Private Lives (...or Privates Have Lives)

How many people think it is a brilliant idea to ride your bike to an appointment where you are getting vaginal warts burned off? No, I am not speaking from personal experience. That whole two truths and a lie thingie was so last week. But trust me when I tell you, I know for a fact that this very scenario has happened. I can't tell you details though. The formerly warted must be protected! But I think we are all in agreement, when going to get anything groin-related done at the doctor, try to avoid being an earth-friendly cyclist for the love of the baby Jesus.

And while we are talking about all things genital. How about circumcision? To circumcise or not? Seems like the common argument as to WHY a baby boy should be circumcised is out of fear that he will look different in the locker room. Now why, pray tell, are a bunch of heterosexual men overly concerned that other men will be checking out their son's wiener in the locker room? Clearly there is something else occurring in men's locker rooms that we women are not privy to. I once had a very long, detailed discussion about this very topic with a man I was dating, his father, step-mom and housemate. Yeah, I know, kinda weird...but it just kind of came up over pizza, salad and wine. The man I was dating and his pops were uncut and, I think, thought themselves more of a whole man package if you will. Excuse the pun. I am just thankful we didn't start talking about vaginitis. I mean, who really wants to discuss that while eating?

Yesterday, the circumcision topic came up at work. My coworker is pregnant and my boss and I were quizzing her on the "snip or not to snip" question. She's not sold on the snipping idea though her husband seems to be in the locker room lookers camp. During our conversation, my boss and I exchanged a bit TMI (too much information), as we are wont to do. Seems we both like the unsnipped fellas. How can a gay black man and straight white woman have so much in common? Oh right, we both sleep with men. Ah.

If you haven't figured it out by now, my place of employment allows ample opportunity to say such words/phrases as, "eating ass" or "fuck safe/shoot clean" or "flavored lubes are intended for oral use only." You can probably imagine the kinds of folks I work with then. Uptight? No way! If you can't answer the phone and be ready to talk to a junkie about how to clean a needle, you best not work here. Better yet, if you can't utter the words "butt sex" you better get yourself a nice, respectable office job in a corporate environment and leave the potty mouth talking to us.

And while we are talking so unabashedly, I must tell you how deeply disturbing it is to be woken up by the sounds of loud purring and your kittens engaging in what can only be deemed. . . oral sex. I am not kidding though I wish to god I was. Seems kittens who are weened too early from their mothers, like my kittens, tend to suckle something else in absence of their mother's nipple. In this case, lucky us(!), Dottie has chosen Dash's kitty penis as her nipple stand-in. It really isn't as deviant as it sounds- even the vet said so- but I am still not ok with it, particularly when waking up to suckling sounds at 3am and having to break up the act. Not only is it just over the borderline of incestuous (they are brother and sister) but it can lead to problems for Dash. She could suckle him so much he can't pee and then he'll get all backed up and well, it won't be pretty, now will it?

You are probably wishing I hadn't share so much. . .Sizzle, you've gone too far this time!

What kind of sad state of affairs is it when your kittens are having more sexual activity in your bed than you?

Yeah, that's what I thought.