Friday, October 20, 2006

This Is Not A Competition

. . . or is it?

Casual dating feels more like a contest than actual dating because when people are dating multiple people someone eventually is going to win out, no? At least, aren't the participants hoping for that? That possibly one person will drop off or make some erroneous error forever marring them in the eyes of their potential boyfriend/girlfriend sits, teetering, on the fence between indecision and decision. Between commitment and playing the field. Between you or them.

But if you like someone and enjoy their company but aren't 100% sure you can see a future with them, isn't it fair to leave it open to seeing other people? Or does the actual act of seeing other people interfere with the knowing if that person is future-worthy or not?

Do you see how a person could get confused? I surely hope so. I tend to over-think everything and this situation is no different. But seriously, isn't this shit confusing?

Look, I've done my fair share of dating. I was on Match.com, Yahoo Personals, Craigs List, blah blah, blah for quite a while back in the day and during that period of dating frenzy my friends were begging for some sort of chart to keep up with all the men I was seeing. It was exhausting and most of them fizzled out after 3-5 dates. The equation didn't really cut it for me. Expending 110% energy and getting 45% back? Something is definitely amiss there.

Then there were the relationships that started with a bang- you look at them, they look at you and viola! you're in love. Hey, it happens. Or the ones that grew out of friendship and weren't full of angst or the drama of dating multiple people simultaneously and having to decide. Somebody's gonna get hurt when you are juggling a couple of suitors and selfishly, I don't want it to be me. Is that wrong?

Some people say that if it is too much work at the beginning, it isn't meant to be. I'm still debating that one. Though I'd sure like to just meet a swell fella- he'd like me and I'd like him and the thought of pursuing other people wouldn't enter our minds because the enamored feeling between us was too special to ignore. I'm starting to feel like that is a lot to ask. And that makes me want to heave a big sigh and pull myself out of the game.

10 comments:

alissa said...

Yes! Mass dating always completely exhausted me. I would date 2-3 guys at a time and by the time it was all said and done I would need about 6 months to recover before diving in again. It is A LOT of work. How do they make it look so easy on Sex and the City?

Circe said...

Way back when I did date, (and TBC tends to frown on me dating now), I never could date multiples! It was always Mr-One-Guy-At-A-Time. *sigh*

I always wished I could have but it never worked out that way...

Melissa said...

I hate dating. I've been doing this shit for 20 years and it never gets easier for me. And the issues I've developed over those 20 years because of bad dating experiences have hardly made it all worth while. And being told I love you? Yeah, it's nice, but for me that just opens up a whole other can of neurosis for me.

Jenny said...

dating. blah. i hear ya sistah! so before all these personals sites, what did we do? if they didn't exist, what would be do? settle? no thanx... i might rather be single. heh.

snackiepoo said...

I don't want to bog you down with crazy defeatist talk but, whenever I started dating someone and it just felt like too much work, they never were going to be the right one for me. When I met Shawn, I actually stopped dating three different non-committal men and things with us went easy. I guess that is how I knew it was right.

Also, please note that my blog URL has changed to www.snackiepoo.com.....thanks!

JustRun said...

Ugh, I feel ya. It's got to be one of the most daunting and complicated things we'll ever do. And I have no idea what's too much to ask, really. But the day that I'm willing to settle for less or nothing at all has yet to come. So I guess I'll just keep learning as I go.

Margaret said...

It's like a game of chess, or war... all the strategy.

Alison said...

I suppose I am lucky because I met my sweetie online in a totally random way. Like, neither of us were looking for a relationship, but we just clicked. For me, love has always happened when I wasn't looking for it.

*smooch*

Bone said...

I tried not looking for a relationship for a year. You never saw girls so happy :)

We've all heard the countless bits of dating advice and cliches. What I've found is, it's all correct, at least some of the time.

Hope this helps :)

Becky said...

I've always kind of gone with the assumption that both sides are free to date others, unless you actually have the exclusivity talk. I've also been so disappointed with those sites that I've just stopped all-together. It just seems to happen whenever I'm not trying, so that's my "plan."