Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Enough With The Crying Already

For the record, I still totally love my life. I do! I'm just having a bit of a fragile spell. These old hurts that should have been buried many years ago are resurfacing like those corpses in Poltergeist (eww, that scene was scary! Remember?). It's fascinating, really, how I can chase this messed up feeling that I grew accustomed to in my younger years even as a (relatively) sane woman in my early 30's. I can know it will hurt and yet I do it anyway. It's almost as though the hurt is so familiar it's almost comforting.

Excuse me? Did I actually just say the hurt was comforting?! I'm so over myself. I'm over crying. I'm over feeling bad. I'm over making excuses. I'm over caretaking when no one, not even me, is taking care of me.

Let me rephrase that: Fuck. This. Shit.

Ok. Good. Now I feel better.

Today's mantra comes from my wise friend Melissa

"Sometimes I get to choose me."

14 comments:

sandra said...

YAY! At some point, you'll look back and think, "this was hard but SO worth it".

Mrs. Ca said...

That's a wonderful mantra. I will have to remember that one.

Anonymous said...

Sizzle just started reading your blog and I have to say I love it. We all have days like that so it's okay sometimes you have to battle your past in order to move forward but just like your mantra says ~ it's your choice....hope to "see" u smiling soon.

Anonymous said...

Also just started to read your blog. You write beautifully and your posts have really resonated with me - I loved the one about The Holiday! I went to see that with my work colleagues 3 days after a nasty break up and had a similiarly emotional response to the film. Anyway, just wanted to say "chin up girl" (I am a Brit after all) - life has its ups and downs and it is our job to make ourselves more ups. That's what I intend to do this New Year. All the best, Sizzle. Sounds like you deserve it. X

diane said...

You know, all the ladies I know have been in heavy self-reflective mood lately. Must be the new year and all...because I absolutely refuse to attribute it to the dreaded "V-Day" approaching...

justrun said...

Good on you, Sizz.

Jules said...

take the day off tomorrow. Cuddle up with a comedy. and for the love of god, pamper and cajole your fragile side. she needs love too, ya know.

Anonymous said...

Um what's going on? What happened to the I am woman hear me roar girl who announced to the world or the blog world she was ready to face 2007 all strong and mighty like... it's only 9 days into the new year and you're back to your sappy, self loathing self....sad to read.

Dave2 said...

Uhhhh... "Fuck. This. Shit." sounds pretty fucking strong and mighty to me... and not at all "sappy and self-loathing."

Did "fuck" somehow change its meaning while I was unawares?

g-man said...

{{{{{Sending out the good vibes}}}}}}}

Keep that attitude up.

sandra said...

I'm seconding what Dave said -- the post WAS strong and mighty -- and admitting that things are hard, but still pressing ahead and kicking some emotionally hard ass? Hardly sappy or self-loathing. Just real. And brave.

Traveling Chica said...

I'm with Dave on this one as well: we all have down moments, so what? Sue us. You're saying the hell with that and overcoming it. I hardly think that's being a wimp.

alissa said...

And what is more mighty and powerful than choosing yourself? Nothing I can think of.

You are strong Sizz, always have been and your strength shows in putting your emotions out there for the world to see, not hiding behind an anonymous comment.

Claire said...

"It's almost as though the hurt is so familiar it's almost comforting."

I understand this so well right now I want smack myself in the head, but I think I'll cut myself a break on beating myself up over it.

What's totally counter-intuitive is that it can be harder to choose yourself over other people. Cuz then you're really taking responsibility for your choices.

hang tough.