Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Hair Grows, Change is Good

There was a time when I equated long hair with femininity. When I thought that I was too boyish with short hair, current fashion trends be damned. Especially as a Women's Studies major in a lesbian-loving town, there were rumors. And then I guess I moved to a new city, settled into being 33 and said, "I don't give a fuck." Sometimes you just have to be who you are. Sometimes that means being a short-hair-loving-gal.

Sure, I worry that having less hair exposes my face, my chub, my blemishes, my freckles, my wrinkles, my insecurities more. Sure I do. But at the same time, there is a sort of sweet liberation. Here is my face. The laugh lines. The dimple. The imperfections that make it mine.

Most of my life I have been told "You have such a pretty face. . ." There is always that unspoken "but" right after. The rest that follows is "too bad you are fat." No one wants to admit it but it's there.

It's true, I have not found peace with my body image- yet. I'm trying. Baby steps. In facing my insecurities I've been thinking about all the hurtful things that have been said to me over the years. . . As if remembering helps me purge them from my psyche. Here's a few of what I've carried-

"You'd be really hot if you lost weight."
"My friends look down on me because I date you."

"I told my dad that you are overweight. I've never dated someone of your size before."

"I don't know what I would say if someone commented on your body shape to me."


Then I look at these comments in review and attach them to the men who said them to me and suddenly I wonder- was it my insecurity or theirs that hurt the most?

22 comments:

ocg said...

That last line Sizz... wow. I believe the nail head was just hit.

I have dated guys before (mostly when I was younger) that would come up with the most idiodic hurtful things to say. Looking back this last year, I realize they had the problems and chose to project them on me.

I love your hair, and I love this post. I want to write down and stick up that last line to my mirror as a reminder.

Bob Merrick said...

perfect post.

but you know I always loved your long blonde hair :-)

damn me for ever dying it red.

no wonder your mother stopped speaking to us.


xox

Alison said...

Good point!

I think your hair looks great the way it is. And so do you.

JustRun said...

I hope you have that "I no longer have time for people like that" feeling because your hair and you are great!

Melissa said...

Having heard a lot of the same tactless comments in the past I'm of the firm opinion that roughly 42% of the population should walk around wearing ball gags.

And it's really funny to me now because I look at pictures of women in Hollywood and think to myself, "Wow, she'd be an unbelievable knockout if she'd eat a sandwich."

It took a long time for me to own my insecurities, I refuse to own anyone elses - including my dates'.

alissa said...

It's always there insecurities :)

I'm so glad you're taking the steps to love yourself as much as we all do!

I adore the short hair!

Jenny said...

you are beautiful and hot and smart and sexy and well... i could go on for days...

bravo for being honest and open about re-doing in you in whatever form that takes...

someday people will realize it's not the shell, it's the oyster.

i love you~

gorillabuns said...

my husband's father made crass remarks about my weight before we were married. he flipped him the finger and married me anyway.

love comes from your soul not your shell. the people who are so shallow as to tell you such hurtful things, don't love you or anyone else for that matter. heck, they don't even love themselves.

i say, love yourself, your hair and your beautiful soul. only special people who deserve you will be lucky to share in what wonderful things you have to give.

Bre said...

Good lord, I adore you! In so many ways I am on exactly the same boat that you are. In fact I even taught myself at one point not to be attracted to skinny men, because how ridiculous would that look?! Eventually that specific part of my insecurity faded away, but little bits linger. You hit the nail on the head with your last line. Wonderful.

Dave2 said...

Apparently some of us guys wouldn't know a good thing if it bit us on the ass.

Or maybe not.

Try biting the next one on the ass and see where that gets you. We can practice at TequilaCon!! :-)

Sizzle said...

r u guys trying to make me cry!? and i mean that in a good way.

except for dave- who always makes me laugh. watch out for your ass at TequilaCon!

thanks y'all. i feel the luv.

;) sizz

hotpinksox said...

I love your hair. Don't ever change it.

I can totally relate to this post. I am also a formerly long haired lass. And I also have heard the "you have such a pretty face but" comments. Even when I was a skinny (for me) girl. Once a family member told me that my new car was "the perfect car for the new skinny me." I wonder what she has to say about the car and the fatter me now?

Dorothy said...

"Yeah, and I really love that gap in your teeth"

"What, you don't have one?"

**POW**

"Oh, how I love that gap in your teeth"


"And the way you cry like a girl when you get a knee to the groin"

Mr_Rodacre said...

I love you fat, skinny, short hair, long hair, dimples, pimples and all.

Maybe you should try writing about all of the compliments you receive. And then try remembering those instead of the negative ones.

I bet you ten million dollars and a naked sprint down Pacific Avenue there's more of the good than the bad.

Shift your focus.

Sizzle said...

but you know what dumpling? sadly, it's the hurtful ones that stay. it isn't that i don't hear good things. quite the contrary. but that wasn't what this post was about now was it?

you can run naked down pacific avenue anyhow. how about next friday?

kapgar said...

Unfortunately, it seems the tendency of us humans to try to dump our own insecurities on others through offhanded insults.

Remember, there's no "but" when I leave you compliments.

Rabbit said...

You get the cutest haircuts! I am definitely a short hair loving gal, but I date a lot of long hair loving guys.

kirtepaa said...

Whenever I got a comment like that it always meant that:

(a) their own mother or sister was overweight and they were too embarrassed to say anything about THEM but had no problems saying it to me...

and

(b) they all had very small penises.

Personally I wouldn't worry about it Siz.

sandra said...

Dickwads!

Circe said...

I think you are beautiful inside and out and short hair looks wonderful on you. We all have to endure criticism it seems. When I first married TBC, both his grandfathers had to comment to my face on how skinny I was! I could have punched them both in the face but I resorted to my killer glare 'o death (my specialty)...

hugs,
circe

sue said...

I, too, have gotten the "but" comments. Having been anorexically thin as a teenager (but not anorexic) then having the four kids and the continuing weight gain I've been fighting every since, I always get that... "You used to be so pretty"... like WTF does THAT mean? *sigh*

I like your attitude...it's always wise to remember who is making the comment and their possible motivation. I love ya whether you have long hair or short, are thin or heavy. "You" are not your body / hair / toenails ... whatever. "You" are a wonderful person and some day will be where you want to be in every way. I have faith.

Clink said...

Dude, you're gorgeous. And you can write. And you're funny. And you seem like you'd be a delightful person in 'real life.' And those boys were/are obviously partially retarded and perhaps a bit blind.

Just my .02.