Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Playing Catch Up

You totally missed me yesterday, didn't you? Come on now, you can admit it. It's just between you and me and the blogosphere.

I was out of my element yesterday. I woke up after a fitful sleep (where cats thought my bed (the pull out couch) was their jungle gym all night long) and wasn't able to put together anything of interest or merit. I put up a meme post but then took it down an hour later. My houseguests were up early and my whole routine was thrown out of whack. It's ok. I don't mean to complain. It was good to have slice of The Cruz for a night. I miss get togethers, making dinner and chatting the night away. I am still too new to find that comfort zone here.

After having impromptu guests, I've realized (even moreso) that I am too structured. I've always tried to tell myself that I am just a really good planner and that being organized is a good thing but. . . I am coming to terms with the fact that I am controlling. So much so that it could very well be limiting my ability to have fun. Where is my go-with-the-flow attitude? My enthusiasm for adventure? My openness to new experiences? I am really going to have to work on this. It's a trouble spot for me. Sure, maybe it's endearing/helpful to have this quality- especially for all my non-planner friends- they can look at me and go "Awww, there Sizzle goes again being her uber-planner self." Or they can say, "We don't have to stress about it, that's why we have Sizzle!"

I am kind of beating myself up. Can you tell?

I think the bottom line might very well be that I am uncomfortable with myself so I over-compensate. I don't want to look like a dork, a failure, a fat idiot so I stress myself out to make sure I have control over every aspect. Then I can fool everyone into thinking I am this together, happy, fun-loving girl when really I just feel less than average. Run of the mill. And too chubby to really matter.

Isn't it awful how we can be our own worst critics?

I need a guru.

13 comments:

JustRun said...

Okay, I am going to tell you something in hopes of giving you some perspective: You seem so fabulous to me that the thought of meeting you, a fellow but infinitely better blogger, intimidates the heck out of me. I would be so afraid that I would wear the wrong thing, look the wrong way or trip over myself and look like the moron that I sometimes believe I am.

This thought honestly ran through my head (I always imagine meeting other bloggers): "I am not sure I could meet Sizzle, with her prefect hair and stylish clothes and glowing skin. I mean, would I be fabulous enough?" Feel free to ignore this, as I'm not sure it's much help. But maybe just knowing that a fellow planner/over-analyzer thinks 1) similar thoughts and 2) that you're fabulously intimidating might make you feel a little better. And, maybe help you give yourself a break.

alissa said...

I think the planning side of you makes you even more fabulous, but you know I'm a sucker for some good planning :)

It is horrible that we are our own worse critics. It's good that you're uncovering the reasons behind your planning though. If you can face those fears and gain some perspective on why you do the things you do, you can take the first step in changing them.

Regardless, you matter me! I think you're the cat's meow :)

snackiepoo said...

Okay missy, I have never met you but see so much of myself in you or so much of you in myself at times....in any case, what *I* see in you is a vibrant and beautiful woman who is sassy, smart, very hot and DOES matter. I won't pretend that I never feel like you do about myself because I do some of the times...but that is when you grab a cup of ego, get dolled up, look at yourself and be all Stuart Smalley and shit....tell yourself that you are hot and worthy of so much.

Sometimes it is hard to feel like you are fun and spontaneous and glowing when you are the planner type; trust me, I am completely anal and plan everything and always hate how I feel but once I get cocktails in me and say fuck it, I feel better....uh, it is not about the booze, but learning how to loosen up without it.

Sorry to ramble...I thought maybe my verbal diarreah might help you see that we all have these moments and that you can be whoever you want to be and still be....say it with me now....SIZZLICIOUS!

Bob Merrick said...

Again, I share this with everyone...

http://sizzle.youaremighty.com/

gorillabuns said...

i missed you!

as for being so hard on yourself.... STOP IT!!!!! being structured is your thing, so love, live it and embrace it. most people are quite jealous they don't have this quality...

Karl said...

I agree with gorillabuns (and the others, too). I totally lack structure and envy you for having it. You're hawt. Now stop beating yourself up.

Nihilistic said...

You know, you always here people talk about how being uptight and structured is lame...being shy and quite is something to try to break free of...BLAH BLAH BLAH...If it makes you comfortable to plan things and have structure then by all means do what makes you feel better. We all wish we had more of what we lack...The structured want to be more go with the flow and the go with the flow people wish they were more organized...Your friends and family love you this way...Now you need to!

Amy said...

I used to play that game. The one where you mentioned where you are uncomfortable with yourself so you over-compensate. Yeah that's been me for about the last 8 years. This year I decided I didn't care anymore what people thought and now I'm just me. You either like me or you don't. Or you fit into that category where majority of folks are and simply misunderstand every single thing I do. You will find your place someday.

quietlife said...

Do not berate yourself for who you are. As others have noted, they would love to have your sense of order and planning.

I find it interesting. I've always thought I was rather "free-spirited" and I only liked things a "certain way" b/c I am an only child. Since I moved last year and it's really been just me, myself, and I, I've realized that yes, I am very particular and I'm not as free spirired as I thought I was. And that is OKAY!

Bre said...

Miss you? How could we not! I'm just going to add "Ditto" to what everyone else has commented, because it's too early in the workday for me to thik of anything else that's clever!

Becky said...

Though I don't know you in-person, something tells me that you're probably a little more spontaneous or adventurous than you realize. You picked up and moved to a new city, and most people I know won't do that.

And besides, it's the planners that make the world go round:)

Anthony S. said...

Where have you been?

Bone said...

Being organized is a good quality, but obviously the key is finding some balance. Have some moments of spontanaeity.

Did miss you yesterday, but I just figured you might have snapped ;-)