Thursday, April 20, 2006

Chubbette

Hi. This is Sizzle's stomach. I have taken over writing Sizzle's blog today. She is lost in consumed thought over her over-indulgence of sweets this last week. She gets like this occasionally.

Since she was a kid, she's given me too much attention. Let's not mince words- she's obsessed with me. I remember her exercising and dieting at the very young age of 9, trying to rid herself of any chub. I guess learning that "chubby" meant "fat" was a big blow for her. She thought it was a term of endearment- that's why she named her first doll Chubby. When she was 11 or 12 she used to work out in her room for hours. She liked to dance. It made her happy. In the privacy of her room, she could forget for a few moments that she was embarrassed about her body.

This has been going on her whole life, you see.

In high school, she wasted precious hours, days, years comparing herself to other girls. She never felt good enough. It wasn't about her good grades or her popularity or her acting ability. She was fat. It chumped everything. Years after graduation, her best friend Hillz and she were looking at old yearbooks and it occurred to them that they had indeed not been very heavy at all and then felt even worse. What a waste of time feeling less than. You can't get that time back.

But now here we are, two days after her 33 birthday, and she is back to being 13. Ahem!

I hear her tell people all the time that you have to accept yourself and not rely on other people to define who you are. She talks a good game this one. She hasn't done this for herself, particularly when it comes to me. Sure, people have said mean things to her over the years- a few strangers but mostly people who feigned to love her. Like that asshole she dated for a few months who said that his friends look down on him because he dates her (meaning: because she was heavy). Or like that other jerkoff who worried about what he would say if, by chance, some other jerkoff were to ask him about her weight. So, not only has she never felt 100% good enough because she is heavy, that fact has been reinforced by outside influences time and time again. It's quite sad but I like the attention. I never get lonely you see.

Even when she lost a bunch of weight in college, when people thought she might be depressed or have some sort of eating disorder (she had neither, just a stupid ex-boyfriend she wanted to get over), she was never satisfied. Instead of enjoying her new-found thinness, she worried all the time she would gain the weight back. Lots of men hit on her as a thin girl and she had no idea what to do with that- should she feel flattered or angry? Where were these men when she was heavier? She was still the same girl inside. Years passed and she gained the weight back. Men still hit on her but its feels safer this way, hiding behind the layers of chub.

I think she is really sick of thinking about me. She has a lot of stuff she'd rather think about- like her move to Seattle, how she's going to leave her friends, finding a cute apartment, American Idol, what she's going to do this weekend, world peace, falling in love, etc. She's using me as a crutch again. I don't really want to point out to her that she has already been doing a great job of getting healthy. If I remind her, she might give me up altogether. Then where will I be!?

Hmmm, I feel hungry. I wonder if there is any Easter candy left...

Sincerely,
Sizzle's Chubby Stomach

22 comments:

Mrs. Ca said...

The thing about not being the perfect size, shape, whatever, is that you know the people who like you like you for you and not because you've reached some insane ideal. When I as way too thin I got all kinds of attention, but none of it was sincere. Plus, I would hate life without the joy that good food brings me. People who use weight as an excuse not to like you are just too lazy to get to know the real you, so they don't deserve to be liked in return.

kapgar said...

13 going on 33, eh? Or, actually, 33 going on 13 as the case may be.

Don't worry, our tummies are in cahoots. I ws on a diet around age 10 as well. Not a good thing admittedly. But weight is something I've always struggled with.

You named one of your dolls the same as the homicidal bastard from Child's Play? "I'll be your friend til the end!"

Oh wait... that was Chucky. My bad.

sandra said...

Sizz, I hear ya! Body-related insecurities are both awful and a very useful crutch, and stripping all of that away is scary.

jeopardygirl said...

I was a skinny kid--I mean, a TINY, little, petite thing--until I started to fill out in the 9th grade. Almost overnight, I had (as my mother described) "linebacker shoulders" and "child-bearing hips." Man, does that mess with your self-image! I'm still recovering.

But you know what? I have killer legs (they'd have to be, to hold the rest of me up), and beautiful eyes, lovely hair and a nice smile. And more than that, people who know me LIKE me. Sound familiar?

I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together.

Melissa said...

Remember that list I did not long ago telling the little girl me all the things that would help her out as she grew up? Well, the one I left off, and it was likely the most important one, was that if she learned to love herself just exactly as she was, everyone else would too.

It's good to be a work in progress.

JustRun said...

I understand. My criticism of my body is one of my least favorite but most encompassing passtimes. It's sad the time I've lost over it really.
The way I try to think about it now is that my body can't be different than anything else in the world, always changing. I'm sure I'm always going to go through some kind of progression with my thighs and my butt and the ever-persistent tummy.
I guess I don't yet know what it means to "accept your body as it is" so I found another way to cope with it by just accepting change and transformation. Whatever direction it may be today. :)

Bre said...

I don't know of anyone who doesn't hate their body at some point. I was a cheerleader in high school. I was nasty, bitchy, and I ran with that popular crowd. I hated my body. I hated my thighs, I hated my belly, I hated my arms. When my knee went out in college I put on weight quickly and I'm still fighting to get back down to where I'm really happy with myself. No one is happy with themselves... but very few of us are brave enough to talk about it! You're very inspirational, Sizz.

sue said...

Oh, dear. First, I apologize proFUSELY for not stopping by on your birthday. I was so excited for it, and working up to it, then was sick that day and never got online. Happy Birthday, darlin', from the bottom of my heart...

Your friend Chubby? Well, I can so relate. I was very tall and extremely thin the whole time I was growing up - until I got pregnant. Even then, it didn't really 'catch up' to me until I had my second child, then it just got worse. After all the things that happened to me when I was skinny, I, too, hide in my extra layers of security. When I lose weight and start getting attention it begins to cause me to be anxious and anxiousness leads to - you guessed it - eating! Whoa! What a concept.

Just remember, Siz... you are still very young. (Yes, you are.) You have a lot of time to be healthy and happy. Just take it day at a time. It doesn't mean you are ever going to be "skinny-minnie", but h e a l t h y. That is the key.

Hang in there, 33 is going to be a great year.

alissa said...

Such a good post! I can totally relate. I was super thin after a relationship ended for me a few years ago. I got lots of attention, and dated a lot, but all the wrong guys. Ironic that I gained all of that weight back and then met the love of my life? I don't think so.

You're gorgeous Sizz, don't forget it. Be happy, be healthy and just keep being your fabulous self.

xoxo

Lizzie said...

Dear Sizzle's stomach,

Please pass on to Sizz how wonderful and beautiful she is! And thank you for writing this post because I can relate all too well to it and it's always good to hear I'm not the only one with silly insecurities taking up way too much of my time.

-Lizzie

ocg said...

I was following you, dear stomach, until you listed the worry of American Idol over World Peace... but to each their own.

:)

Miss Tummy, may I call you that? It is no secret that I find Miss. Sizz to be among the fairest of them all. Sizz is gorgeous inside and out... and Miss. Tummy, that includes YOU!

One bad weekend, month, year, childhood can not be used to define who you are. Please remind Miss Siss that she is not you, you are merely part of the many fantastic things that make her up, including all of these past experiences.

Sizz, if I could wish anything for you it's supreme happiness... and if I have anything to do with it, I will try all of my power to ensure that you find it. In being just who you are today. You need nothing more than that, just realizing how truly amazing the woman looking back at you in the mirror is.

I see it clearly, and I am much further away.

Claire said...

It is much easier to talk a good game when you're not applying it to yourself.

I'm on the thin side of the spectrum, but I'm still self-conscious about my body. And the more I think about it, the more clear it is that it's a result of other issues I'd prefer to ignore. Argh.

Here's to progress though, even if it's slow.

Rosie said...

Hi Sizzle's Stomach,

At least you get candy.

My owner doesn't like anything remotely sweet so I guess you could say I am both deprived AND fat.

I do get beer. And lots of cheese.

xoxo,
Rosie's Chubby Stomach

inkmeister said...

...welcome to my mind as an adult -- however i was a thin kid up until i hit puberty and even then looking back, i was not big. but thankfully now i live in denial so that makes me feel so much better.

Bill said...

If your stomach didn't care for food and you were skinny you would still hate the way you look. You could be perfect and your eyes would be too blue, breasts too large (or small), legs too long or short ... we're designed to dislike the way we look. The media tells us that constantly: "You're not good enough."

Although we're also told to hate getting older, one thing I really like about getting older is I no longer give a shit. Am I too skinny for you? Too fat for you? Well, fuck you. I actually get a laugh out of watching TV sometimes because no one looks like a real person.

Some people talk about how good Oprah looks these days. Well, with her money and her insecurities, anyone could look like that too. But me? If I had her money I sure as hell wouldn't be pissing my life away on diets and trainers and hair stylists. All those perfect Hollywood clowns seem to spend their lives with dieticians and cosmetic surgery people. What the hell kind of life is that?

As a skinny person, my only observation about food is that people should eat whatever they want ... but they might want to consider how much of it they eat. I can't believe the quantities some folks chow down. But then, I'm designed so I can only eat so much then, no matter what it is, I can't go on. I also eat slowly. For whatever that's worth.

Blah blah blah ... I'm starting to ramble. But I get fiesty when the issue of self image comes up. It's such horseshit. Be who you are. To hell with whoever doesn't like it.

Anthony S. said...

I love to dance, too.

Forget the belly; nothing wrong with you. Your friends are right; just so long as you're healthy.

Honestly, the first thing that attracted me to your website? Wasn't the words, although I latched onto them pretty quickly; it was seeing your beautiful face posting comments on Thomas' website.

Don't sweat it so much. Just be.

Nihilistic said...

Oh Sweetie...I'm so sorry that you feel that way about yourself. Just from your photo's I can tell you this:

You are a very beautiful woman, you have a great smile and some awesome hair!

From reading your blog I can tell you are very intelligent, caring and witty...I just wish that all this wasn't in the shadow of how you feel about your body!

I agree with many of the comments...we all feel this way at one point or other...its a shame really.

Jill said...

This is a brilliant post. I clicked over here from Sandra's blog and I am so glad that I did! Happy belated birthday, good luck on your move, and hello to all parts of Ms. Sizzle.

Dinah said...

This was such a hard post to read and I can't imagine how it must have been to write. Very well done.

Alison said...

I can so relate to this post!

I came here from Sandra's after Neil sent me to a similar post of hers...after he read a sort-of-related post on my blog!

mysterygirl! said...

Wonderful post.

Rabbit said...

My sister, from high school to this present day, has always been a perfect size 3. Even though I'm only a 7/8, everyone found me "solid," "soft" or "chubby" by comparison. (My sister used to flat out call me fat.)

I have come to accept that there ain't NO WAY I could ever be a size 3, or even a size 4 or 5. Even as my level of physical fitness increases, my body hasn't been getting any smaller. These soft curves are a part of me. It's how I'm built. And I happen to like having a full, round butt, thank you very much.