Friday, February 11, 2005

The Weight of the Matter

I've been feeling a wee bit under the weather the past two days. I don't know if it has more to do with my emotional state bleeding over into my physical state or if I am just staving off the dreaded cold that has been passed around and around this season. Whichever it is, I have felt really run down, melancholy, cranky, and as though my throat is closing up. Metaphoric? I am not sure. Maybe all the things I want to say have become caught in my throat? That could very well be true.

Here is one thing that is definitely caught in my throat: I recently had an experience where someone that was once interested in me shared that he had experienced reservations while dating me because of how the world would react to my weight. Now, for those of you who know me well, know that there isn't a bigger button to push on me. I had a mixed reaction- angry, sad, mortified. Unfortunately, this is not the first time a man I have dated or was dating expressed this concern. I get that we live in shallow society where the emphasis on thinness and outward beauty is more important than a person's intelligence, wit, or character. I get that and I hate that. Truly I do. I don't really know many people who don't struggle with some sort of body image issue- men and women, straight and gay. It is pretty rampant. But the thing I don't get is how a person can say "I think you are beautiful and I am attracted to you" and in the same breath say "I worry what I would say if someone commented on your weight." "Um, how about you say: 'You're a shallow idiot." And come to think of it- the only people to have ever commented on my weight in that manner (a derogatory manner) are men who have been dating me. Hmmmm. How does that work? I'm at a loss really. Maybe I should just steer clear of these fellas. Unfortunately, they don't come with warning labels and my heart is big and trusting. Damn heart.

I will say that for the most part I've been lucky in my love life. Tempered with the men who are embarrassed of my weight there have been a great many who have thought me beautiful and in turn, made me feel beautiful, sometimes just in the way they would look at me. I say THANK YOU to those men. You know who you are.

But still I am lost in the whirl of thoughts and feelings this issue brings up for me. Is a person less love-able because they are heavy? Of course not. But do people think this way? I mean, there are lots of whacked out ways of thinking out there. Take banning gay marriage. That's some serious whacked out way of thinking. And I wonder, is this a mark against me ultimately because I am the one carrying the extra weight around? Or does the mark go against the guy saying such a thing to someone he supposedly cares about? I wish I knew. . .and I wish it didn't hurt so much.


CN said...

I wish it didn't hurt either. Every inch of you is beautiful, inside and out.

hummingbird said...

I couldn't agree more. You are stunning all over. As far as the boys in question are concerned, they've got issues. They have issues as major as people are concerned about what people will think if they date someone of a different race, religion, etc. Ultimately - no matter what angle you investigate from - it boils down to intolerance of difference. And that is simply unacceptable in any form.

Especially from someone you have opened yourself up to.