Monday, May 01, 2006

Shit is the tofu of cursing*

I am the worst kind of control freak. Imagine, if you will, the worst kind of control freak as a passenger in your car. And as said passenger, am appointed navigator to intended destination. And as the worst kind of control freak navigating in the passenger seat of your car, it becomes glaringly obvious that I have no sense of direction.

<---- You see me here? Looking smug (and fancy) as we embark on our drive over Highway 17 to meet up with friends for Thai food and then the amazingly brilliant and humorous David Sedaris. Do I look like a woman who lacks navigation skills? Oh no. Indeed, I look quite cocky. And the poor, unsuspecting travel companions are none the wiser as they stare off in the distance, chat on their cell phone or try to cop a feel (whaaa?).

We were already behind schedule as we made our way into Cupertino. With directions in hand, I still managed to get us turned the wrong way on the wrong street. After a few u-turns and one pleading cell phone call, Dumpling got us to the correct location and we had just enough time to gorge ourselves on Pad Thai, Panang Curry and Thom Ku. It was right around the time I took my final bite that I began to feel as though my throat was quite dry. I drank more water and still, the feeling persisted to the point where I tried to stave off panic because it did actually feel as though my throat was closing up. This is an unpleasant feeling. Even moreso when you are needing to hurry the hell up to get to the theater in time. I wondered aloud to Dumpling if maybe, quite possibly, I was experiencing some sort of allergic reaction. I excused myself to get some fresh air to walk it off. When the first burp came it was then that I realized that I had a touch of gas. Oh silly me and my almost panic attack. Buuuurp! Oh, excuse ME!

Back in the car, racing to get to the theater in ten minutes, I (again) turn us onto the wrong street where we drive countless blocks in one direction only to turn around and drive more countless blocks in the opposite direction. Everything in Cupertino looks the same! Strip malls and fast food joints. Good God Cupertino! Get some personality. A little originality. Help a girl out. It was then that Mike piped up from the backseat setting us on the correct course and I, the worst kind of control freak navigator, sheepishly admitted my lack of skill in this department (uh, duh Sizzle... it is painfully obvious). When Mike can name the street and get us to the theater, the world is spinning off its axis. (I say this with love Mike as we all know you don't retain street names and only know places by site markers. It's endearing!) You'd think that I would have been the one in the know as I went to school at De Anza in Cupertino for three years. I still stand by my reasoning as to why I suck at navigating my way around Silicon Valley: After 12 years away, I have rightly parted with all San Jose-related information which includes directions. I had to make room for other, more important things.

Sedaris was, as he always is, thoroughly entertaining with the most excellent delivery. Two hours flew by as we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. If he comes to your town, buy a ticket! It is worth every penny. It is worth getting lost and having to suck it up that you are a bad navigator. It is worth scarfing down Thai food and almost setting off a panic attack when really all you needed to do was burp. It is worth paying the exorbitant $10 parking fee.

***************
Five Things!

1. I find the humor in life.
2. I give people the benefit of the doubt.
3. I am loyal.
4. I can kick ass. (Seriously. I am a certified self-defense instructor.)
5. I am comfortable with public speaking.

*This title would make a lot more sense if you had heard him speak. And you would be laughing as you read it, remembering the story it belongs in.

14 comments:

sandra said...

Sizz, I want to hug you. I, too, have NO sense of direction. I actually got lost on my way home from dinner last night. Less than a mile from my house. It was really rather impressive.

JustRun said...

I'm bad with directions, too. I need a map to get from the driveway to the house. :-) I'm getting better though, or at least telling myself I am.

Mikey said...

LOL is all I have to say

kapgar said...

I find it funny that a guy like Sedaris who loathes computers as much as he does would do a show in Cupertino... in the heart of Silicon Valley and home of Apple Computers. Funny.

See, you need to go with me. I'm great at directions. And with me driving and Katie navigating, you'd be golden.

Bob Merrick said...

Oh the endless navigationally challeneged stores of yesteryear and you that I could share at this moment... good thing I am so evolved and mature! :-)

xo

Claire said...

I'm glad you made it to the show despite the directional mishaps.

Also, #s 4 and 5- both very cool.

Bre said...

I read the title of this and laughed out loud (causing funny looks from the people in my office) and then remembered to be jealous because you were seeing Sedaris and I wasn't.

I am the complete opposite of you - I am too good of a navigator. I take it too seriously, and often zone out of conversations because I am looking for a street sign and mapping things out in my head... the grass isn't always greener! :)

Jacynth said...

I heart David Sedaris...I have his autograph and he told me I had a fucked up name. He will always be a silver lining to a getting lost cloud!

Nihilistic said...

You know, I actually enjoy public speaking...I find it kind of amusing how my voice always goes a bit deeper all on its own when I do though....

snackiepoo said...

I am so glad you finally got there and had a good time as well. I really should go see David one day as I love his books.

Okay the 17 scares the shit out of me, so I refuse to be a passenger on that highway. I made my husband sit in the passenger seat when we flew in to SD for my sister's wedding in Capitola.

Gary said...

I remember driving 17 in heavy traffic in heavy FOG. Talk about scary...

Nice post. You really do try to see the humor in things. I like that.

gorillabuns said...

i'm so jealous. i love sedaris. i'm discovered him about 8 years ago with short stories. i wish i had been there to catch him. i somehow doubt he'll blow through oklahoma.

alissa said...

I'm so glad that your (almost) panic attack didn't ruin the night! Sounds like you had a blast.

Alison said...

David Sedaris cracks me up. I've read his books and listened to his CDs. Seeing him perform live would make my life complete.