Thursday, March 02, 2006

Trustworthy

"Trust in me in all you do. Have the faith I have in you. Love will lead us through if only you trust in me....Why don't you, you trust me?"

I have always seen myself as too trusting. Gullible at times even. And overly giving. There have to be limits on how much one gives. Particularly if you aren't getting what you give back in return. It isn't selfish to consider yourself in the equation. Especially where love is concerned. In fact, it is pretty detrimental if you overlook yourself. I learned that the hard way.

I've been testing the waters of my ability to trust lately. Dipping a toe to test the heat. An arm carelessly plunged in scalding water. Occasionally choosing to wade in deep. Soaked to my waist. A bitter chill. I don't like to be guarded though I know I can be. That I often should be. Not everyone is worthy of trust. Does trust have to be earned? Or should it be given away freely?

"Come to me when things go wrong. Cling to me daddy oh yeah and I'll be strong. We can get along. We can get along if only you trust in me."

A lot of the time I want to be needed and so I cast my net of trust to save someone. I say "save" as if I had the power to. I give people too many chances because I believe in the goodness of people. I want to believe people are striving for honesty and authenticity like myself. I know that I am not above lying. Sometimes I lie. And once the lie escapes my lips, the regret sets in. Haunting me. How do the ones who lie live with themselves? Is remorse a learned feeling? I hate the aftermath of regret that comes with lying so I avoid it.

"While there's a moon, a moon up high. While there are birds, birds to fly. While there is you, you and I. I can be sure that I love you."

Can you love a person if you don't trust them 100%? Can a person be trustworthy with one individual but untrustworthy with another? Does dishonesty breed more dishonesty? Does distrust breed more distrust? Do people really change or is it just wishful thinking?

Do you ever just stop and wonder: Am I trying to convince myself or them?

Every time I think I've got the answer, the question changes.

I guess the thing to do is feel your way through it.

"Oh stand beside me, stand beside me all the while. Come on daddy face the future. Why don't you smile? Trust in me and I'll be worthy of you."*

*Lyrics: Etta James, Trust In Me

23 comments:

gronce said...

Do people really change? Rarely.

Whoever you're talking about, he's already showed you his ass. It's time to move on.

Sizzle said...

for the record: i am speaking generally about a bunch of different people.

but still, gronce, your advice is received.

:) s

sue said...

Trust is very necessary - especially when dealing with our most precious inner thoughts and feelings. You have to be able to trust someone - even if they end up hurting you. You have to start over and try again with someone new - difficult, but not impossible - until you find the person or people who are worthy of that trust. Trust is not a negotiable thing. It has to be.

sandra said...

Sizz, I was trying to think of something clever to say and realized that no cleverness was needed. Two words: me too.

ocg said...

Queen Sizz,

You have this innate ability to express your heart and mind so clearly... that I think we all completely relate, yet have been unable to put into words our concerns.

I have a tendency to trust people immediately (much like our judicial system, innocent until proven otherwise). However, once someone has been untrustworthy, I think it would take longer than our lifetime would allow to be let back into the inner circle again. Life is too short to deal with relationships (boys or girls) that are reckless in the way they treat me.

Thanks for this!
OCG

alissa said...

As my therapist has told me, the jury is still out on people until they put in their time, so I think people have to earn your trust. Of course, I've totally learned this the hard way (see: reason for therapy).

I think the hardest thing for me to realize was that no one had my best interest in mind, not even me, I was too busy looking for the good/saving everyone else. But the funny thing was, when I wasn't taking care of myself, I was no good to anyone else.

Bob Merrick said...

"When it comes to falling in love, you need not fall but surrender. Surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. You must absolutley trust yourself, before you can absolutely trust another. Most importantly, you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another."

"When you open Pandora's box, and all the evil has escaped, all that's left is Hope."

Moonchild said...

Good luck on the trust thing. I, for one, only trust immediate family members and a few choice childhood friends. Everyone else...has burned me one way or the other including present friends. I used to be all trusting, all everything but no more. I value my life too much to be so gullible anymore. And I get my feelings hurt too easily. Let me know how your issues work out.

Will said...

Wasnt it Kaa in Jungle Book who sang "Trust in me...Trust in me"?

Mikey said...

I am too trusting also. In the end I get hurt. Will-I was thinking the same thing.

Bone Collector said...

You have been nominated for a Blog Award:

http://thesilverblue.com/awards/

gorillabuns said...

i'm with the tomato on his comments. as for loving a person and not trusting them fully, i believe you can. healthy? probably not, but in time they can re-earn your trust if it's worth it.

Bill said...

I don’t think it’s quite that black and white. While there are people who lie, what happens more often, I think, is people say things they truly believe at the time they are saying them. So it’s not so much an act of deception as it is one of ignorance maybe. They don’t know themselves well enough to know what they actually feel, or the difference between liking someone a lot and love. Or that love is constantly changing. Or how sex and love are connected but not the same thing.

So I tend to be cautious. I’ve also learned that words are just words. You are what you do, not what you say. (For example, a person can say they are vegetarian but if they are eating a steak they are not vegetarian.)

This post made think of a Richard Thompson song, “Persuasion.” Of course, the words probably come across as gibberish without the music, but for what it’s worth:

Blind romance
There'll be no half measures given half a chance
But we never learn
Trusting in the fire while the cruel flame burns
And we need to rebuild
What was never there
What got left behind
After all the foolish things that we've been through
I could always make a start on something new
And I'll always be a man who's open to
Persuasion

And it's written in my heart
So that everybody can see it
And it's written in my soul
After all, I still believe it

I don't know what to do
'Cause I still believe
After all the foolish things you put me through
I could always make a start with something new
And I'll always be a man who's open to
Persuasion

Mr_Rodacre said...

You can love someone without trusting them 100%. I believe that. Doesn't mean that they love you back. Doesn't mean that they won't hurt you. Doesn't mean that you don't love them any less.

Just means that they cannot be trusted - no matter how much love you give to them - they have to earn your trust.

Actions not words.

I'm working on this myself...

oh and by the way... I trust you implicitly.

Brookelina said...

I tend to trust easily, but once that trust has been broken - I'm done - I can never trust again. Reason #78 why I'm still single.

Bre said...

When I was young(er)I was the girl who was in and out of 6 relationships in a year. Nothing really held my interest, and if it did, not for very long.

And then I fell and fell big time.

I'd always been quite trusting, so I never considered the fact that he could be using me, or not acting in my best interest.

And my trust wasn't broken, it was shattered.

And I've never fallen like that since... so I worry - will I be able to trust like that again? Will I be a bitter old woman who is always nitpicking? Looking for flaws to distort into reasons not to trust someone?

There's no easy answer. I wish there was!

But it helps (me at least) to know I'm not the only one grappling with this!

JustRun said...

I used to trust without question, just like most of us do when we're young. But, you run into a wall a few times and you begin to realize that it hurts. Then, you start looking for doors and windows before you just go running full speed ahead with blinders on.


However, the Etta James song is fantastic!

Nihilistic said...

You can love someone you don't trust - you can also love someone that isn't good for you. I do believe that someone can be trustworthy with one person and not another. All relationships are different and work in different ways. I have trusted and been burned many times, but I keep on trusting and always will. If you don't risk you don't gain.

Jenny said...

i think TRUST is a must. and i think people CAN change, if they are willing to look at and own their shit.

you are on the right track...

Jenster said...

You have spoken my heart on this one, Sizz. I have a tendency to trust too much and to what to save people. Why is it so much easier to save others than it is to save ourselves? This has definitely been a huge struggle for me. I think you can love someone and not trust them 100%. I think it's a recipe for disaster though. I think that trust is a necessity, and also an awesome gift. Unfortunately, some people don't see it as a gift and they abuse it. I think what I've learned is that everyone deserves a token amount of trust. Then it is up to them to either grow it, or lose it. I don't think you can 100% trust someone without it being earned.

BullysE said...

Great post, Sizzle. I too, am like you. I don't know the answers to those questions either, but I do know, I continue to hope. It's a small hope, but it burns, all the same.

Lushy said...

The trust that you have in yourself, the trust that your instinct is usually right, is what really matters. As long as you are willing to temporarily remove yourself from a situation and look at it objectively, you will know the answer to whatever question poses itself to you.

:)
-Lushy

Claire said...

I think the answers to your q's depend on who's asking and probably can't be generalized.

I tend to take what people say literally, so it generally doesn't occur to me they might be lying until I found out they have. It still surprises me that so many people lie and don't even think they've lied..