Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Putting the Cart Before the Horse

It's not like I am faking. I seriously felt feverish and fatigued and faint. All the troublesome F's that come with the beginning of the dreaded cold. The problem with those symptoms? No one can SEE them. So when you supervisor is walking around the office sneezing and blowing her nose, you kinda look like a hypochondriac.

But I really wasn't faking.

Today I get to work a 12 hour day. If my visibly sick boss has to work it, I sure as hell do with all my mysteriously invisible symptoms. When people asked me how I was yesterday, I told them that I felt a bit under the weather and joked that I was having sympathy sickness for my boss. But later when I was walking with my boss and we were talking about colds, she asked, "Are you a bit of a hypochondriac?" I replied that I didn't think so. It sure did look like that though. I'm not a faker. Sheesh, I don't even fake the Mighty O. If I was going to fake anything, it'd be that. ("... Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math." Thank you, Sally Albright.)

I realized that I do this whole "cart before the horse" thing ALL THE TIME. I over-anticipate the future and talk myself out of engaging in life/in relationships/in activities because in my mind, I've mapped out the danger zones. I can see clearly how it won't work out so I talk myself out of it. And I attempt in a sly, manipulative way, to talk anyone engaging with me out of it. For example: You like me? You think you want to be my boyfriend? Oh. That won't work out. You'll see my neurosis and my chub and eventually you'll think me not that funny or it will annoy you that I like to hide like a hermit sometimes. It won't last long. 6 months tops. Let's not bother.

Or, sometimes I try to have entire conversations about something I think is inevitable that hasn't even begun to germinate. My friend laughingly stopped me from going down that road yesterday while we were talking on the phone. "There you go again. Why are we talking about this when it hasn't even happened?" Sometimes boys are smarter than girls when it comes to just letting things lie. Not all the time, mind you, but definitely sometimes. There is a time and a place for talking about such things. I guess, like, when they "happen."

Novel concept. I'm going to have to practice that one. It doesn't come naturally.


alissa said...

I do the same thing! I always anticipate the worse before it happens. I think it's a self-preservation thing. If you're prepared for the worse, anything above that will please you.

I know you weren't faking it! I also think it's a standard to not stay home and get well unless you're dying at work. That's not how I operate though, at the first signs of sickness I stop what I'm doing and take care of myself. It makes more sense to me, if I stop the sickness in it's tracks and listen to my body, I recover more quickly and therefore am more use to my employer and commitments. Unfortunately this is not the norm.

Hope you're feeling better!

Mrs. Ca said...

I'm like that too. It's a hard thing to get over.

I hope you're not coming down with a cold, or that if you are it doesn't get any worse than what it is now and goes away quickly!

JustRun said...

"Sometimes boys are smarter than girls when it comes to just letting things lie."

So true, isn't it?

As far as getting sick goes, I would still be cautious too. No reason to get sick if you can't stave it off.

sue said...

Holy cow. I'm like that TOO! I credit it to an over-active imagination. I can visualize what's going to happen. I know, I know, there is supposed to be that whole "positive thinking" thing going around that you visualize the good stuff and it happens... well, it just doesn't work for me. Oh, I try to be positive, but I'm no Suzy Sunshine and it's easier for me to figure out why it's not going to happen. So sue me. Amazingly enough, I'm usually right! Ugh. That's just bad, isn't it? I'm probably jinxing myself. Yep...probably so. wow. Maybe I need to rethink this whole thing. See what you started? :)

Take care of yourself. I'm convinced that only WE know our own bodies best and if you feel "under the weather", then, by god, you ARE, damnit!

End of lecture.

BullysE said...

Yeah, I am beginning to do that, as well...that whole talking myself and maybe someone else out of wanting to be close to me, because I feel them leaving is inevitable. :-/ I think they call it life-experience tainting the waters of innocent hope.

It can take real bravery to reach out for a new experience or person, when you feel that fear threading upwards thru you. I think perhaps, you are sensing something possible in your future, ahead.:-) Can't wait to see what nice thing it is.
Think Positive, and get well soon!

Karl said...

I live in my head far too much. I do the same thing, visualize ahead and play things out before they even have a chance of happening. Lord knows how many opportunities I've passed up because I was sure they wouldn't work.

inky said...

Have you considered you are fatigued, a little feverish because you've been running yourself ragged ever since you moved there? Calm down. Relax. Unless it's the West Nile or the Mumps, I'd just take deep breaths, drink some hot tea and take along some tissues. ~ inky

Becky said...

I hear what you're saying about the other situations because you're attempting to predict how other people are going to behave, which is not always that accurate.

But I think that getting sick is a little different because it's something that happens to your body, and you're the only one that knows it well. And you also know that when you feel the symptoms coming on, you need to get the R&R fast or else you'll be sick for two weeks instead of two days. That's kind of rude of your boss to say that, though. I think our work society is to anal when it comes to taking sick days b/c then people that really are sick still feel guilty about calling in and then they get everyone else sick around them.

Neil said...

Sick, feverish, and worrying -- you really can multitask!

Melissa said...

You know, we play out scenarios in our minds to try and map out the pitfalls and bumps and the things that will end in disaster, only we talk ourselves out of all the fun too. Things happen, sometimes it hurts but sometimes it feels really, really good.

BE in the moment, you won't get that moment back.

Bone said...

I do that sometimes. I'm thinking six months down the road all the problems and issues we're probably going to have. So why even get into it? Good to know I'm not alone.

I had a similar sickness experience a few days ago, too. Someone asked how I was feeling and I said not too good and that I thought my sinuses were bothering me. Then another guy start coughing up a storm. So it was like, well I guess I should stop complaining because I obviously feel better than that guy.

Nihilistic said...

Is it just me, or is that kinda rude for your boss to ask you that?

DoubleB said...

Mmm... Mighty O... I love Seattle

Bill said...

Well I do that all the time - anticipate the oncoming disasters. But I blame that on Mom, who ALWAYS anticpated the worse. Dad, on the other hand, was more like, "So? What's the worst that could happen? Sounds like fun." Unfortunately I take after Mom.

On the other hand, when it comes to illness ... My boss, my co-workers - they are all out sick more than me because they actually try to work when they are ill. They only manage to be sick longer and ensure that everyone else gets what they've got.