I was reading The Book of Awakening today and this spoke to me:
"Stranger still is how the very core issues we avoid return sometimes with different faces, but still we are brought full circle to them, again and again. Regardless of how we may try to skip over or sidestep what we need to face, we humbly discover that no other threshold is possible until we use our courage to open the door before us. Perhaps the oldest working truth of self-discovery is that the only way out is through. That we are returned repeatedly to the same circumstance is not always a sign of avoidance, but can mean our work around a certain issue is not done.
The thresholds go nowhere. It is we who, in our readiness and experience, keep coming back, because the soul knows only one way to fulfill itself, and that is to take in what is true."
-Mark Nepo
Ten years ago, I walked through the door. I said to myself, enough of prettying the outside of this entrance, it is time to enter. That door I opened and walked through? My first successful attempt at self-acceptance and self-love. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend of a year plus, I stopped smoking pot, stopped eating crap and actually exercised (and liked it). The result was the shedding of 60 + pounds. I was entirely focused on myself. And within that focus, a more confident, attractive me emerged. As the years have passed, I've gained the weight back and along the way, lost sight of that confidence.
People who meet me
think I am confident. I am told this all the time. It's ironic because inside I'm thinking about all the ways I could be rejected. And all those reasons for the imagined rejection?
My weight. Not my stubborn streak. Not my bossiness. Not my anal list making and over-organizing. Not my ability to give unsolicited advice. Not my moodiness with peaks of complete hermiting. None of that.
Just. My. Fat. I walk into every situation worried that I will be seen as incompetent because I am heavy. That I will be seen as not worth getting to know because I carry extra weight. That people will think about how I would be attractive "if only" I lost weight. I've been told that before. These fears are not unfounded. I overanticipate situations because I want to be able to hold it together. I don't want to run to the bathroom crying because someone made a joke about fat people. I don't want to be caught off guard by someone's disapproving look. I don't want to not fit in the chair or booth at the restaurant. I don't want to go get a massage at a spa and have the robe not fit. I actually waste time thinking about these things! Writing this, I realize I am more guarded then I thought. I wonder if I come off as guarded? I must or else I am a really good actress.
There are many things I don't do because I worry what people will think of my size. If I am walking around alone or if I go out to eat by myself, I am convinced people are thinking how sad it is that the fat girl is all alone and maybe if she ate more vegetables she'd lose weight and not be so sad. I eat a lot of vegetables. Vegetable consumption is not my problem. And the irony is probably no one is thinking these things or if they are, they are fleeting thoughts. What does it matter what they are thinking? I'm completely overly concerned about what everyone thinks about me. If they think I am fat, they wouldn't be wrong. I wear a size 18/20.
Do you know how scary that just was to type that number? That number somehow defines how attractive I am in my own mind. Maybe in yours too.
I am tired of holding myself prisoner in my own body. I am tired of carrying around this built in excuse to never be MORE than I am. I am sick to death of the excuses I make for not trying. I am really fucking annoyed with myself that I have let it go on so long. This is about wanting to belong... to belong inside my own body.
So I see the door this time. My hand is on the door knob. The key is unlocking the dead bolt. I'm poised to walk through. I have no idea what will happen once I cross the threshold but the time has come.
"There is no substitute for genuine risk." -Mark Nepo