Actions & Attitude

I was feeling really free after my earlier epiphany this week about not actively pursuing a love connection. I felt liberated and hopeful instead of anxious and moody. I had a few days where I actually didn't give the thought of men all my extra energy. I quite liked the feeling.

But then there is P. My friend P is my first Seattle friend. We met a couple of weeks after I had moved here. His intentions were likely romantically-inclined when he approached me though I went into our initial meeting so preoccupied by my job search and the overwhelming newness of having just moved, dating was honestly the last thing on my mind. Yet, there was an immediate attraction and comfort being around him. Initially, I said I'd rather just take it slow and see if something meaningful could develop rather than jump into a physical relationship. He agreed even though it was out of character for him to do so. He'd been "dating" for about 5 years with no actual girlfriend coming out of all the effort.

From the book's standpoint, P was totally into me in the beginning. He was eager to spend time with me. He was incredibly helpful and supportive as I got used to living here. We went places and he showed me around. Then. . .nothing. It. . just. . .stopped. And I am trying to figure out why.

It was confusing for me to just "hang out" with someone, completely unclear if we were supposed to be seeing other people or be monogamous even though we hadn't slept together. When I would bring up such a subject, he'd kind of talk about it but he wasn't very forthcoming. It just confused me more. Was it him or me or the combination of "us" that wasn't working? I started to tell him I thought maybe we should just be friends. I didn't get why we weren't progressing towards a full blown relationship. Something was off. He would always reply a resounding "No!" to my suggestion of just friends. Uh, ok . . . Now I am even more confused.

So then I moved onto the next phase where I told him I wanted us to see other people but we could still hang out. I went on a couple of dates. None of them panned out but they sure did add to my confusion about dating and it became obvious my intentions for dating were not on the up and up, as we have discussed. Hence my recent epiphany and new direction with the whole dating thing- as in, I am not going to date right now.

But P doesn't know this. We hang out maybe once a week, hardly ever on the weekend but we still talk practically every day. He doesn't ask me about stuff like this- like what is going on internally. He just backs off and gives me space if I am acting weird. I want to tell him that we have to stop all the physical aspects of our "friendship" because it is truly a let down when we do engage in such behavior but then he is sporadic about spending time with me, he never asks me to stay the night at his apartment and we are four months into whatever the fuck this is and still, we aren't a couple. It just isn't going to happen. And oh yeah I am taking a break from dating. Right.

I am scared and sad to have to tell him because he has honestly been a big part of my Seattle existence. He has shining moments when he is a good friend and a lot of fun to be around. If I tell him, I am going to have to stop hanging out with him for a while so we can adjust to the idea. It just feels like we are using one another until something better comes along and nothing better comes along when you are doing something like that. And oh yeah right I am taking a break from dating. Shit.

It sure is hard to give up your crutch.

I suppose every new way of being takes time to get into the groove of. There are bound to be setbacks and the occasional snag. I am not going to beat myself up. Just look at the reality of the situation, make changes and move on. But I can't keep saying one thing and doing another. I need to line up my actions with my intentions.