Thursday, July 20, 2006

I Could Use a Pep Talk

I'll be honest. I am not doing so hot.

I am pretty sure I am mildly depressed and I am definitely sure I need to whine about it briefly. I'm doing that thing where I am dismissing my feelings, dismissing myself. I have been here before and I hate it. I fall so easily into this well of feeling, I don't know how to get out. One negative thought turns into 10 negative thoughts and then I am paralyzed with fear and anger and loneliness. It gets bigger than it should and I can't see past it.

I'm even censoring myself right now, as I write this. "If I say that, they will think I want sympathy." I don't want sympathy, I just want to TELL someone who might not take it personally. It is hard being in a city where you only know a couple people, where you only know your way around a little bit, where you don't even know where to go buy paint. It is very difficult for me to not be working. I am too social of a person. I've gone on so many interviews now that I have begun to forget what I said to whom and which job is which. I've started to doubt my abilities, thinking: "Maybe I am not that good at what I do. Maybe I should just take something, anything and stop holding out for a dream."

What? Who is this person with these negative thoughts? I don't usually give up or give in that easily but without the comfort of my friends, without the familiarity of my "home"- I feel like I am floating without an anchor. I only have so much courage.

I guess I expected that some of my friends and I wouldn't talk as much after I moved. Sometimes people just aren't that great at keeping in touch. Life gets busy, yadda yadda. I'm usually really good at keeping in touch but with this depressed feeling, I've not wanted to burden anyone so I refrain from calling. Which then just further isolates me. Sometimes I feel angry and then I feel guilty for feeling angry. I think about how I am the one relatively alone here, in new surroundings, without a job to fill her days- could someone just call to say "hi" and that maybe they are thinking of me? Could I get an email, however brief, to tell me about their life? Where did they all go? When I am depressed like this, it is easy to believe I have been forgotten.

Can you play your little violin for me? Thanks. It seems appropriate right about now.

Waaaah, Waaaaaah. I annoy myself with such blathering. I just don't want to feel like this but I feel stuck. I needed to give voice to these feelings instead of just swallowing them. I know this feeling won't last forever. I'll get a job eventually. I'll make new friends someday. I won't feel like such a fat bore. I know I have the power to change this, if I can just lift all these heavy feelings off of me so I can actually move.

29 comments:

JustRun said...

Not that you want it, but my first reaction is to validate your feelings. From the "outside" that is my view, they seem completely normal (which I'm sure you know).

You had LOT of build up to this move. Seriously, it seemed like quite a bit of planning, strategizing, goodbyeing, partying and that, I think, is enough to put your mind in another place for a while. It sounds to me like part of the way you're feeling is because you're adjusting to normal again.

Or, like I said in another's blog yesterday, I don't know crap and I should just shut up and say good luck! :-)

Hang in, sister.

kapgar said...

Well, if it's any consolation, we are pulling for you. Now don't you go giving up hope on us. You're our beacon of sunshine and good hope and all that other brighy shiny jazz. If you give up, we're all doomed.

Lushy said...

This is the tail end of your transition. You are good at what you do and you will get a great job soon! As soon as your new normal kicks in, everything will start looking up. :)

*hugs*

sue said...

Okay, NO sympathy. I lied.
You have every right to feel this way. My god, girl, you have just been through a huge...I mean HUGE upheaval in your life and you are supposed to just go la-te-da and be happy as a clam? Hell no!! You are entitled to a little grief for your old life... you had it pretty good in SC, and you've just not found your "land legs" yet in Seattle. It's gonna happen, just not overnight. Yes, you'll find a job (I have no doubt on this one).

Your friends are probably feeling as strange about calling you, too, not wanting to cry about how much they miss you and making you feel badly...

Once you get a job and start learning your way around it will still take a little time... it's a process. You can do it, tho'. Nothing wrong with feeling a little blue about it all in the meantime, tho'. you ARE human... aren't ya?

Mrs. Ca said...

Oh, I've so been there. It's a hard thing to get out from under, but I know you'll do it. You seem like such a funny, outgoing person that I'm sure this will be forgotten in to time - it's just hard to see that now.

alissa said...

Don't dismiss your feelings, it's totally understandable! Just take it one moment at a time. And try not to be so hard on yourself :)

xoxoxo

Becky said...

It's a weird feeling that your friends just go on with or without you, isn't it? Vent away, and in a totally non-stalker way, I'm always up for grabbing coffee or something (though strangely, I know it's sometimes easier to vent on a blog than to a new person).

snackiepoo said...

I do not even think you are whining or being a negative person by making this post...first of all, you deserve to get your feelings out and if this is where you choose to do that, then so be it. Secondly, I have sat exactly where you are (different city, obviously) and made the exact same post so I know how it feels.

Shawn moved me here two and a half years ago and I actually suffered through a major depression; in fact I ended up going to the doctor and getting meds for it. I knew no one, had a job where I worked in an office with two men only and had nothing to look forward to, or so it felt like. It took awhile but now I have an active social roster, a great hairdresser, a bunch of good people to hang out with and although none of them will ever be my true "friends" like the ones back home....I actually don't feel the way I did when I first moved.

Do not fret; let yourself feel for now but then try to snap out of it and let yourself remember that when work comes and time passes, you too will be okay.

Mr_Rodacre said...

"That's the good part about depression... you get your rest."

...and really, that is a good thing. There was a great amount of build-up in your life up until moving - lots of things to do, people to bid farewell, a job to be frustrated at, and you had me to put up with.

There's bound to be some down time.

Some transition.

Some rest.

It is probably good that you have this time to yourself rather than have had a job to jump into immediately. I know you hadn't planned on quite this long of a hiatus, but take it for what it is: a gift.

The gift of the reset.

You're resetting your life, your home, your work. Get your rest now. Recharge. Because soon a few years will pass and you'll be wondering what hit ya. I know you know I'm right...

Solonor Rasreth said...

Feel better now? :)

Jenny said...

*this* is how i felt when i moved to SC...remember? and you supported me through it...i hope i can do the same (even from 900 miles away) :)

i know you are talented, smart, motivated and any company would be LUCKY to have you. the right job is coming...i can feel it :)

i miss you and love you.

Egan said...

Hey, want to grab a coffee some day? I would love to help you learn more about the city you now call home. Hang in there and best of luck on the job hunt.

Melissa said...

Sometimes the very best way out of depression is to just wallow in it for one whole day. Don't get out of the pajamas, don't do anything human, just whine to yourself, cry as much as you would like, entertain all of those thoughts of self doubt and inadequacy.

And then the next morning you wake up and shake it all off. The wallowing has been completely done - like a pro no less. You've accepted that things aren't exactly what you thought they would be and are ready to embrace them for what they are.

And if all else fails, try chocolate, booze, sex or call a new friend. I'm always around.

Amanda said...

Ah..I think anyone that is searching for a job, with a major move goes through this. Trust me on that one! Transitioning is tough!!
*hugs*

Bre said...

sometimes you just need to wallow. Yesterday I sobbed in the shower, today I'm having an absolutely fantastic day (I'm blaming hormones, mostly). I was unhappy for a long time until I let myself get it out of my system. It's ok to not be 100% happy as long as you make yourself take a step towards getting there!

Karl said...

Geez, how can you be depressed when you have tits popping out of your shirt all the time? I don't get it. ;)

Seriously, as others have already said, big transition to a new state...absolutely normal to be a bit depressed. I have no doubt you'll be working again in no time and all will be right with the world. You're "That Girl" for the new generation.

question girl said...

Sometimes I feel angry and then I feel guilty for feeling angry

i TOTALLY understand.... and my friends are all w/in 10 miles of me

Nigel Vossap said...

Sizzle, I'll give you the same advice I have taken up for myself and given to others. Write an "anchor" list of things you like in your life from a family member or friend to a pet, the smell of a certain flower, bubble baths, et al. Copy the list a few times. Leave on at your workplace, one at home and keep one in your purse. When you feel like crap, turn to your "anchor" list for some solace.

Nigel Vossap said...

BTW, Ray LaMontagne rules. I am going to see him with "Guster" in a few weeks... should be awesome.

Rabbit said...

Sizz, I'm sure it's a difficult transition and that you'll have your share of uncertain, unhappy, mopey days, but your bravery and perseverance still inspire us.

I'm the kind of person that needs to do everything by taking baby steps . . . with spotters . . . holding my hands. Then I read about you moving to a new city, getting a new place, looking for a new job and think, "Damn, she's my hero."

amy said...

First of all.... you just moved there. Give it time. Jeesh. Relax. You said you were financially set thru August. Of course you know no one but your family and a few others. You just moved to a brand new city silly. Jeesh. Relax. And who finds their perfect gig when once again moving to a new city right away? Cry. Get it out of your system. Have a 24 hour pity party and then when you wake up. Relax. Remember you did just move from one whole state to a completely different state!!!! Jeesh.

Nihilistic said...

Friend,

You are feeling the most normal thing right now. I went through it two years ago myself. I moved to where I wanted to and close to family and yet never felt more alone. Going through the move was stressful and chaotic. The trip out was chaotic and the few weeks I was first there as I drove all around visiting all my family was chaotic. Then all of a sudden it isn't choatic and you don't know what to do. You don't have work to go to. Your family is "used" to you there now so its not a novelty anymore. They go back to their lives and jobs which now include you, but you are the one with all the time to sit and ponder. Its a lonely time. You are going through an adjustment and it will take time. This slow, depressing time IS necessary even though it hurts. You need to have some down time. Your body and your mind need a break from chaos and if they don't get it, they will make you take it. That's what this is. I won't say enjoy it, because you won't and can't. But there is the other side and you are coming up to it! I feel for you...I really do. I know how you feel and its so hard! I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best!

Bone said...

Not sure what to say, Ms. Sizzle. Just echo others' thoughts that what you're feeling is understandable and normal.

I feel isolated sometimes and I've lived around here forever. To have six billion people in it, the world can be a lonesome place sometimes.

How plausible is a road trip for you? Even a short one. Or try doing a good deed for someone. It sounds corny, but that always cheers me up when I'm down.

And if that doesn't work, listen to some Gloria Estefan.

Sizzle said...

Hi Ms Sizzle.

Some time ago I found your blog. It felt weird just to post a comment even more so because we use the same nickname, are the same age and astrologigal Sign.

I guess this is the time for me to come forward.

Sizz you are a very strong woman. I know that from reading your blog. Give those negative feelings a kick in the ass.
I´m sure that finding a job is not far ahead. Just look at all the very positive interviews. Just hang in there.

I hope I did not make to many mistakes since I did not write in English for the past 4 months.

Good luck from a Dutch Sizzle

Margaret said...

What kind of freak would you be if you never got depressed or angry when life is hard? Keep listening to the all knowing gut.

Will said...

Hi Siz! Sorry to hear that you are down!

I hope things cheer up soon!

xoxoxoo

Rosie said...

I felt EXACTLY the same way when I moved to Denver. I was living by myself in an apartment in the city (a first for me) and I was unemployed for 3 months. It was very lonely and depressing.....

AND THEN I
...got a job!
...met people!
...and got back to my old self!

Still in Denver and loving it!!!!!

Dave2 said...

That's it! Time for a Seattle Blogger Meet-up!!

SJ said...

This sounds exactly like me four months ago. Moving from Southern california to semi-rural Georgia was one of the most traumatic things I've experienced. I was absolutely miserable. It's some better now (except for the lack of a job), but I still get so homesick some days.

All you can do is take it hour by hour. Think about what comforts you, and keep it close by. And call your friends in SC. They may be holding back on calling you because they don't want to make you feel worse.

Above all, allow yourself plenty of time to adjust to this huge change in your life.