Shit is the tofu of cursing*

I am the worst kind of control freak. Imagine, if you will, the worst kind of control freak as a passenger in your car. And as said passenger, am appointed navigator to intended destination. And as the worst kind of control freak navigating in the passenger seat of your car, it becomes glaringly obvious that I have no sense of direction.

<---- You see me here? Looking smug (and fancy) as we embark on our drive over Highway 17 to meet up with friends for Thai food and then the amazingly brilliant and humorous David Sedaris. Do I look like a woman who lacks navigation skills? Oh no. Indeed, I look quite cocky. And the poor, unsuspecting travel companions are none the wiser as they stare off in the distance, chat on their cell phone or try to cop a feel (whaaa?).

We were already behind schedule as we made our way into Cupertino. With directions in hand, I still managed to get us turned the wrong way on the wrong street. After a few u-turns and one pleading cell phone call, Dumpling got us to the correct location and we had just enough time to gorge ourselves on Pad Thai, Panang Curry and Thom Ku. It was right around the time I took my final bite that I began to feel as though my throat was quite dry. I drank more water and still, the feeling persisted to the point where I tried to stave off panic because it did actually feel as though my throat was closing up. This is an unpleasant feeling. Even moreso when you are needing to hurry the hell up to get to the theater in time. I wondered aloud to Dumpling if maybe, quite possibly, I was experiencing some sort of allergic reaction. I excused myself to get some fresh air to walk it off. When the first burp came it was then that I realized that I had a touch of gas. Oh silly me and my almost panic attack. Buuuurp! Oh, excuse ME!

Back in the car, racing to get to the theater in ten minutes, I (again) turn us onto the wrong street where we drive countless blocks in one direction only to turn around and drive more countless blocks in the opposite direction. Everything in Cupertino looks the same! Strip malls and fast food joints. Good God Cupertino! Get some personality. A little originality. Help a girl out. It was then that Mike piped up from the backseat setting us on the correct course and I, the worst kind of control freak navigator, sheepishly admitted my lack of skill in this department (uh, duh Sizzle... it is painfully obvious). When Mike can name the street and get us to the theater, the world is spinning off its axis. (I say this with love Mike as we all know you don't retain street names and only know places by site markers. It's endearing!) You'd think that I would have been the one in the know as I went to school at De Anza in Cupertino for three years. I still stand by my reasoning as to why I suck at navigating my way around Silicon Valley: After 12 years away, I have rightly parted with all San Jose-related information which includes directions. I had to make room for other, more important things.

Sedaris was, as he always is, thoroughly entertaining with the most excellent delivery. Two hours flew by as we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. If he comes to your town, buy a ticket! It is worth every penny. It is worth getting lost and having to suck it up that you are a bad navigator. It is worth scarfing down Thai food and almost setting off a panic attack when really all you needed to do was burp. It is worth paying the exorbitant $10 parking fee.

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Five Things!

1. I find the humor in life.
2. I give people the benefit of the doubt.
3. I am loyal.
4. I can kick ass. (Seriously. I am a certified self-defense instructor.)
5. I am comfortable with public speaking.

*This title would make a lot more sense if you had heard him speak. And you would be laughing as you read it, remembering the story it belongs in.