What comes first?

After reading the Tomato's latest installment of Love Handles, I started thinking about what comes first- self-love or weight loss? Do you have to love yourself first to loose weight or do you learn to love yourself after you have lost weight? I hear it all the time: love yourself as you are. Sure. I like that idea in theory but what about existing in a world that is prejudiced against fat? How do you walk out into a world that is hostile to heavy people and still think you are fabulous, chub and all?

When I was about 22, I dropped approximately 60 pounds thanks to Oprah, Bob Greene, no fat in my food selection and daily exercise. For the first time in my life, my internal process met up with my outward process and I metamorphisized. I went from a fat, semi-depressed, angry-on-the-inside kind of girl to something altogether different.

For a while, it felt great. Boys who would never have noticed me before, all of a sudden were asking for my number. I responded like the fat girl I had always been, forgetting that my outward appearance was now drastically different. I began to feel resentful. Who are they to hit on me now? Where were they when I was chubby? Is it my thin body they are attracted to or is it that the thinness allows them to see the real me? Is fat a cover up? A security blanket to hide behind? A reason to blame the world for its indifference, for its shaming, for its cruelty against anyone who doesn't fit into a societal "norm"?

I had a lot of questions. Obviously.

I am the first to admit that I am heavy. I don't feel comfortable in my body, regardless of how many men I date or how many people comment on my "pretty face." It isn't that I think myself unattractive. That isn't it at all. It's just that, after gaining all that weight back, I don't feel like I am in the right body. Somewhere in between is where I want to be- not that 22 year old self and not this 32 year old self. Between too thin and too heavy. I want to feel at home in my own skin.

And so I struggle. I have the internal debates. I feel the shame. Recently, I was talking with some close friends and they were surprised to discover that I often bow out of things because of my weight- like certain forms of exercise or going to a certain restaurant that has especially small booths. They were suprised to discover that I think about these things. I guess because they don't see me as "that fat." And yes, I tend to be neurotic but is that going to far? Is there such a thing as "too fat"? And does that "too fat" threshold change depending on whom you are talking to?

I see it rampant on internet dating sites. Men who would, by the look of them and the text of their profile, be a perfect candidate to be my boyfriend, are ruled out because they prefer "slim, slender, athletic and toned, average." Do these men realize the average size of women in America is a size 14? Does anyone get how fucked up it all is- I mean Marilyn Monroe would be too fat to model if she were alive today. . . and she is drop dead gorgeous. The curves! The softness! Now that is a woman's body. But it isn't their fault for liking what they like, is it? Does it take a brave person to say, "Fuck what society says, I love my fat girlfriend!" Maybe. How do you get to that place where you accept yourself and your size?

What do you think?