Sunday, January 08, 2006

My Sweet Embraceable. . . Me

This week I have noticed, moreso than usual, that I have a pattern of dismissing compliments or people's positive feedback or even people's love. A conversation I had with OC Girl started me thinking. Then I reread old emails- to friends and ex-lovers. Those, coupled with a conversation with Tomato, has led to a new way of seeing.

I can no longer allow negative self-talk to be the prevailing voice in my head. When someone says something positive to me, such as, "You are attractive." I immediately, in my head, say to myself, "But you are fat." (or something equally as negative). I discount the compliment. I might hem and haw and verbally eek out a "thank you" but that's what normally is going on in my head.

When anyone says something nice to me, tells me how they feel in relation to me, instead of standing taller and beaming, I shrink inside. It's as though I fear they might find out that I am not this great person that they think I am. I drag around this heavy bag of my weaknesses and faults and let it outweigh all the good in me. When did I decide I wasn't great?

The Tomato was saying that we have to embrace the good and the bad in ourselves. That one can't cancel the other out. All of those things make us who we are- and that's the beauty of it. By living with the negative self-talk, I am not allowing myself to receive and fully feel love. I have known this theoretically but to actually commit to putting it into practice is a whole new way of being for me.

As Dumpling and I had lunch yesterday, I listed off my negative attributes: impatient, bossy, egomaniac, jealous, loud. . .he chimed in (on my request) with controlling. He's right. I think my need to control is, well, uh, out of control. I can't control other people, though I have wasted a lot of time trying and burned out romantic relationships in an effort to "make things right." I really don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to feel compelled to fix things, to right things, to be "perfect." I just want to be a messed up, fun-loving, lovable person with faults and strengths. At 32, I am finally easing up on myself. It's a belated Christmas miracle!

We're all pretty much a jumbled mess of contradictions. That's what makes us unique. If I can't honestly look at myself and say, "I love myself" then how in the hell am I going to ever be ready to be in a relationship. I'm ready to face the fear and push past it. I want to feel the love.

Hold me to it. Please.


Bill said...

I think most people are ultimately a jumble of contradictions. If we weren't, the world would be much more orderly. (Oddly, the imposition of order often leads to chaos - a contradiction.) If I go back and look at things I've posted on my blog, I'm sure I'll find I'm a right wing liberal. Or a left leaning conservative. And a religious atheist (or a faithless believer).

Posts like this always make me think of quotes, so … from an old Kris Kristofferson song: “He’s a walkin’ contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction.”

And a book by Mark Helprin (Memoir from Antproof Case):

“To keep your love alive you must be willing to be obstinate, and irrational, and true, to fashion your life as a construct, a metaphor, a fiction, a device for the exercise of faith. Without this, you will live like a beast and have nothing but a broken heart. With it, your heart, though broken, will be full, and you will stay in the fight unto the very last.”

Sizzle said...

bill- you always have the perfect quote. i love those. :)

Rabbit said...

If anyone is completely happy with herself, I have yet to meet her.

I can't take a compliment. Even if I manage to silence the negative thoughts, I still blush like the Dickens.

Lushy said...

You WILL feel the love. If you don't, we will blogpile you until you cry uncle. :)

amy said...

Wow. We are so much alike it's scary. Sometimes you write something and that is the very thing that I was thinking about or feeling or .....anyways. I'm starting to take compliments more seriously now. I now listen better too. And I'm learning to flirt again which in the past year I forgot how to do and didn't think I was worthy enough to be around the opposite sex let alone flirt with them. Ease up sissy... you're okay :)

Nihilistic said...

Can you feel the love tonight? Elton's singing to ya!

goldmoon said...

I think we could all do with loving ourselves a bit more. Here's to the love in 2006!

Kris said...

I agree with these sentiments. It's SO hard but SOOOOO worth it to try to get there. We'll hold you to it, and in turn, you'll inspire us!

sue said...

Oh, MAN... another likeness! I've gotten better at accepting compliments, but it's HARD. Hubby's been working on me for 26+ years to get me to like myself. I'm a little better, but still have a loooong way to go. At least you're starting at a young age! ;)

Keep it up. 2006 will be YOUR year!

Jenny said...

ok lady...everyday we talk, i am going to give you a compliment. just because. :)

Melissa said...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing elightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Nelson Mandela 1994

I read this when I need to be reminded that I'm essentially good.

We can't control how other people view us, all we can do is be the very best we can be.

Bob Merrick said...

This Tomato person seems very smart. I think I like him :-)

and he seems lucky to have you in his life sharing your light and helping his glow...


Bex said...

i wholeheartedly agree with the comments here. it's so hard to learn to love yourself despite your flaws and insecurities. god knows i'm not there. but i have found that with life experience, i grow and learn and love myself more. i look at my little sister (who's 8 years younger) and i am so much more comfortable in my own skin at 24 that i was at 16. i can only hope that it gets better with time.
but you seem quite fabulous! and it seems like a lot of love surrounds you, there must be a reason why :)

Jenster said...

Isn't that inner voice a bitch!? I've been trying to change the things I tell myself too. It's been a conscious effort for a few months now. It's not an easy thing to do!

Luckily, you have a lot of people around you who will always tell you just how great you are. Now you just need to start believing it!

gorillabuns said...

you're right if we don't think we are worthy of the compliments given others won't either. i'm holding you to loving yourself more as well as everyone else!

Gary said...

Good post.You are an excellent blogger. Please don't disagree.

ocg said...

Oh my, I am sorry that I read this post too late.

Umm, I have flaws. I AM HUMAN. But I am a woman, and I think I fucking rock. I wish more people saw the light of truth that is their own fabulousness....

This makes me sad... Sizz... you are amazing and to see these other owmen so down on themselves as well.

Ladies if you do not love yourself, how do you expect to find someone who does?

There will never be an IT until you are wiling to recognize that you are SO AMAZING that YOU DESERVE IT!!!

I'm doing a post on this....


Stand in front of your mirror and shout to the depths of your soul: I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM FABULOUS, I AM AMAZING, I AM A WONDERFUL WRITER, I LOVE ME BECAUSE, DAMN IT, I AM WORTH IT!!!!

Love your #2 fan (second hopefully to only YOU),