Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Oh, The O

The Tomato and I have an agreement. He is not allowed to speak of The O. I have enforced this rule for a couple of years now because, frankly, The O topic was getting out of hand.

Too many people were privvy to this private information without my prior approval. There had been times where I had arrived to a party or gathering and someone, an acquaintance or stranger, would bring up The O. Usually after some cocktails. I am not that easily flustered but it would throw me for a loop. I am quick to blush and we all know I am a horrible liar so. . . you can imagine how that played out. I am not embarassed about the situation, mind you. Frustrated? Yes. Embarassed? Not so much. I just don't like to be caught off guard. I'm a Type A planner. I'm like the Red Cross for personal disasters. I need to have a game plan.

Take this for an example: I am asleep in my bed many years ago. Warm, toasty, cozy if you will. I am in dreamland when my cell phone rings. It's late, like 1:30am. I answer and a drunk Tomato is laughing hysterically on the other end of the line. He tells me that he is in a limo with the boys from *NSYNC but it is difficult to understand him through his drunken slurred speech and ocassional outburst of laughter. He tells me to hold on and then passes the phone to a member of the boy band. One of them asks, "Is it true? Did you have sex with Tomato?" I admit that yes, we did indeed do the deed.

This was greeted with laughter. You see, anyone who meets Tomato nowadays would think the idea of him with a girl pretty ludicrous. His gayness isn't a secret though it was (to me) back when we dated. Ok, ok. So other people were clued in but that is not the point of this story. Focus, please.

So then Lance or Joey or Justin, I don't remember who, asks, "Is it true he gave you your only orgasm?"

I'm not that starstruck. The part that bothered me about a boy band member asking me such a personal question in the middle of the night from a limo with my drunk best friend was that he already knew private information about me. I can spill my own beans, thank you very much. That's when I decided to say "enough" to the TMI on The O.

I will give Tomato credit. He's kept his mouth shut, drunk or not. At least, the late night inquiries have stopped. And I have gone to a number of gatherings where not one person has asked me about The O. I am just grateful this topic is off limits or else my newest crush would have had an earful. Phew!


gronce said...

Only once? That's not true anymore - right?

Mrs. Ca said...

I hear that your newest crush is, um, well, I have a friend whose cousin, um, had sex with him after a show. So what I'm saying is I hear he gives it up. And if your friend knows him, maybe there's a chance. How could he resist you anyway?

sandra said...

Sizz, I've had the gay boyfriend-turned-best-friend (still have him, really)...and it also appears that we have similar...satisfaction issues. Are you my dating doppelganger?

Kevin said...

To be grilled by a boyband about orgasms has got to be the ultimate low point. I don't think that I, if I were a woman, could ever recover from that or listen to their music again (not that I ever did before).


alissa said...

Perhaps Tomato should start giving your dates pointers?!? He could put together an instructional video! :)

I can't believe he got drunk with NSYNC. That's fabulous.

Bob Merrick said...

I wasn't THAT drunk. Yet. At least not the first time I called with Lance in the car. It was the second phone call from Joey later in the evening that finally sent you over the edge.

And how can I not wear the whole event as a badge of honor? There is a very good chance I will never give another woman another O! (although with my dating dry spell, women are beginning to look appetizing again. Sort of like when you swear off tequila for the rest of your life after throwing up for two days from Tequila Poppers only to find a margarita seeming more and more desirable). I digress.

And I only told Taylor the nicest of things about you. But really, if I had told him about the O, don't you think he would be competitive enough to want to give it a try? After all, he's already competing to be a singer. I'm sure he'd be proud to be the next O Idol.

And about that pic of me on the American Idol website... if it weren't embarrassing enough... I am actually in the middle of grabbing Constantine's ass as I walk down the red carpet. And yes, I will be wearing that as a badge of honor as well!



Jenny said...

ok, i have a boy crush on taylor we both know. i looked at his idol profile and found these great tidbits:

What are your personal goals in life?
To be happy as possible.

What would people be surprised to learn about you?
I love to dance.

Who are your heroes in life?
Ray Charles/Grandmother.

What's been your toughest obstacle in life?
Life itself.

If you win, who will you thank first?

the man needs to meet The Sizzle.

Jenster said...

Oh my. I don't know how the heck I would handle ANYONE that I didn't know randomly commenting on something of that nature. Although, I don't typically get flustered, so I probably would have responded by giving even more TMI. :)

Taylor is awesome. He such a cutie.

Gary said...

It's a good thing the Tomato isn't spilling all the beans about your orgasm. Otherwise, you'd have to rename him the Rotten Tomato.

Will said...

Put me in coach!!!

Bre said...

I disagree with Kevin - I think if I discussed an orgasm with a boy band member I would use that to catapult myself into infamy!

As for myself, I'm partial to Elliot's dimples and Chris' bald head!

ocg said...

I am so jealous that you got to talk to NSYNC... however I do suppose being able to self inflict The O is a fair exchange.

I promise I will tell no one your secret... at least no one anymore..


Rabbit said...

(This is the conversation that is occurring in my imagination.)

Lance, Joey, or Justin asks, "Is it true he gave you your only orgasm?"

"Yes, it's true. But I think ambience had a lot to do with it. Your CD was playing in the background."


"Nah, I don't listen to that shit."

Mikey said...

Maybe Tomato can give your new crush a few point....ers LOLO.

Bill said...

Good grief. People will talk about anything with anyone anywhere these days. My Roman Catholic background is not designed for this.

Whatever happened to silent suffering? Lives of quiet desperation? Blissful ignorance?

gorillabuns said...

did the tomato have an alcohol induced conversation with the new crush like the conversation that transpired with the boy band limo?

Nihilistic said...

You AI Crush is beyond my comprehension I'm afraid...

Anonymous said...

So you fucked a fag, have you licked any pussy? You are certainly one ugly whore, so you might as well go for some snatch too.

Sizzle said...

wow, anonymous, you sure are full of nice things to say.