Monday, June 19, 2006

Be A Brave Little Toaster

When I think about how little time I have left in Santa Cruz, I get very anxious. I've been in Seattle for 5 days and I keep thinking,"Will this ever feel like home?" It's too soon to tell. Once I pack up my house, hug my friends good-bye, make the drive up north and try to set up my new home- maybe then? Or once I get a job and have a new routine to follow. Aaack! Change is so scary.

Being brave is my current theme. Even at the MAC counter yesterday the lipstick I tried on was called "Brave." The signs are all around me. But sometimes I just want to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out. I've always carried other people's sorrow deep within me even though it isn't my burden. From a young age with my relationship with my father, I learned how to take the feelings of others deep in my heart. Maybe you can care to much? I keep worrying about all the people I am leaving behind. Not that they can't get by without me- they most definitely can- but that they will feel I abandoned them.

Does choosing yourself ever get easy? Or will I always fret and feel guilty?

When I return to California tomorrow, hopefully with a new apartment to call home and the possibility of temp work in July, that's when time will speed up. I'll have a little over a week to wrap things up at work, pack, clean, party, one last hug, one last laugh, one last . . .

I'm risking a lot by uprooting my life. Here's to hoping it's the right choice.
****************
Update: I got the apartment! Woo hoo! And I am coming home a day early. Woo hoo!

15 comments:

Girl From Ipanema said...

You are a very couragous woman, and I'm truely inspired by what you're doing with your life. It may seem odd, but I'd *much* rather be in your shoes right now-shaking life up a bit...keep being brave!!!

Mrs. Ca said...

It is very brave to do what you're doing. Good for you for changing things up, because even though it's hard it will probably be good for you. And your friends are always just an email or phone car or long car ride away.

JustRun said...

I'm not sure who said this, but it's good:
“The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it.”
Way to go out to meet it!

Bre said...

In the short run, no... it's not easy. But looking back from a long distance it's absolutely right!

Valerie said...

I only wish that I too could have experienced these feelings you are now experiencing when I wanted so badly to move to England. I guess, in a sense, I'm going through these same things...except I'm not actually physically moving. I'm saying goodbye to one "life" and taking on a whole new one. Amazing how we're always connected on some level.
I admire you now more than ever. And I am so proud of you. Watching you grow and change over the past year has been a wonderful gift that you have given me!
I'm thrilled that you found an apartment...can't wait for the pictures.
Once you're settled, pop in a CD a cool friend gave you...ehem... and dance, dance, dance...naked if you'd like...THEN maybe it'll feel like home.
Love you, Siz!
~Valerie

sandra said...

It is the right choice. Why? Because you'd wonder forever if you didn't try it -- and you can always go back to SC if it never feels like home (that line about never being able to go home again is bullshit). Also, it really will feel like home at some point. Your sister is there, you'll meet fabulous people...and one day, when you've run into someone you know in the coffee shop and picked up food at your favorite store, you'll think, "I'm really settled in here"...and life will be good.

Gary said...

Looks like things are breaking right for you. Enjoy.

Claire said...

Congrats on the apartment! Sounds very cool.

Merideth said...

I hope I'm not being too nosy...but I've been reading your blog for a little bit now and I HAVE gone back through your posts to find the answer to this question and didn't find it...

And you don't (of course) have to answer this, but I'm curious ... WHY are you uprooting your entire life and moving to another State?

I think it's great, everyone needs to shake up their life beyond recognition ... I did it myself moving from the East to the West coast ... but I was just wondering what pushed you into this monumentous decision???

I think you have the coolest friends and family. You seem to be a great person, full of life and energy, caring, compassionate, passionate, and so many other adjectives. Your friends will surely miss your presence.

And, even though I don't know you, I can tell by what you write and what I've seen in your face in your photos, that no matter what you do, you will succeed.

Congrats on the new place too!

Bone said...

Congrats on the apartment!

And those that truly love and care about you only want the best for you, and for you to be happy.

Sizzle said...

to answer merideth- a big reason i am moving is to be near my sister and brother-in-law and my soon-to-be-born nephew (aug. 15th!) and my best friend. but also, i have felt like i have outgrown this town for some time. got to try something new, maybe be a small fish in a big pond rather than vice versa. :)

thanks for reading and for commenting!

gorillabuns said...

it will be so nice to be near your sister and your little nephew.

your new place looks cute!

new adventures await!!!

Anonymous said...

It's that moment that we first feel truly alone that we are truly free.
It's that moment when we know who we are.

Kerry said...

Change is very scarey but can be really exciting at the same time. The 'unknown' is what bothers me the most. When I get out of my secure zone, I get scared and nervous and all those emotions rolled into one. I moved here two months ago and i'm just now getting settled in. I wish you the best!

Sarcomical said...

i'm so excited to live vicariously through your adventures in your new hometown. JEALOUS! you can do it. YOU CAN. ;)