Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I Don't Know Yet

I've been walking around with a knot in my belly. Feeling like I am late for something but I don't know what. Easily prone to snippy remarks, most specifically at work. Not quite myself. Preferring to spend time alone than with others. Feeling as though I am in trouble but haven't done anything that would warrant punishment.

I think I've pinpointed the feeling.


I have grown tired of people saying they will do things but never delivering. Of ineptitude and lack of trust and absent hearts. Of living a half-life. Of not being 100% myself. Of not feeling excited. By anything. Of just getting by. Of feeling afraid of un-nameable somethings.

I think I want a different life.

Don't get me wrong. I know I am very lucky to live in a beautiful seaside town, to have treasured friends, to do meaningful work, to live in a nice house, to be able to pay my bills and eat sushi sometimes, to have a loving family, to be healthy...It isn't that I don't appreciate what I have. It's just that I don't feel like it suits me any longer. Maybe I have outgrown it?

Don't you think we all hit a point in our lives where we have to shed ourselves in some respect to make room for what has been growing inside of us?

There's a germ of an idea of a possibility...and I am awaiting its reveal.


Jenny said...

Sizzle, you've always said you should trust your gut more often, that you know deep in your heart of souls that something is changing/shifting and evolving and you don't always listen. Maybe this is one of those times you should listen??? The waiting ame sucks, but inevitably whatever happens, it will be the right thing at the right time...

sue said...

You are in a unique position. So many of us realize this when we are in a committed relationship (or should be committed in other respects...) and we feel trapped and unable to do anything about it.

I'm with Jenny - trust your gut. I'm a huge believer in "if it's gonna be, it's gonna happen". It's usually worked for me!

Changing isn't always a bad thing.

Anonymous said...

I hear you - I think the seed that was planted has started to grow. It will blossem in the spring but in the meanwhile you will continue to experience the growing feeling or change.

whoorl said...

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
-Anais Nin

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

I sit here with my mouth open as I read this post! We ARE living the same life! This is exactly how I feel. I can not believe the level at which I understand every word you wrote.
Cheers girl! Let's get this party started together and fulfill the missing links.


Rex Venom said...

I too am slightly amazed.
I just was reading ‘Her Daddy's Eyes’.
And I was thinking that you two chicks might be on some secret brain meld thingie or something,
Go For It.
If you do not feel like you are living life all the way, then seek out this extra something out there in the world or deep inside yourself. But seek.
Rock on!

Ikatron said...

I had been going through that sort of anxiety from 22 -26 but it hit me really hard at 27 I had changed my ways for a better future but it just didn't seem to move me ahead like I was hoping. I finally hit rock bottom on the anxiety thing even though like you said everything was going realatively well. Somehow or another I managed to tell myself fuck it, it will work out. Here I am a year later (20lbs heavier, I had lost a bunch of weight in the melt down) and finally all the hard work from 2 years ago has finally paid off. Things are finally falling into place. Everything will work out, hang in there because you are loved. Take care I will send anti-anxiety your way.

Sizzle said...

thanks for all the support! it really means a lot.

Spinning Girl said...

Ah yes, a feeling we all grapple with. I have meditated on this very thing recently.

... And you O my soul where you stand,

Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,

Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,

Till the bridge you will need be form'd, till the ductile anchor hold,

Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere,

O my soul.

(excerpted from A Noiseless Patient Spider by Walt Whitman)

Spinning Girl said...

just blog hopping...I liked yours.