Thursday, October 12, 2006

Filling The Void

I fear I will be the reason I never fall in love again.

And this groom statue (jokingly placed on my desk at work while I was not looking) will the closest I will ever get to marriage. ---->

You see, I am a big ol' sappy romantic at heart and I waste a lot of time day dreaming about meeting a man, falling madly, passionately in love and setting up house. I do. I'll deny it left and right if you catch me on a guarded day but goddamnit I do. I wish I didn't.

I think about what it would be like to have someone love me and I love them in return- equal measures of the same abundant feeling. The not wanting to wait to see/talk to him again. The cute, flirty emails and texts exchanged while we are away from one another. The longing. The excitement of being around him. The memorizing of him- the way he looks (the scar on his left hand, the mark on his lip, the mole on his cheek, the way he walks into a room), the way he talks (how his voice sounds first thing in the morning, how he says my name), the firsts and seconds and thirds (first time he held my hand, we kissed, negotiation, disappointment, embarrassment, laughter), the discovering (sometimes learning more about me than about him in the process).

But you can't force it. And you can't predict it. And if you shut down from the fear of it, you'll be very lonely.

I'm in a bit of a catch 22. I want to be in a relationship yet I don't 100% believe I am well equipped to be in one. I want to try but the moment I feel vulnerable, I have an internal freak out. I worry too much about disappointing people. I dislike being exposed. I have an overwhelming need to remain in control. Tracing these patterns back to my childhood and, in particular, my relationship with my father, helps me understand myself better but it doesn't help me relearn how to be on a day-to-day basis. I want to be different than I am. I want it so desperately I can't really think about anything else which in turn just closes me of because I am so damn preoccupied. The only way to get better at something is to practice, right? Well this kind of practicing- liking people, going on dates, negotiating relationships, exposing my self-doubt in increments- is so incredibly painful sometimes I just want to lock myself in my apartment. Say "Enough!" and live my life out with cats.

But I won't. I don't sit back and let life happen. That isn't who I am or who I want to be. I packed up my safe, happy life in Santa Cruz to see if a new city would help me be more myself than I ever have been. Going "home" today will be good for me. A perspective. A retrospective. A compare/contrast. It's only been 3 months but how far have I come? And how wonderful will it be to be surrounded by familiar faces and places and to receive an over-abundance of hugs and smiles and love. Here's to hoping it will be a bit of salve to soothe my aching heart.


alissa said...

I'm sure a trip back to Santa Cruz is EXACTLY what you need right now! Have a great trip Sizz - taking each small step to learn who you are and where you've come from, brings you closer to meeting that someone.

You need to truly know yourself to allow someone else to know you. I'm proud of you!

OT said...

There have probably been numerous books penned on this topic, however it doesn't mean much to read words which one cannot directly apply to one's life. It really does have to be a time and a place where it all comes together, and there's never an indication when and where it will be.

But it does happen. It truly does drop in your lap, and it can be painful in the beginning, but when the crazy fog lifts, the brilliance of that event will make any and all pain worthwhile. I've been there, and I'm there now. It is beautiful.

So is Santa Cruz :-)

snackiepoo said...

The thing is that love is so unpredictable yet we always overthink it. When I met my husband, I was in the WORST part of my life emotionally; I had just suffered a tremendously drama llama break up about 6 months earlier, was dating about three guys at a time just to get out there, but knowing none of them were the one and was scared of real love because of that nuclear bomb of a breakup that I mentioned.

And it happened. And we emailed, and we texted, and I would feel a grin come over my face every time...and I fell in love. I wasn't looking for it and I wasn't in a place for it but I sure did want someone to love for the rest of my life.

I guess my point is that it will happen; fate is just waiting to throw Mr. Right your way and until then, really...seriously...enjoy your freedom and the fact that you sleep without someone who snores ;).

Bre said...

I hate it when people tell you that you'll fall in love as soon as you stop looking for it - because how do you stop? How do you turn off that part of your brain that asks "is this him?" every time you meet someone new? People have told me that you can't really love someone until you really love yourself... but I think that has a degree of crap in it too. I love myself, I love so much about who I am and what I have overcome to get here. But I'm not finished yet... so how do I love myself wholely and entirely when I'm not finished becoming myself yet?

Too many questions to answer.

I think your trip back will be a good thing for you, especially because you will be reminded just how much you are loved and missed, and that does wonders for a girl!

JustRun said...

I struggle with that, too? Is what I want what I'm ready for? Little by little, it is. I like to think, though, that something that's right won't be near the stretch I imagine. Rather, I'll always want to be better than now and the right person will foster that.

Have a great time on your SC visit! I am sure it will be all good. :)

Jenny said...

i can't wait to see you! we get to process in real time!!! *yay* and consume some sake. it will be good :)

kapgar said...

It is possible for that dichotomy (wanting to be and not being ready to be in a relationship) to exist within a person. You know what you want and realize that part of you needs work and you certainly seem willing to work at it. That's all that matters. When the time is right, it will happen. We're pulling for you.

Bob Merrick said...

Love is never equal
I learned that early at home
Someone always loves more than the other

And ends will always come
So you might as well have beginnings
Love is never equal after all

Love is never equal
The love between two people
Someone always gets the shorter straw
Love can be so tender
But you always must remember
Love is never equal after all

Last year I had someone
Who worshipped at my feet
He gave me everything I wanted
But he did not interest me

And now I'm standing naked
Like one of those bad dreams
Where everyone has clothes on
'Cept for me

Love is never equal
The love between two people
Someone always gets kicked to the curb
Love can be so tender
But you always must remember
Love is never equal after all

Love is never equal
The love between two people
Someone always gets kicked to the curb
Someone's always left out freezing
Battered down and bleeding
Love is never equal after all

Someone's always cheated
Hoodwinked and mistreated
Love is never equal after all

Becky said...

I hope you have a fun time. I think part of the reason why love and relationships can be so frustrating is that they're the one thing we Aries can't plan:)

Claire said...

Have fun in the Cruz, and remember to be patient with yourself. I well know how difficult it is to change my own trends. It takes time and diligence. Three months isn't long at all, but you've already scored a place to live and a new job. I think you're doing great.

Anonymous said...

What happened to the dude you were "dating" in Seattle? Personally I think you and Mr. Rodacre are perfect matches for each other despite what you both have blogged about each other of it will never work. Maybe marriage isn't in the cards for you. I've come to terms at the age of 40 that perhaps I wasn't meant to be married but if it happens it happens. I'm not going to lose sleep over it and surely am not going to keep pining over the fact that I am still single with a box of sex toys under my bed waiting ... just waiting for the perfect man to use them on.

Alison said...

I think a weekend back in Santa Cruz is just what you need.

Now I'll tell you not to fret so much. Things will fall into place for you. And you know what? There's always a risk in love. Embrace that fact (if you can!)

Have a great weekend.

Dustin said... if things don't work out with plastic tuxedo boy...can I have his number? It's for a friend, honest. :)

Javajabber said...

Remember, this is just my humble (and sometimes not wanted opinion) ... but it's something to think about.

It's a good thing that we all have standards, you know, our lists of what we do and don't want in a relationship, our political beliefs, our religious beliefs, what makes a friend, and the like.

But sometimes our list becomes so set in stone and the anticipation of actually having "the list" become real we build a solid, inflexible wall that prevents us from seeing possibilities right in front of us.

I'm not saying we're supposed to devalue what we want, to lower ourselves to settle, not at all. I'm saying that if we put such high expectations on both ourselves and anyone else who comes into our lives ... it just won't happen. Because we're not open to possibilities.

And if there's a set-in-stone list, we never really get to know another person because we're always looking for which items on the list they have, or don't have. And this stops us from discovering what's NOT on our list ... in other people and in ourselves.

Does this make sense? It did to me. I used to be like that. I had decided how each and every aspect of my life would be ... so much so that I closed myself off to the possibility of discovery.

If you already know what you want, and that's that ... no exceptions ... you could exclude yourself from living life. Instead you'll be dreaming about the life you fantasize about instead of living your life to the fullest.

Like I said, it's just my humble opinion and in the overall scheme of things it means nothing. I'm just speaking from exerience. I've been there, where you are now. And it was lonely and I was sad.

I wouldn't want anyone else to feel what I did.

Bone said...

I don't think anything will ever work or be as amazing as it can be unless both people open themselves up. As long as one or both are holding back, something will be missing.

Yet to me, it gets more difficult to do that each time.

I think you're doing just fine. No one knows for sure exactly what's right.

Hope that you have a wonderful visit home.

Bill said...

No one's equipped to be in a relationship. I think if we were we would be bored to death. I believe we end up loving/hating one another because of how flawed we are.

My favourite moments with most people I've been close to have been the ones where either I or they have screwed up royally. (Yes, it's usually me.)

Loving the flaws and wanting those flaws to go away ... It's love's conundrum.

Kris said...

I long for this too, Sizz. I just know we'll both find it. It wouldn't be right if we sappy romantics didn't. :)

Bird said...


This is BEAUTIFULLY written I'll talk to you soon about the content (lots of food for thought there) but I just wanted to let you know write now that the writing is stunning and you are stunning and I love you to pieces.

Bird xoxo

Nihilistic said...

Don't forget to wave as you drive through SF!!!

Anthony S. said...

I don't know if I agree that practice makes perfect in the dating game; what if we tend to date the same losers that we shouldn't be attracted to, but still are? It's like making the same mistake over and over again, and never learning one's lesson; mind you, I am not saying that that is your situation, but if you feel unsure about your confidence and readiness, that may be a strong indication of giving yourself more alone time. Eagerness is not an attractive trait, I don't believe.

You are much too good, sweet and loving a person (who is lovely) to waste your time on practice. Just relax and take your time, but enjoy yourself first. We here at do.

Neil said...

I absolutely agree with Bill. No one is equipped to be in a relationship. That's the whole point in doing it.

Lynn said...

Hey, Sizzle! I read your post from Tuesday the 10th. I was very lonely in Seattle. Want to borrow my old 'centering place'? Now that it's chilly out, you might have the place nearly to yourself, if you're lucky. Bundle up and go to The Sound Garden in Magnuson Park on Sand Point Way N.E. It's in the northeast end of town near the Wedgwood neighborhood. Good luck and let me know what you think. Tell the old place I said hello, will you?