Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I've Come Unwrapped

I don't want to ruin anyone's holiday buzz but I am seriously peeved. I'm still debating if I am mad at me or at him though.

I've been schooled again and again to just STOP giving people so many chances to change. I thought, being the nice and forgiving person that I am, I would tell this particular person plain and clear why I was upset/disappointed in him and what I expected out of a friendship if we were going to have one- that way I could rest assured that I'd said my piece and could walk away undisturbed if and when he flaked out again.

So he tells me he has a Christmas present for me. This throws me off seeing as how we haven't spent any QT together in weeks and weeks. I figured I wouldn't see him and hadn't purchased a gift for him. He was on my naughty list. No, not THAT naughty list. The other one- of people who don't get any good cheer from Sizzle. He said he would come by last night. Did he call? Did he text? Did he IM? Email? Send a telegraph? Try mental telepathy?

No.

There is bound to be some excuse. Some tidbit of truth in a big ol' lie. How hard is it to pick up the phone and say, "I can't make it." I hate when I give someone multiple chances to redeem themselves and they consistently let me down. I begin to feel worse about myself for having given them so many said chances. I hate when someone says they are going to do something and they don't- salt in the wound if they don't even have the manners or decency to tell you they can't do it. Ugh, I spent all night feeling angry about it.

When is enough enough to finally say good-bye? Why don't I have that ability? This person has proven himself unworthy of my friendship and yet even typing that makes me feel guilty.

25 comments:

alissa said...

It's hard to let people go, especially when you try to see the best in everyone. The key is to take care of you. No one should make you feel like this. No one should take advantage of you being kind and forgiving. That's exactly what he is doing, yet again. Cut him out, for good. He doesn't deserve you.

Mrs. Ca said...

I've so been there before. The whole not calling thing is my biggest pet peeve (realized when the guy I was seeing stood me up on my birthday because he was too busy napping to take me out to dinner. A-hole!)

Anyway, I say it sounds like it's time to move on. If he doesn't value your time, why should you waste any of it on him?

gorillabuns said...

move on, move on. don't even waste your time with conversation because all he does is flap his gums with no true content coming out.

i'm wondering if he really had a present, probably not. i think he asked to bring one over just to see what you would say.

that's just the psychologist in me talking.....

Traveling Chica said...

While I don't disagree with what everyone else said, it's easier said than done.

Reading that, it could have been, word for freaking word, something I had written about my experiences with a guy friend of mine. The thing is, it's hard to let go of the history the two of you have together. No one else seems to get the fact that when things are good and you're getting along famously and he's not blowing you off, it's hard to imagine a better friend.

So I'll say I hope that he comes to his senses soon. *hugs*

StupendousWoman said...

I think chica said it best: letting go of the history is the hardest part.

When stuff like that happens and we get angry, it is the bruised ego that is reacting in a negative way (the other didn't do this, forgot that, hurt me, etc.)

I've found that switching things around and making a positive statement about what you need can help. Is this person giving you what you need in a friendship? The answer, in this case, seems obvious.

Your needs are completely legitimate! You don't have to apologize for them.

(sigh...) Yeah, it's hard. It's always sad when something like that doesn't work out.

Becky said...

Yeah, sounds like this might be the push you needed to let him go. I've been told the "I have a present for you" bit in past and wound up with zilch, even though I quickly rushed out and got one b/c I didn't think we were doing gifts. I don't know why they do it.

Jenny said...

i think you've come to your limit, just by posting this...

and i want to wring his neck ;)

more power to ya sistah!

Bone said...

I think most of us have been there, Sizzle. And sounds like you know what you need to do.

I had a female friend who it seemed would rather climb a tree to tell me a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. Oh the stories I could tell.

I tend to agree, he probably never even had a gift.

Melissa said...

If and/or when he calls, tell him to fold it all up until it's nothing but nice sharp pointy edges and shove it. Then hang up. That should be clear enough.

justrun said...

Sometimes, something as significant and frustrating as this has to happen before we've been smacked by the "duh, why am I not surprised?" load of bricks. Been there, for sure. The best thing you can get out of it now is to know, this is the last time.

hotpinksox said...

Screw him!

Almost the same thing happened to me THIS morning. I have a feeling that despite you telling him what you expect from him, he didn't hear it. Cut your losses. Give him the boot. Once you start not caring, he'll come running back.

But what do I know. . . .

BullysE said...

Because we feel that their negative view on us is True-- that we really don't deserve love.

It is he who has flaked, and this has nothing to do with your worth. It just FEELS like it does, right now.

question girl said...

sizz

burn him!!!

ha ha - i know its easier said than done.... i am doing the stall them out till they go away game this year..... i bought a bunch of "gifts": candels, picture frames, bottles of alcohol, and bath stuff.... all stuff i can use & i like so if i cant out stall THEM i have SOMETHING... i am reusing last years gift bags so if i have to run out the door to meet them i can just throw a little something together....

and if i CAN get away w/o giving the gifts away, i have lots of treats for me for the new year

eather way, i know you will end up doing what ever is right for you

Margaret said...

I know that unwrapped feeling!

Mocha said...

Holler at me if you need to, but what have his past consequences been for mistreating you? Do they need to get really bad for him to know that you won't tolerate it?

Your strength is there, honey. Look again at what you wrote. It's there.

Now go. Do.

We're all cheering you on...

Brookelina said...

Try to look at it this way, would you allow him to treat one of your friends like this? One of your relatives? Your nephew? Then don't allow him to treat you this way either.

Scrape him off.

JavaJabber said...

See the curb outside your front door?

Kick him to it!

Your gut tells you to ... you know it does. You are worth so much more than he's willing to give.

You can't change him. Only yourself.

Shafa said...

Sizz, being one of the guy type who has been guilty of this, I feel inclined to play Devil's Advocate.

Guys suck.

It's a fact. For real.

But if you think that he really cares for you - in spite of said asinine behavior - I would urge you to try to focus the peevedness on letting him know just how much that upsets you.

I have so many times been that guy, and I feel forever guilty about it. But I also feel forever blessed that the ladies I care for have not shut me out entirely and have been willing to forgive me. I get the feeling that you want to forgive him too...

*thinks good things for Sizz*

Nihilistic said...

Phoo! I hate when people are rude like that! I tend to have this bad habit of forgiving as soon as they act all nice. Then it happens again and I get mad again, then they are nice again, then I forgive again, then it happens again...I haven't broken that chain so I have no good advice....But at least you aren't alone!!!

Egan said...

I'm a little late chiming in on this one. Brooke and Alissa summed up my feelings about this pretty well. You have to take care of yourself first and think about the advice you would give if this guy was seeing a friend of yours.

You have a heart of gold.

Karl said...

Clearly you believe in second chances, which is great. But 50th chances? Um, not so much. If a guy can't even make a f**king phone call to reschedule then there's a problem.

Don't kick yourself for his bullshit. You're in the right.

asp said...

Accept the gift graciously as I know you have it in you to do so... Thank him with a personal verbal thank you and again with a simple hand written thank you note with grace and proper etiquette. Then simply tell him, you're moving on. You need to see who you feel you can be Sizzle. Playing these reindeer games at our age isn't fun and from reading you almost 2 years now........You deserve so much more.

Claire said...

I often think of myself as loyal-to-a-fault. What should seemingly be a virtue has turned into this flaw of mine because of other people's unreliability. It sucks.

I tried to lower my expectations but that only seems to work when I withdraw, am less present myself. It's kind of a drag, but it's also less upsetting/irritating for me.

sandra said...

You are an amazing person who deserves better, and there's no reason to feel guilty about what you said (says the pot to the kettle). I have similar guilt, which I think comes from a similar place -- and I've only recently (didn't blog about it, but had a "let this person go!" slap in the face a few weeks back) gotten to the point where I can say, and mean it, "I have amazing friends who care enough to try and not be shitty, and this person isn't worth my time or energy". Which is not to say it's not hard...but in the end, it's harder to feel bad when I'm continually disappointed. You should never have to make excuses for someone else's behavior, or accept less than what you deserve.

You can do it! '07 is the year of Strong Sizz.

Josie said...

This is me and my now ex boyfriend. Over the past 3 years he has consistently stood me up, let me down, disappointed me. I have accepted the "excuses", the promises to never do it again, etc.
He stood me up on Christmas Eve. I don't know why now and not before, but I can no longer put myself out there for someone who obviously has no respect for my feelings.
I don't know what happens from here, but I do know it can't feel nearly as bad as it does being forgotten.