed fast enough.

Neil said...

Women always seem to have an interest in what goes on in the men's locker room. I'll tell you then truth -- nothing. It stinks there and most of us want to get the hell out of there. And I've never seen anyone mock any other guy's penis, circumsized or not. What guy wants to be caught checking out another guy's package?

Now, from what I hear the real action is in the women's locker room. I hear you're not afraid feeling each other up to see if it's real or not. And I've also seen a couple of movies late at night where you women are always swatting each other on the behind with wet towels. Does that really happen?

Bob Merrick said...

wow... you are really developing quite the following!

Lucky cats...

Anonymous said...

i was with you, right up until the kitten incest suckling... seriously, that shit freaks me out.

jules

p.s. butt sex

Jenny said...

i would be shocked if i didn't know sizzle and the "gay black man"...but since i do...

and the cats, well, what do you say about that?

Jenny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ikatron said...

I have two cats, brother and sister and when they started humpin' thats when I called the doctor, but since then if you whistle sidney (the boy) will mount little girl stella. weird...