Friday, February 18, 2005


I'd like to think I could come to this blank blogger space and find the words that sum up my emotional state in a nice, neat package. That just isn't the case, as lovely as an idea that may be. Lately, I've had a mountain of feelings and I don't even think I have completely climbed to the tip top of them. What's that saying about the journey being more important than the destination? Or is it the common question: "are we there yet?" Maybe I am getting those two confused? Either way. . .I wish to god this mountain was really a molehill.

I am wondering how do you live with regret? What if you come to your senses one day and realize you made a horrible mistake? And not only that, you hurt someone you love in the process. There isn't a salve to soothe that kind of pain. There isn't enough "I'm sorry's" to ever make that kind of hurt up to someone. So what do you do? Swallow it. Cry about it. Close up your heart and say "enough." Tell your friends over and over until they want to hit you on the head with something heavy to knock you to your senses (or knock you out). Fucking hindsight! I hate how clarity hits after the fact.

It is true that we are constantly evolving. Experiences day in and day out are shaping us. We are maleable and growing- humans that are BEing. People can change- like how the landscape of a river shifts with time, how the water changes the riverbank or wears away rock. Nature is amazing like that. Humans are amazing like that. We take what life throws at us and we d-e-a-l. What else is there to do but shut off our hearts and stop participating in life. I know that there is infinite possibility in the universe. I know that the heart is a resilient muscle. I know that with each ending there is a beginning. And with all that knowledge, still, I am scared of ending up alone in this world. And I am stricken with panic at the thought of a permanent good-bye. And I don't know how to let go of what some would call, a crazy dream.

I am going to try my very best to have faith in the unknown as the future unfolds before me. Maybe someday the regret & pain will pass and the love will remain. Maybe someday the landscape of my life will have shifted with time and, hopefully, I won't be left just a worn away shell of a girl.

No comments: