Feeling Kinda "Ugh"
Wouldn't you know it? I went and used my meme yesterday and today I have writer's block. I have had too much on my mind and it is crowding out any sense of intelligent thought. I have come to realize that when I sit down to write this blog, I don't want to be a rambling, emotional mess. I feel like I am that inside a lot of the time and sometimes (ok often) it overflows when I am speaking. But here, I try to at least look like I have somewhat of my proverbial shit together.
It totally isn't working is it?
I guess the intention of this blog originally was not to entertain but to allow me a place to vent, share, wonder aloud (so to speak). Now I find myself thinking of this in different terms. And I don't want to lose my "real-ness". I guess what I mean to say is that I haven't been really unloading the truth of my heart here lately.
In my day to day life, I feel short-tempered, lonely, surrounded, at my wit's end, lazy, disconnected, hungry for real connection, longing for affection, bitter, scared, anxious. Always anxious. I haven't been taking very good care of myself. Forgetting to eat or eating the wrong things. Drinking a lot of red wine. Watching TV so I don't have to think. Trying to focus at work so diligently that 6 hours can go by and I have not gone outside for a break. I come home spent and cranky and dissatisfied. I feel like I am stuck in PMS-mode and I hate PMS-mode. God, how I hate it.
I need to reconnect with something akin to hope inside myself.
I feel angry but I am not sure at whom or at what or why. I feel fed up with the disconnect between people. I am exasperated with reaching out and not receiving that sort of reaching out in return. I feel tired. Very tired. Somewhere along the journey here I picked up a lot of crap that isn't really mine to carry. I need to unload it. I'm impatient for change.
I see the horizon of hope . . . I just pray it isn't a mirage.
*Don't go worrying about me. I will be ok.
**See? I can't even write a blog post without making sure I explain away any feelings you might have of concern for me.
***That isn't a good sign, is it?
13 comments:
I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time Sizz. Stay strong and try to push past it all, it will all seem clearer in the end.
*So jealous that you've actually been able to drink red wine! White just doesn't have the same effect and I'm hurting.
Sizz, can I have my half of the brain back, now? I hear ya, and I'm in that sort of a emotional quagmire, myself. It's like, I want people to read and say something so I know I'm not alone, but then, as people do, I feel like I have to be even less open, which of course just defeats the whole purpose, right? sigh.
amen to that.
Sometimes I'll sit down and open up blogger and think, "my life just isn't interesting."
And it's so frustrating because I do love blogging. I love the experience, the power, the release, the response... but it can absolutely be frustrating when you're stuck in an emotional rut.
Hang in there!
Drinking red wine cures all ills. Even writer's block. Although you may come across as slightly incomprehensible. But it's worth it. Yeah... that's it. It's worth it.
Your smile's too nice for you to be sad. You're robbing the rest of us of that smile.
sometimes, hunkering down with a bottle okay, maybe two of red wine, watching crappy lifetime movies is needed to readjust. doctors orders! take care of yourself this weekend!
"I am exasperated with reaching out and not receiving that sort of reaching out in return. I feel tired. Very tired."
Amen. Mostly I've become tired of excusing people's absence in my life with the mostly true but not always relevant "they're just busy." My reaction cycles through loneliness, upsetness, anger, toughness - I don't care, hiding out at my blog or with tv, acceptance, and then trying to reach out again. Something like that anyway. The whole cycle is wearying.
And now I feel like I sound like a loser. But maybe vulnerable is more accurate (and annoyingly more difficult to admit). Ok, before I get any more pensive, I'm going to make tacos.
Hang in there, sizz!
This is all normal! Not that its helpful in anyway to hear...
Well, it better not be a mirage. A world without hope is just TV.
It may be you're too focused on arriving at a certain place when you should be enjoying the getting to it.
If you can drink too much red wine without suffering, you're stronger than I am. Too much red wine gives me a headache from the tannic acid.
BTW, you still sound to me like you've got it together. For the record, I'm not worried about you.
You have a plan, just getting there is the hardest part. It's kind of like Christmas eve that lasts too damn long. Hang in there...it will be here before you know it!
Red wine works, my dear, but unfortunately, it wears off and then you are left with the crappy mood AND a splitting headache. :(
The only good thing about being down, is the next way is up. Your 'up' is coming, sweetie. And we are all here to help you as you make your way skyward. :)
big hugs,
circe
Love ya.
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