Friday, February 24, 2006

Feeling Kinda "Ugh"

Wouldn't you know it? I went and used my meme yesterday and today I have writer's block. I have had too much on my mind and it is crowding out any sense of intelligent thought. I have come to realize that when I sit down to write this blog, I don't want to be a rambling, emotional mess. I feel like I am that inside a lot of the time and sometimes (ok often) it overflows when I am speaking. But here, I try to at least look like I have somewhat of my proverbial shit together.

It totally isn't working is it?

I guess the intention of this blog originally was not to entertain but to allow me a place to vent, share, wonder aloud (so to speak). Now I find myself thinking of this in different terms. And I don't want to lose my "real-ness". I guess what I mean to say is that I haven't been really unloading the truth of my heart here lately.

In my day to day life, I feel short-tempered, lonely, surrounded, at my wit's end, lazy, disconnected, hungry for real connection, longing for affection, bitter, scared, anxious. Always anxious. I haven't been taking very good care of myself. Forgetting to eat or eating the wrong things. Drinking a lot of red wine. Watching TV so I don't have to think. Trying to focus at work so diligently that 6 hours can go by and I have not gone outside for a break. I come home spent and cranky and dissatisfied. I feel like I am stuck in PMS-mode and I hate PMS-mode. God, how I hate it.

I need to reconnect with something akin to hope inside myself.

I feel angry but I am not sure at whom or at what or why. I feel fed up with the disconnect between people. I am exasperated with reaching out and not receiving that sort of reaching out in return. I feel tired. Very tired. Somewhere along the journey here I picked up a lot of crap that isn't really mine to carry. I need to unload it. I'm impatient for change.

I see the horizon of hope . . . I just pray it isn't a mirage.

*Don't go worrying about me. I will be ok.
**See? I can't even write a blog post without making sure I explain away any feelings you might have of concern for me.
***That isn't a good sign, is it?

16 comments:

alissa said...

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time Sizz. Stay strong and try to push past it all, it will all seem clearer in the end.

*So jealous that you've actually been able to drink red wine! White just doesn't have the same effect and I'm hurting.

goldmoon said...

Hang in there, Siz. We all go through these crappy times in life. I hope it gets better soon.

jeopardygirl said...

Sizz, can I have my half of the brain back, now? I hear ya, and I'm in that sort of a emotional quagmire, myself. It's like, I want people to read and say something so I know I'm not alone, but then, as people do, I feel like I have to be even less open, which of course just defeats the whole purpose, right? sigh.

Bre said...

amen to that.

Sometimes I'll sit down and open up blogger and think, "my life just isn't interesting."

And it's so frustrating because I do love blogging. I love the experience, the power, the release, the response... but it can absolutely be frustrating when you're stuck in an emotional rut.

Hang in there!

Kevin said...

Drinking red wine cures all ills. Even writer's block. Although you may come across as slightly incomprehensible. But it's worth it. Yeah... that's it. It's worth it.

Anonymous said...

Your smile's too nice for you to be sad. You're robbing the rest of us of that smile.

Jacynth said...

Eeek..you are hurting and this is no good. Although I would suggest red wine, it looks like you've gone down that path and it's not working. So, I say, switch to whiskey! It makes you feel all warm inside with a tinge of hard assness so nobody will be able to fuck with you. Yae, whiskey! :)

gorillabuns said...

sometimes, hunkering down with a bottle okay, maybe two of red wine, watching crappy lifetime movies is needed to readjust. doctors orders! take care of yourself this weekend!

Claire said...

"I am exasperated with reaching out and not receiving that sort of reaching out in return. I feel tired. Very tired."

Amen. Mostly I've become tired of excusing people's absence in my life with the mostly true but not always relevant "they're just busy." My reaction cycles through loneliness, upsetness, anger, toughness - I don't care, hiding out at my blog or with tv, acceptance, and then trying to reach out again. Something like that anyway. The whole cycle is wearying.

And now I feel like I sound like a loser. But maybe vulnerable is more accurate (and annoyingly more difficult to admit). Ok, before I get any more pensive, I'm going to make tacos.

Hang in there, sizz!

Moonchild said...

Um this is your blog. You can write or do whatever you want and I am pretty certain you will still have a following. Be human once in awhile. Just be you. And not write to entertain all of us. It may surprise you and you may like it.

Nihilistic said...

This is all normal! Not that its helpful in anyway to hear...

Bill said...

Well, it better not be a mirage. A world without hope is just TV.

It may be you're too focused on arriving at a certain place when you should be enjoying the getting to it.

Gary said...

If you can drink too much red wine without suffering, you're stronger than I am. Too much red wine gives me a headache from the tannic acid.

BTW, you still sound to me like you've got it together. For the record, I'm not worried about you.

Lushy said...

You have a plan, just getting there is the hardest part. It's kind of like Christmas eve that lasts too damn long. Hang in there...it will be here before you know it!

circe said...

Red wine works, my dear, but unfortunately, it wears off and then you are left with the crappy mood AND a splitting headache. :(

The only good thing about being down, is the next way is up. Your 'up' is coming, sweetie. And we are all here to help you as you make your way skyward. :)

big hugs,
circe

sue said...

Love ya.