Monday, November 06, 2006

I Hold The Key (but the lock is broken)

Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald


I don't feel like going into work today. We had a fundraiser yesterday and I was on my feet for 8 hours, never ate a proper meal and my big toes are sore. Why just the big toes? You've got me.

I feel a bit antsy, internally. Like even if I took today off I would go stir crazy in my dark apartment as it storms outside. I want human connection. I want busywork. I want to let my overactive brain focus on something productive. If I sat still I would overthink. I must stop the overthinking.

It's not exactly a freak out- what my brain is doing these past few days. It's more like I am onto something, like I've got my hook into the meaty part of what's been bothering me and the fucked up part of me is trying to distract me from really making a positive change. This past weekend I've wallowed in bad feeling, acted out of character, felt sorry for myself, acted passive aggressive and had a brief run in with neediness. It was a full weekend folks.

My horoscope said this to me today: "Learning to find fulfillment in yourself and your life as it is in the present could help you fill any sense of emptiness you may have.. .When we search for gratification outside of ourselves it usually means that we are not giving our spirit what it needs to feel fulfilled, which makes it easier for us to focus on ourselves and more rewarding ways to feed our deepest yearnings. Once we realize that we hold the key to our happiness, we will stop searching for things outside of ourselves."

I have a real issue with self-fulfillment. It's at the heart of my problem here. Why is it so hard to look inside to find your happiness?

14 comments:

Becky said...

I wonder if part of it's because we're somewhat "trained" to beat ourselves up, and that it's arrogant to think so highly of ourselves?

Margaret said...

A full weekend can be a positive thing.

alissa said...

because the most rewarding experiences are the hardest. You'll find your happiness, just be patient with yourself.

Shawn said...

Becky, I couldn't agree more. We, as women, are taught to find happiness in a man or gardening or something equally superficial. It's hard to find happiness alone, or even to look inward for it, because we don't know how. When I really want to go out and behave badly, I just stay in and try to figure out what my antsiness is saying to me instead of letting myself run amok -- not every time, mind you . . . :) But we need to start finding our own bliss in our own selves and then we can make our lives everything we want them to be -- but much of the time we don't even know what we want because we aren't trained to figure that out either. We have a lot of difficulty roads to tread, but we can do it if we really want to. :)

sue said...

I think Becky's on to something!

Melissa said...

Because what happens if we look inside and don't find it? Then what do we do?

JustRun said...

Because it's going to take a lot of time and we're sort of conditioned to believe we don't have that kind of time. We are taught to keep this "life schedule" and what we don't realize is the schedule is worthless if everything on it was put there by someone else. Take the time to write your own rules, friend. You deserve it.

Claire said...

Well, I'm more critical of myself than anyone else, so the happiness inside is not so easy to see when I'm continually staring at what I need (or think I need) to fix/change.

Jenny said...

sit still a bit longer. big shifts and good stuff are coming your way. i can feel it.

Bob Merrick said...

Because you have trained yourself to believe you don't deserve it. The question wasn't rhetorical, was it?

Minal said...

....try loving yourself more.

Faith said...

Busy work is good! I think there is something in Zen and the Art about cleaning house. By recognizing you aren't ok, it's all the more reason you are ok! :)

Yay!!! Hey at least you wore a killer hat on Sunday. Where are the pics??

kapgar said...

It's your big toes because all your anxiety and tension builds down into your feet and curls your toes. It happens to me quite regularly.

matilda said...

Join Big Friend/Little Friend... then you can concenrate all your jittery vibes onto a cool little friend.... and be a hero in her eyes.