Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Nice, Shmice

All my life I've hated being referred to as "nice" - I guess I was always striving for something more poetic. Not that being "nice" or "cute" is bad. It's just that that is what everyone says when they have nothing really to say about a person. I don't want to be like every other person to someone. This is where the problem begins. With this kind of thinking.

You see, when you start thinking that you want everyone to like you and to like you in such a way that they might, say, rave about you- you can cue the uh-oh's right now. And this problem of mine rears its ugly head more frequently when I am around men. "Oh guy who is a pompous son of a bitch, please chase after me to prove I am worthy of being adored!" What? Stop this madness. "Oh guy who is so self-absorbed he lacks the ability to be thoughtful- won't you change your evil ways to prove I am worthy of being adored!" This is getting ridiculous.

For the record, I am still not dating or pursuing dates. It's just that this kind of sickness can chase a girl down until she wrestles and wins.

Let's dissect shall we? A) Has no kind name to call these men. B) Wants some sort of proof. C) Would like to be adored. Uh, we've got a serious dilemma here. Serious. If I don't like a person enough to refer to them kindly, the desire for wanting their approval should end right there. And yet? It doesn't. If I am always requiring proof, the likelihood of said proof materializing in a way that my clouded vision can see it is slim to none. If I want to be adored but am willing to waste time and energy on men who do not measure up or deliver, then WTF business do I have pursuing love at all?

We've talked about this countless times. I know you are weary of my blogtherapy but this is a demon I need to wrestle and win. My ultimate happiness rests on resolving this. I fear if I don't get a handle on this one, I will always be running after the wrong guy for the wrong reasons. And while that might make for good blog material, I'd like to actually be happily in love some day.

18 comments:

Anthony S. said...

That "nice" bullshit line gets to me, too. Nice is now an insult, because it seems to generalize and makes the speaker sound unthoughtful. It always comes with a high tone reserved for the imaginary second syllable.

Watch out for being called "sweet" and "wonderful" too, though; people use a word that has more meaning than they should give it, and makes it lose the value. I suppose an action would be stronger than a beautiful word spoken as hollowly as an echo.

alissa said...

You're smart and healthy and learning a ton about yourself right now. Don't discount the journey! Once you have these realizations, there is no going back.

I'm proud of you :)

Lushy said...

The fact that these fucktards are not falling all over themselves to woo you tells me two things: 1) The universe has a way of protecting you from things that would not ultimately be good for you; and 2) they are stupid.

There are a huge number of possible good matches for you out there. It's a matter of being open to them at the right time and allowing yourself to cut out the ones that hold you back. You are awesome and don't let anyone's actions or lack thereof tell you otherwise.

Jenny said...

men, schmen. that's what i say. :)

Melissa said...

If you are living your life the way you like, becoming the person you want to be and approve of yourself, approval from others will matter less and less.

Will said...

Siz rocks like Round Midnight.

Maya said...

You know I find myself poorly describing men, almost purely because when it doesn't work out (as I always convince myself it won't) everyone will know that they were no good, and I am better off without them. Pure self-protection.

I will add however, that many (MANY) people have referred to me as many things much much worse than "nice"... and I don't mind that at all either. Sometimes I am not a nice girl.

;-)

Mrs. Ca said...

I have that "nice" problem too. The "wanting everyone to like me" problem. It's hard, no? If you do find a solution could you let me know?

My husband and I had it out over this one/the birthday fiasco last night. His feelings were hurt, as mine were before the talk, and I couldn't make "I just want you to put as much effort into things as I do" come out right without sounding like a complete bitch. This wanting to please everyone and being happy at the same time thing is rough.

BullysE said...

I don't weary of your "blogtherapy". I like hearing you think things thru, and treat us as you would a friend willing to listen over coffee.

If you haven't yet, finish that great book Perfect Daughters(or look over the men-part again), and then allow yourself to pinpoint the reasons why it is we seek acknowledgement from faulty, arrogant men. Yes, I said WE. The more we understand what we are doing, and why, the better we can flog ourselves onward, towards constructive living.

Not hating ourselves--stopping with the hating--is maybe the first on the agenda. You are worth being loved, even on a b*tchy, snarky, unmatching outfit day! Own that! *Hugs*

goldmoon said...

We would all like to see you happily in love, too!!

JavaJabber said...

I wrestled this same demon many years ago. I finally figured out why I did this very thing.

It was simple (for me). I always wanted that guy (the one I really didn't even like) because I wanted to be able to leave him in the dust FIRST. To make someone else feel as bad as I felt when I was abandoned emotionally from my alcoholic mother (now recovering). To feel as bad as I did every time my ex-husband would beat me to a pulp. I wanted them to exit the relationship feeling, "I loved as much as I could and I was kicked to the curb."

I wanted to every guy who came within inches of getting close to me by giving retribution for the deep, soul wrenching pain caused by others before him.

JavaJabber said...

Last line should read:

"I wanted to punish ... "

Bre said...

ME TOO! When it comes to... just about everything. I went through an overly long phase where I seemed to be only attracted to guys who would treat me bad and mess with my head. Now, it's really the exact opposite that I find myself getting dreamy over. I like nice guys, solid boy-next doors. I think that secretly it's my way of making amends with my past self...apologizing for hurting my own heart.

And for the record, I'd like you to be happily in love some day, too.

snackiepoo said...

I think that we all tend to crave affection and for people to make us feel better about ourselves, no matter what the source. What sucks is the people who never get that snap realization that you just had.

For the record, I totally was the same way. I would think a guy was a total assjacket but when he did not like me, I demanded to know what exactly my freaking problem was in his eyes.

Anyway, since you are so "nice", will you be able to make time for a lunch or something when I am there in Dec/Jan???

matilda said...

You wrote: For the record, I am still not dating or pursuing dates...

My reply: For the record, you have yet to be "single" long enough to see if you really need a man to make your life complete.

What is the damn rush?

Bone said...

I kinda get tired of hearing things like "You're such a great guy" and "How are you still single?"

Especially when the answer to the latter is, "It's really not all that difficult, if you apply yourself." :)

Dustin said...

"Nice" is so that kiss-of-death word. Totally relegates something/someone into the "harmless" category which is great if you're talking about kindergarden teachers, but out here in "we play for keeps" land (love, jobs, etc.) nice gets you leftover meat loaf. Ya, somehow that made more sense in my cabeza.

Enjoying the snow?

Karl said...

I think you're holding out for the supreme guy. I've got to get out that way soon.