Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Cope

Is anyone else tired of me talking about good-bye? I sure as hell am. It's dragging and I am feeling like I need to numb out.

Coping mechanisms are fascinating though. How a person deals with stress or heartbreak or grief. Over-eat or starve? Isolate or keep monumentally busy? Push the feelings down or deeply investigate every nuance? I'm all over the map, people. For the most part I think I am coping alright. I cry when I feel like crying. I keep busy with the list of tasks required of me to get from Santa Cruz to Seattle. It is like my ability to be efficient and mulitask has taken speed. Even sitting at the diner waiting for breakfast, I couldn't help but hastily re-organize the tea selection basket. In record time, I might add.

So yesterday was my final day of working though today is the actual final time I see my friends/ex-coworkers. We are having a send off party though I wonder how much of a party it is when 5 of your friends/co-workers have been laid off and their last days are also this week? Yeah. Not so much. It's bittersweet. Or I am just bitter. I left work yesterday in an angry cloud, crying frustrated tears. Why do the powers that be not respect me? How come none of them have ever said thank you to me and meant it? And most importantly, why the fuck do I care?

I don't want to hold onto those feelings. Those feelings are about inadequacy, failure, guilt, and anger. I want to let it go. I want to remember the good I did there and the people whose lives I touched. I don't want to get down on myself. I want to walk away knowing I DID make a difference and someone noticed. Don't we all ultimately want to matter? Maybe I am trying to matter to the wrong people.

If I don't get to comment on your blogs for the next week, please know I am not gone for good. And I am thinking of you. And thank you for caring. Your support through this process really has been invaluable.

16 comments:

Kris said...

You must be so exhausted. I went through a pretty similar situation recently and couldn't have anticipated just how emotionally taxing all of it would be.

I do think those negative feelings will eventually fade - it may take some time, but I don't think those are destined to stay with you forever.

Chin up and lots of sunshine to you, kiddo.

Mikey said...

If you need validation, just look at me!!1

Alison said...

What Kris said. All of it.

JustRun said...

You must be exhausted. There's no way to go from extreme to extreme without it taking it's toll on you. I think all the feelings you have are normal. And, once you get away from that job and the negative people, it will be much easier to just look back on the good times.

alissa said...

Take care of yourself and have a safe trip. Tell that Dumpling to take extra good care of you!

Lushy said...

You matter more than you know.

Melissa said...

The people who manage you at work almost never know exactly what it takes for you to get the job done, but the results of you getting the job done are where the thanks lie. The money that was raised, people that were provided for, volunteers that had direction for their efforts.

Just remember, you're amazing.

sue said...

You can only do so much. As much as you think you are superwoman, as much as you feel you are invincible, as much as you try to to carry out the world on your shoulders... well, hon...you are actually *gasp* human. You have touched more peoples' lives in your time in Santa Cruz than you will ever know. I don't live there. I don't work there. I don't know the people you come in contact with. Somehow, I know YOU. You have made a huge difference, whether the "Powers that Be" choose to recognize that or not. You shouldn't be too discouraged by the people who haven't acknowladged you leaving... sometimes it just hurts too much. Some of them probably just can't bring themselves to realize you won't be in their lives anymore on a day-to-day basis until you've gone. Then, that big gaping, sucking sound will the the space you've left behind. The cold chill will be from all the warmth you've taken with you in your aura of love and light. Those who have been lucky enough to love you will always have you. Those who you have yet to meet have no clue what they are in for.

Blessings on your new life... fill it with joy and love and laughter... those things you are so good at. Share yourselves with your new community. Find a freshness that's been missing and a new chapter to that which is "Sizzle".

Oh...and don't forget to stop by and tell us allll about it!

amy said...

Change is good you know. For everyone. You will be missed but think of all the new friends. New adventures. New blogging material you will have in the next few months.

sandra said...

We heart you, Sizz -- and the reason the powers that be haven't shown the appreciation is simple: you rock, and they're fuckwits.

Bill said...

It's been so long since I made a move like this I don't recall clearly what it was like. But you may need to go into a guy, Clint Eastwood mode for a while. The goodbyes are important but at the same time you don't want to set yourself up for sadness when you move - you know, missing everything and thinking how much better everything is "back there." I've seen lots of people do that and they end up ruining the experience of a new place.

But everyone's different so what do I know? I just remember being excited, and scared, by the adventure of it all.

Amanda said...

Hey,
Thinking of you and know that many people are cheering for you. Things will settle down and you will find more happiness than you ever expect. :)

Gary said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel appreciated. I hope when you find a new job, you investigate to find out whether the employees are appreciated. And don't just take the word of whomever is hiring you. I have seen companies give a good song and dance in interviews. You deserve the best in your life.
Go for it. :)

Buffy said...

I'm working on a whole new set of coping mechanisms.

Mine have failed in the past.

Brad said...

The only thing worthy I can add is to share what I tell my wife (a high school teacher) all of the time. The ones that REALLY appreciate you, and all that you do, are much too shy to tell you about it. They may not even realize how much good you've done for them until you're gone. They certainly can't find the words for it. The ones that didn't appreciate you (because they hate too many things to know what's good), are the ones who vocalize it the most.

Take heed that you have done great things for that community and those people. They can't all share it with you the way they would like, but rest assured, they appreciate you greatly, and you will be sorely missed.

Margaret said...

Brad makes a good point, about being appreciated in ways you'll never know.