Sunday, February 04, 2007

At The Door

I was reading The Book of Awakening today and this spoke to me:

"Stranger still is how the very core issues we avoid return sometimes with different faces, but still we are brought full circle to them, again and again. Regardless of how we may try to skip over or sidestep what we need to face, we humbly discover that no other threshold is possible until we use our courage to open the door before us. Perhaps the oldest working truth of self-discovery is that the only way out is through. That we are returned repeatedly to the same circumstance is not always a sign of avoidance, but can mean our work around a certain issue is not done.

The thresholds go nowhere. It is we who, in our readiness and experience, keep coming back, because the soul knows only one way to fulfill itself, and that is to take in what is true."
-Mark Nepo

Ten years ago, I walked through the door. I said to myself, enough of prettying the outside of this entrance, it is time to enter. That door I opened and walked through? My first successful attempt at self-acceptance and self-love. Having recently broken up with my boyfriend of a year plus, I stopped smoking pot, stopped eating crap and actually exercised (and liked it). The result was the shedding of 60 + pounds. I was entirely focused on myself. And within that focus, a more confident, attractive me emerged. As the years have passed, I've gained the weight back and along the way, lost sight of that confidence.

People who meet me think I am confident. I am told this all the time. It's ironic because inside I'm thinking about all the ways I could be rejected. And all those reasons for the imagined rejection? My weight. Not my stubborn streak. Not my bossiness. Not my anal list making and over-organizing. Not my ability to give unsolicited advice. Not my moodiness with peaks of complete hermiting. None of that. Just. My. Fat.

I walk into every situation worried that I will be seen as incompetent because I am heavy. That I will be seen as not worth getting to know because I carry extra weight. That people will think about how I would be attractive "if only" I lost weight. I've been told that before. These fears are not unfounded. I overanticipate situations because I want to be able to hold it together. I don't want to run to the bathroom crying because someone made a joke about fat people. I don't want to be caught off guard by someone's disapproving look. I don't want to not fit in the chair or booth at the restaurant. I don't want to go get a massage at a spa and have the robe not fit. I actually waste time thinking about these things! Writing this, I realize I am more guarded then I thought. I wonder if I come off as guarded? I must or else I am a really good actress.

There are many things I don't do because I worry what people will think of my size. If I am walking around alone or if I go out to eat by myself, I am convinced people are thinking how sad it is that the fat girl is all alone and maybe if she ate more vegetables she'd lose weight and not be so sad. I eat a lot of vegetables. Vegetable consumption is not my problem. And the irony is probably no one is thinking these things or if they are, they are fleeting thoughts. What does it matter what they are thinking? I'm completely overly concerned about what everyone thinks about me. If they think I am fat, they wouldn't be wrong. I wear a size 18/20.

Do you know how scary that just was to type that number? That number somehow defines how attractive I am in my own mind. Maybe in yours too.

I am tired of holding myself prisoner in my own body. I am tired of carrying around this built in excuse to never be MORE than I am. I am sick to death of the excuses I make for not trying. I am really fucking annoyed with myself that I have let it go on so long. This is about wanting to belong... to belong inside my own body.

So I see the door this time. My hand is on the door knob. The key is unlocking the dead bolt. I'm poised to walk through. I have no idea what will happen once I cross the threshold but the time has come.

"There is no substitute for genuine risk." -Mark Nepo

43 comments:

question girl said...

can i just copy and past your post is no way i could write it as eloquently as you did - but i have exactly the same thoughts... ok, so the situations are sligtly different, but still.... (((hugs)))

question girl said...

wow - i cant even type today

that should say: could i copy and PASTE, because there is no way....

Rachel said...

This is a fantastic post. I can't tell you how many times I have let my weight keep me back from trying something new and I tend to stay in my own comfort zone.
I wrote something about my weight issues on my blog last month. If you want to read it, here is the link:
http://rachelg1016.blogspot.com/2007/01/pointing-out-obvious.html
I was difficult to write but the most amazing thing happened. People came out of the woodwork being supportive and sincere.
I just recently found your blog and so far I love it. I have no doubt that people will have nothing but fantasting things to say to you.

Claire said...

Awesome.

"And the irony is probably no one is thinking these things"

Exactly. Mostly I think it's fair to say that if people are thinking beyond their meal or immediate conversation, it's about themselves.

I don't know about you, but I'm psyched to see what comes next when you cross that threshold. You can do it.

hotpinksox said...

I too have felt this way for awhile now. All I can say about it is, I think you are pretty fan-effing-tastic and I don't even know you. If you feel that focusing on yourself will help push all those yucky feelings of self doubt out then focus on Sizzle for awhile. However you need to do that.

hugs

Lefty said...

Great post today. I admire your candor with yourself and with us. We all have those inner fears that stalk us, and most of us never realize that we're not alone in that. We all have a threshold we're afraid to cross.

I do have one word of caution: beware of believing it is simply about not trying hard enough. It is more complex than that. We all do the best we can at that particular moment in time. (My therapist taught me that.)

My one bit of concrete advice: get rid of the cats. It will make your life sooooo much happier.

Esmerelda said...

You are sooooo not alone, darlin'. 'Cause even after you step through that door, even while you're doing amazing things, you still find yourself referring to yourself as 'the fat chick' in the room.

Rejection sucks fat or thin, but I don't know that I'll ever get over being less than I thought I should be physically/on the outside. No matter how many triathlons I do. That is such a sin.

sandra said...

You just gave me the chills.

I've met you (as you know...!) and you are stunning. Nobody is looking at you as 'the fat girl' -- but that doesn't matter until you don't look at yourself that way. 2007 is going to rock for you.

justrun said...

I identify with rejection, and the fear of, all to well.
You know what this sounds like to me? A woman giving herself permission. Maybe it's permission to admit, maybe it's permission to accept, maybe it's permission to attempt- I don't know. What I do know, though, is that permission was a very huge key, for me, in living the way I truly felt I was meant to live. Not trapped, not afraid. Free.

It's not always consistent and it's no where near perfect but damn, at the end of the day it's genuine and true. And for what it's worth, reading your thoughts here, I've always thought that kind of truth was in you, too.

snackiepoo said...

It's funny because I've met you and the first thing I thought was, "she is so adorable!" Maybe it is because I too am heavy that I am able to look past weight and other things to see what a person really is like in other areas...I'd like to think that's not why but who knows.

I have struggled my whole life with what people think of me and finally got into a great place with this about four years ago. Moving to Orange County really plagued me when I first got here and the only thing that happened when I started feeling self-conscious again is that I gained weight...the hell?

You are so much more than the meat on your bones and whatever it takes to discover that, I hope you do. Also, there is nothing wrong with the meat on your bones...maybe embracing that will help everything else!

Malnurtured Snay said...

Congratulations on restarting your life!

nicalyse said...

This sounds silly, but even small girl, like myself, are sometimes preoccupied with their weight or clothing sizes. I'm very short, and telling people my weight always makes me nervous. Especially since coming to college and gaining enough weight that I can tell when I get dressed each morning.

This post can easily be categorized as inspiring. Maybe it's time for me to stop making excuses for my laziness and walk through that door too.

LSL said...

What an amazing post. This is the kind of crazy candor that made me a fan a long time ago!

I get it, I get it, I get it. And, fuck, I hated that time I was at the Aveda spa and the robe didn't fit. I believe the only way out is through. And that there is no substitute for genuine risk. Good for you for being brave - I don't think you're a total actress and that you hide your desire to stay guarded. I think you reveal parts of yourself in spite of that desire, and that's what makes people admire your confidence. I hope that makes sense.

And I'm totally taking this to my therapist's today. Thank you! :)

g-man said...

You open yourself to us, for us to see your fears, you are brave.
You are facing your challenges with determination, you are strong.
You truly care about yourself and others, you are beautiful.

Lisa said...

Sizzle, you are beautiful - inside and out!

"That we are returned repeatedly to the same circumstance is not always a sign of avoidance, but can mean our work around a certain issue is not done."

This statement is what's driven me to the me I've become today. As the Celestine Prophecy tells us, we cannot move on until we have learned all there is to learn about our current station in life. If you feel you've learned your life's lesson, it is time to move forward.

I wish you much luck on your journey!

Amanda said...

You are sooo not alone. I have blogged this same post almost verbatim on more than one occasion. I know that it feels like a self-made prison, but it is possible to get a foot out the door. Somehow, but please don't ask me how because I'm not sure myself, I've become mostly okay with me as-is, size 16/18. Sure, there are days when I avoid the mirror, but there are far more that I accept what is there and move on. I think it really helps to have found so many great friends (cyber or otherwise) that appreciate the parts of me that I identify myself with and am proud of, outside of my physical shape.

You are beautiful and talented and believe me when I say nobody who matters cares what the tag says.

sue said...

I've said it before... we could be twins. Oh, except I'm the older twin... by about 30 years. :)

StupendousWoman said...

You kick that door open, Sizzle! I am sure it's worth it. From what I've seen of your pictures, you are very attractive, have your own cute style, and, indeed, you do look confident.

Sometimes, being able to look like something we don't feel can be a life-saving skill. You're a survivor! You know how to make friends, and how to talk to people. You know how to get what you need. This is precious: I would tend to see it as one of your strenghts, rather than as a weakness.

BullysE said...

Beautiful post today, Sizzle!
I know what guts it took, to face all that and write it out in black and white. The funny thing is, the more you do, and look at it as a Number, or as a series of traits you used to have? The power over you goes away.

I don't think the fat is issue, so much as is the self-love.You are a beautiful woman, and well, big on-top, so you will never be diminutive or model-y. (I'm gonna say it--California-standards. Wasp-y standards, too.)

There are men out there drooling over you both online and in real life every day, but maybe you aren't in a place to be able to be "reachable". I think there might be more of an unattainable issue with you, where people look up at this castle and think, gosh, how can I get in there? Is there a dress code? Am I good enough? Can I make it past security? The answers may be No to all those, so they hang back and watch.
(I would feel that way about you as a friend, if I knew you in RL, I'm sure. It took some guts just to start replying to posts! LOL.)

I think it's really interesting that you came to the word "Guarded" all on your own. The outside gates are really shiney, but they are impassable, except to a very few. The question maybe then is, why those particular few? What do the few have for you, that make them special, and safe?

You know how you look back at pictures of yourself from way-back-when, and you can't believe how you thought you were so fat and/or ugly then? That is the demon of self-hatred and delusion that clouds our senses in the moment. We tell you you are beautiful, but you cannot see it. Years later, you'll look at piccies of yourself, and go--Wow! You sparkle.

I don't look like Cindy Crawford either, but I have found I am not without some charm. We all have our appeal. Just believe it.

Traveling Chica said...

I have no idea what to say other than I think you hit the nail on the head for many of us.

And I'm both amazed and impressed by your ability to admit all of this in public: you're much, much braver than myself.

Bob Merrick said...

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb I am too smart
They'll not understand me
I am lonely
They'll hate me
And there is not enough time
It's too hard to help me
And god wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

I'm too far from home
It takes far too much energy
And I cannot afford to
No one will ever see me

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

Bringing this into the light
Shakes their foundation
And it clears my side
Now my imagination
Is the only thing that limits
The bar and its rise to the heights

No one can have it all see
I have to they want me to
And I can't let them down
I'll never be happy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They’ve kept me stuck
They’ve kept me locked in my own cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

diane said...

*hugs*
I've never met ya face to face, but just in my interactions with you I know you have so much to offer. Do what you need to do for you, but know that so many of us think you are just absolutely adorable!!

Anonymous said...

I admire your bravery in actually writing your size in clothing. This something I'm not sure I would be able to do. Bravo. Good luck to you on your journey of self-acceptance.

I also wanted to comment on the person who wrote "get rid of the cats", Lefty I think his name was? Cats are better company than most men and some women I know. They don't lie, they don't cheat, they love you just the way you are, and keep you warm at night. I don't trust people that don't like animals, I think it says a lot about their character. An animal is a being, you can't just "get rid of".

Melissa said...

It's a whole lot safer to be rejected for what's on the outside(since society is snooty about it) than to think you are going to be rejected for what's on the inside.

And the funny thing is, you're amazing inside and out.

Meagan said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time now but have never posted a comment. I had to after reading this post because it defined exactly how i feel about myself. Thank you for being so open in all that you write, it takes a lot of courage and inspires me.

Thank you.

Bob Merrick said...

I love as I read all of these responses, the overwhelming applause and inspiration that you provoke in people. You need to hear and know and appreciate and understand that this is the most valuable part of yourself. Your physical exterior is just the result of a part of yourself you chose to not focus on.

When and if you want to focus on a healthy body you will. And when you do, it will be because you want to be around to watch Finn grow into the man you are proud to call nephew or because you are tired of being fatigued and unable to accomplish as much in a day as you want. Not because it defines who you are as a person. By no means should your physical appearance determine what we all know to be the most influential, caring, loving, kind, beautiful, radiant, inspiring, determined, awesome light that is you.

The next time you look in the mirror and say, "God, I am so fat." I want you to follow it up with, "but God I am so fabulous!" And no, I am not calling you fat, I am acknowledging that I can not keep you from calling yourself fat, but I can influence you to not follow it up with, "I am unworthy of the life I live because I am so fat." For the record, you are more worthy than most for you actually take the time to participate in the life you have been given! xo

Bre said...

There are just so many things that I want to tell you right now, but I get the feeling you understand it all implicitly... and I understand the feelings behind so much of what you wrote so very very much.

Becky said...

What a great post. I struggle with my weight as well and because of it, I've never been very comfortable approaching men or initiating anything with them. I just figured they'd want a skinnier woman.

Jenny said...

lady...you inspire me ALWAYS... and especially when you take risks like this to be vulnerable...to be honest...to be strong.

i could just HUG you right now...

xo
j

LVGurl said...

I admire your honesty! Take care of yourself... be happy AND healthy, inside and out :)

Dawn said...

"Not my stubborn streak. Not my bossiness. Not my anal list making and over-organizing. Not my ability to give unsolicited advice. Not my moodiness with peaks of complete hermiting."

If I weren't me and therefore know that I didn't write that...I would assume that I wrote that.

I feel your pain.

meghansdiscontent said...

I wish I had something to add that hasn't already been said, but I don't.

You're AMAZING and INSPIRING and most of all - umm, yeah, I've seen the pictures - GORGEOUS! From your smile to your soul.

And, more importantly, YOU can do anything.

gorillabuns said...

my grandmother used to say, "beauty is as beauty does." i never really understood what she meant, until i met quite a few "thin, seemingly beautiful" women with black hearts and equally black personalities. you can be thin, rich and beautiful but, what's in the soul is what really counts.

you my friend, have a beautiful soul in which others try to immulate.

alissa said...

I've met you too and the things that stand out to me? Your kind eyes, your beautiful smile, your fantastic skin, your amazing hugs and your chucks :) You are beautiful Sizz.

Congratulations on passing through the threshold!

Miahart said...

that was an amazing post. i relate so much with what you are saying, how you feel. you are not alone in this world of body image issues.
i will be routing for you on this new journey you are open the door on. you can do it!

Mrs. Ca said...

In college I was thin, like really too thin, and I was the unhappiest I've ever been. I removed myself from a bad living situation, and started gaining weight. I was happier, but still not happy. Now at the second-largest size I've ever been I'm happier than I've ever been, but for some reason I still want to lose weight, and think to myself that I'll be even happier if I can just lose 10 more pounds. I don't know why weight has such a hold over all of us, and it's sad that it does. I hope that you can walk through your door, and no matter what happens, that you become the happiest you've ever been.

Eyes said...

You are an amazing lady Miss Sizzle...truely, truely amazing!

kapgar said...

It's amazing how similar we are. I've been told I exude confidence on the outside and am an easy person to get along with. Yet I always envisioned myself dying alone. It's weird and sad, but that was what I always saw.

egan said...

I'm sure you've heard it all before. There's nothing I can say to make you change your thinking. Just let it be known you're an inspiration to those around you. Reading the comments on this post it's clear you've had a huge impact on many people. That Sizzle, is incredibly sexy and attractive. Good luck on your transition.

Karl said...

Well, you already know that your self perception is quite different than the perception of you that everyone else has. It's that dangerous, risky venture of believing it that makes it so scary.

I think everyone has that threshold to cross...and probably more than once. What that threshold represents to each person, well, that may vary.

I think you're gorgeous.

Anonymous said...

up until most recently i thought the same thing till i was getting my hair colored. my stylist mentioned a possible job and thought of me. i said no way because it requires you to wear a certain uniform that you must tuck in and i said i know you dont know what it is like to be "well not thin" and i dont feel comfortable wearing things tucked in and dont want to be humiliated every day i go to work... she said the most amazing thing to me. she said i dont look at your size, i look at your soul. i got chills and when i left i cried. she's a brand new stylist for me and i have never felt more beautiful than i did on that very day. sometimes i forget i am large. sometimes i forget people can be so cruel and sometimes i forget people can be so kind. that's what gets me through each day.

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