Wednesday, August 17, 2005

You Are Better Than This

There is something I want to say but I don't know if I can express it. It's so complicated and yet so simple at the same time.

I'll start here: I read my meditation book this morning over breakfast and what it said was so appropriate for where I am, where many of my friends are, that I have been left thinking of its wisdom all day long...

"When my pockets are empty and I've dumped all I know, I often end up shrugging, admitting my ignorance of what to do. Humbly, it is then that the real work of love begins."

We don't hold all the answers but when we open ourselves up, when we stop trying to be right, that is when we can share our greatest gift. So often I find myself second-guessing my ability to be a good friend, to be able to help a friend I love in their time of sorrow or confusion. If only I could stop the doubts from running rampant in my head and just BE in the knowledge that what I have to offer is enough. Enough. Now that is a loaded word.

"I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough. . ."

I caught the end of Joy Luck Club this weekend on tv and that scene where the woman is sitting out in the rain and her husband (Andrew McCarthy) shows up and they talk. . .it keeps replaying in my mind. She spent their entire relationship not feeling good enough and telling him through her words, through her actions, that her love wasn't as good as his love.

"I'm the one who told you my love wasn't good enough. . . "

We do this all the time, don't we?

I talked with two of my dearest girlfriends the other night, both of whom are struggling with heartbreak. As one sat crying at my kitchen table, all I could do was listen and encourage. I want her to believe her love is good enough, that she is worthy of the best. If we don't believe that for ourselves, how will ever get the relationship we long for? Love can't be fooled. If we don't love ourselves enough to say, "These are my needs. This is what I deserve. Here is where I will compromise." Then who will do this for us? It seems a dangerous game to play, giving your heart away for someone else to control.

"When you gonna love you as much as I do. . ."

My other girlfriend has been pulled in and pushed away by this man who came on incredibly strong at the beginning but then turned wishy-washy and flaked out when it came to getting real. Why is it we tell ourselves that this is the best we can get when if we really looked at it, this "best" isn't even on par with mediocre. Settling. Saying, this is all I am worthy of. How do we find it in ourselves to move on, to wait for what we know we deserve, in our heart of hearts when all the second-guessing is quieted, when our fears aren't running the show?

I want to say to them, you are more than this experience. You are not powerless in the creation of the life you long for. You get to decide how this defines you. You get to make this shitty experience better you, not ruin you. Why not risk it all to be bold and brave and take the big leap to love yourself? Raise the bar and believe in yourself.

I wish it were that easy. As if speaking the words made it so...


Lushy said...

Given recent events in my life, it is as if you wrote that post for I was the one crying at your table. The unintentional reminder that I'm not alone with some of these issues makes it a little bit easier. Thank you for giving me some things to mull over. :)

Anonymous said...

ahh, tori always gets me right THERE...lovely words well-spoken.


Neil said...

Lushy said it best. Sometimes, the best medicine is reminding yourself that this is a feeling everyone has -- and that what you feel is natural.

Paul said...

I'm weirded out.

It's 9:43PM on August 16th PST, yet this post says August 17th. I'm sort of wondering if I have traveled through time!!

Sizzle said...

paul, i am sorry to have wigged out your sense of time and space. i was engaging in pre-blogging (if you will). i was trying not to double blog on one day but now i am going to just throw that silly rule out the window and blog away.

i hope you enjoyed your time travel experience.

;) sizz

sue said...

Beautiful... now, can you live by your own words? It's so much easier to say to someone else, isn't it? Look in the mirror and say it to yourself, hon. {{{Hugs}}}

Rob said...

I think a classic mistake people make is looking at other "love", other people in love, constantly reassessing their relationship based on what they see somewhere else. Why should there even be the concept of “degrees of love”. How can I love more or less? Isn’t it love? And can’t that love in that situation only be felt by the person in it. And they shouldn’t measure it. Let it go – don’t think about it – just feel it – and stay open to the possibility of it. You and Sue are right - love yourself first, and then the person you love should only expect to feel that much love. It is that simple.

Sizzle said...

Sometimes the simplest of things are the hardest, no? But you are right Rob- being open to the possiblity of it is the most important thing. How can one quantify love? Hmmmm.

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