Wednesday, November 15, 2006

What Isn't Being Said

While talking to a friend last night, I realized, yet again, that we're all struggling to believe in ourselves and find a voice for our own truth. Some might be further along than others on that path but regardless, I think it boils down to forgetting our humanness. It's not easy to figure ourselves out, to believe in ourselves, to be in relationships with people. To attempt to act with character and integrity every day. We get hurt. We fall into old crappy patterns. We act out. We self-sabotage. We blame and wail and hide. And eventually we repair it and move on. I hope.

Do you ever have two conversations at once? Meaning, you are having one out loud, in dialogue with someone while meanwhile you are having an entirely different one with that person in your head?

Or maybe that's just me?

I remember a while back, Dumpling and I were talking via instant messenger. I think we might have been in the heat of some "big discussion" and there came a point when we started writing what we were thinking in our head in a different font after we typed what we thought we should say out loud. It would go something like this:

Me: Let's just forget about hanging out. I'm in a bad mood and no fun to hang out with.
Me: I want you to love me even when I am being a pill. I feel vulnerable when I am not "on" and in a "presentable mood."

See? Because sometimes we say one thing and we mean another. Because sometimes asking for what we want is difficult. Because it is scary to risk rejection. Because it is often frightening to be truly honest.

I wish it wasn't.

What is underneath what you are saying?


snackiepoo said...

I totally refer to the saying "here in my head" when having conversations with people most of the time. I am saying one thing but my head is generally saying the negative things, or rattling around whatever fears are in there.

Mostly, it has been about my weight lately.

Me: Woo Hoo, I lost 18 pounds in one month and love the fact that I am slimming down.

My head: Yeah, 18 pounds is good but I am still a fucking fat ass and hate feeling insecure.

So I get ya.

BullysE said...

What a great post, Sizzle! I totally get the honesty, and the risk of self and being hurt thing. It sucks, and yet, we know we are supposed to color within the lines, and be nice...but inside our heads? We scribble outside the lines, out of spite.

Keep growing, and be the best you possible!

Jenny said...

nice post. this used to be how i operated all the time. i still do it sometimes, but try to be as honest as possible. no one is perfect... we are all just trying to find our way in the world...and you seem to be making great strides.

Becky said...

Great topic. I would say that I have dual conversations, not necessarily because I'm afraid to say what I want but that it's either inappropriate or won't do any good anyway. Though my friends know that I will be honest when they ask me a question, my previous level of bluntness caused more trouble than it was worth and I learned to use a filter (or maybe I just grew up;).

justrun said...

Blogger just ate my last comment... and damn, was it funny!

Anyway, I think the reality of it is, both what you're saying and what you're thinking can be honest and you can't fall into the trap of "am I being my true self?" all the time. Self preservation is natural and necessary and the things that need to come out, will.

Dustin said...

Me: I get worried when I don't hear the other voice in my head.

Me: I post sarcastic and 'witty' things in your comment section to hide the fact that I feel too emotionally out of my league to try and be sincere...and I'm afraid you'll think less of me.

Claire said...

You: How are you?

Me: Fine, thanks. What's up with you these days?

Me: Please don't ask me specifics. Nothing's really changed, I'm stuck in a well of inertia, I still don't know what I want to do, and I know that makes me seem like a loser. (Or if you do know me well, then)I know that disappoints you.

Sarcomical said...

i love this post. so true.

me: oh, i'm fine. staying busy. you know.

me: god, don't ask me anything else. i feel useless and non-productive and don't want you to know.

Nihilistic said...

Remembering to be open and say what you want is one of the hardest things to do...sometimes you want other people to just know..."Why should I EVEN HAVE to ask" Or is that just me? haha

Nihilistic said...

Remembering to be open and say what you want is one of the hardest things to do...sometimes you want other people to just know..."Why should I EVEN HAVE to ask" Or is that just me? haha

MY COMMENT...STUPID STUPID Blogger beta...I made up that name to test it and now it logs me in under that name even though I deleted the whole blog...I freaking hate beta!!!! HATE IT!

Stacy said...

Both of those are me...Still hating beta!

Bone said...

Good post, Ms. Sizzle.
Me: Why can't I think of ideas like this?!

Seriously, why can't people just say what they are thinking? It's one of the great mysteries of life. Things would be so much easier if we did.

I hate conversations where I can tell something is obviously wrong with the person. But they won't say what it is. Until hours or days later.

Of course, I've been guilty of the same.

Bob Merrick said...

I love you even when you are being a pill. I love you when you are vulnerable and are not "on" and in a "presentable mood."

Anonymous said...

i fucking miss you.

Chickadee said...

OMG...Sizzle, you spoke so eloquently on this one. I can relate to this all too well.

Right now, I really hate myself and it's difficult to see the good in me, especially when I don't act in alignment with my intergrity.

I think we need to be patient with ourselves and not be so hard on ourselves and celebrate the our accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem.