Monday, June 12, 2006

Comfortably Numb?

19 days until I move.
7.5 days left of work.
13 days until my good-bye party.

Everything is measured in numbers now. The cost of housing. The total of deposit + first month's rent + pet deposit = a sum I can afford. Years worked at past jobs for my resume. Number of jobs applied for. Amount of money earned at garage sale. The remaining hours left to train the new hires. The number of projects that just won't get done.

Sometimes I feel very at peace with the whole thing. I'm in the Zen Zone. Sure, I don't have a place to live. Sure, I don't have a job lined up. And I feel totally ok with it because I trust it is all going to work out. . . because it is supposed to.

Yesterday, at my sister and brother-in-law's baby shower, I saw a lot of my relatives and I was asked repeatedly "So, are you ready for the big move?" My answer was "yes" without too many qualifiers. And for me- an answer without too many qualifiers signifies something big. Something has shifted or I have gone comfortably numb. You know like when things get to be too much one defense mechanism the brain/heart can employ is the shutting down technique? But then I cried a bit on my drive home last night after getting off the phone with Dumpling when I thought about how much I am going to miss him. So maybe I am not completely numb? Or maybe I am just actually ready to do this? The boxes are starting to take over my house. The furniture is being sold off piece by piece. I've hit that space where my thinking is all about lightening my load. I ask myself, "Do I want to carry that with me to my new life?"

Very often the answer is no.

And that goes for emotional baggage, not just material objects. That goes for outmoded ways of thinking or old patterns that just don't serve me . . . I don't want to hide anymore. I want to be healthy and free and happy. I'm banking on a change of scenery to wake up the courage dormant inside of me. I know a move isn't a cure all but it is a start.


kapgar said...

It's time to sever the ties. It may hurt now, but you'll be better for it in the long run.

Bre said...

The emotional baggage is usually harder to cut out, but in the long run it's better to leave it behind!

JustRun said...

Coping mechanism, maybe?

I think you've got a good start. Sometimes I think the few moments of clarity are almost worth all the moments of confusion.

Amanda said...

Thinking 'bout ya! It will be ok and all will turn out better than expected whether it be in learning or action. You have much support from afar! :)

Mr_Rodacre said...

I'm going to miss you too... a lot...

sandra said...

It'll all come together, because it has to. And you will be amazing and courageous and make a wonderful life for yourself. I know you will -- and I'm never wrong. ;-)

Nihilistic said...

If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?

alissa said...

First off - your blog hates me right now for some reason. I've tried leaving 3 comments and it times out! Oy.

Second - I'm so glad you are sharing this process with all of us. You are healthy and are challenging yourself everyday. I'm so excited to read about all of the wonderful things this new move will hold for you.

Does Dumpling like Seattle? It seems like he should go with you :)