Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Flashback: 1996

My first summer back home after being away at college, I was desperate to find a job. The Tomato, who has always been the best networker around, hooked me up with a gig at The Wherehouse. Where? The Wherehouse. Yes, the music store.

I worked with a bunch of younger, rowdy, immature types except for the creepy guy who worked the stock room and would stare at me whenever I went back there. Stare as in ogle. To make matters worse, that same fella was also one of my friend's housemates. I just could not escape him.

But this story is not about him. . .I was working in Los Gatos, a ritzier part of Silicon Valley. One day an older gentleman came into the store. Dressed in slacks, a button down shirt, a hat and a cane, he was what you might call "dapper." Turns out, he was incredibly wealthy and a regular at the store. He would throw down a couple hundred dollars on cds- mostly classical- every time he came in. The old timers at the store would fight over who would get to help him because he was notorious for leaving a big tip. After seeing him in the store a couple of times, he asked for my assistance with retrieving a cd. I was pleasant and poored on the customer service charm, rang him up and refused his $20 tip kindly.

I know, hello!, what was I thinking. I had morals then. I was young.

Upon return visits to the store, I was informed that he would ask for me. My manager, a young, idiotic boy, informed me that he also inquired if I would like to watch a video with him. When he asked him that question, they were standing in the porn section. Yes, P-o-r-n-o-g-r-a-p-h-y. Um, no, I did not want to watch porn with him. He's was kind enough old gent but he was Old as in walking with a cane, white hair, drooling.

Did you catch that? Drooling. He'd use his handkerchief to dab the drips away. I am not kidding.

He came into the store on what would be our last day seeing one another. He approached me at the register and asked if he could play me a tape. I hesitated and looked at my co-workers for some sort of escape plan. They tried not to laugh at my predicament but didn't do anything to help me. I gave in and walked him to the storeroom where, upon entering, everyone promptly left. Great! Thanks co-workers!

Maurice, AKA Dapper Drooly Man, had made me a cassette tape. This 80-something year old man had sat down to make me a tape like many a high school boyfriend had. I put the cassette in the boom box and hit play. His voice suddenly filled the room, saying, "Hello Sizzle. This is Maurice. I have made this tape especially for you. I would like to play a particular song that I wrote called, "Song for Sizzle." I hope you like it and will consider what we have talked about." What we have talked about? Uh oh, I thought, filled with trepedation for what was to follow.

We stood there in the storeroom, he leaning on his cane, me attempting to look touched and pleased by his display of attention while secretly hoping someone, anyone, even creepy storeroom guy, would walk through the door and save me. The song, a classical piano concerta of sorts, was sweet even if it felt like eternity as I stood there listening, apprehensive as to what would happen next. When the song ended, I hit stop and he informed me that the tape was full of him playing the piano. He claimed to be a concert pianist.

Maurice turned to me, wiping the drool from his mouth, and asked, "Sizzle, can I ask you a personal question?" I responded, stiffling a giggle, "Sure, Maurice, go right ahead."

"Are you a virgin?" he asked. I was afraid that would be the question. Hiding my amusement and mild discomfort I replied, "No Maurice, no I am not a virgin."

"That's what I thought. . .being a hot Irish lassie like yourself!" he answered, very enthusiastically.

Oh. God.

"I have a proposition for you." He continued. "I am a very wealthy man. I own a big house. My wife, she's a cold fish. Cold fish! She lives on the other side of the big house. I might be old but I can still get it up. You wouldn't have to work."

Oh. My. God.

"I like working. And besides, I don't actually live in Los Gatos, Maurice. I go to school in Santa Cruz and I will be moving back there in a few weeks." Lame attempt at an excuse without the balls to be direct and scream EWWWWWW.

"Oh, that's ok! You wouldn't have to drive either. I have a driver and he could pick you up and take you home. I could help you pay for school. You wouldn't have to worry about a thing."

I am already worried. About a great number of things, the most of which is how the hell do I get out of this?!

"Maurice, that's very generous for you to offer and I am . . .flattered but I don't think my boyfriend would be happy about that arrangement." It was the best I could come up with.

"Oh, a boyfriend, eh? I should have known you would have a boyfriend, you are such a hot young thing." He seemed a bit rejected. Little did he know that I didn't technically have a boyfriend.

"Thank you for the tape Maurice. You are an excellent piano player. I have to get back to work now." I tried to be graceful and kind, while slowly moving away from him.

The door to the storeroom suddenly swung open and the creepy guy walked in. Who would have thought I would ever be relieved to see him! I made my way to the door, my back to Maurice and a pleading look directed at creepy guy. I waited at the door for Maurice to slowly make his way out of the storeroom and through the store. As he left he said, "If you ever change your mind, my number is on the tape." And then he took my hand, slipped me a $20 and walked out the door.

26 comments:

circe said...

I had a guy of color asked if I wanted to make a fast $50 once............

Great story!
:)

Bill said...

Well, that just sounds creepy and awkward. Good story though.

Mrs. Ca said...

Holy Creepy Batman! I have attracted many a gross old man in my time, but I've never had something like that happen. Sounds like you addressed it with plenty of tact. I probably would have just turned scarlet red and said no and hurried away. EW!

Some Random Girl said...

ONLY A 20? WHAT A JIP! I'd have thought if he really wanted to entice you he'd leave you something you could actually do something with! a 20? oh, so you could buy yourself some more cassettes? LOL

found you by way of Nihilistic Propensity or as I love to call him...Stacy my cuz!

gronce said...

Now, THAT's a story. It kind of gave me the creeps. Men! They can't even control themselves in old age! Ugh!

Bob Merrick said...

I'd have climbed on board and gone for the ride... if he has a driver, he isn't playing with monopoly money!

erin said...

creepy!

Lushy said...

EWWWW!!! Saggy old man balls!!! That's disgusting!

Kilt Trip said...

Wow. Just wow. I hope when I'm a dirty old man I can afford to cough up more than a twenty to try and entice a young girl to bed.

Melissa said...

Damn, and I was about to call you Anna Nichole!

Being kept is a pretty sweet deal. Every girl should have a year of it.

Jenny said...

i *love* this story sizzle... this is one i never get sick of :)

Sizzle said...

jenny two times- you remember when i first told you this happened to me? and your response was, "so what did you say?" as if i would have done it! ha ha ha.

damn. i could be a rich lady if i had played my cards right!

and for the record folks, i am worth WAY more than $20. ;)

sue said...

Eewww... just eeewwww... Hon, if you'da said "yes" I'da still loved ya, but I'da never believed it. ;)

Jenny said...

OMG. yes. well, yeah it sounds like something i would say...hahaha.

Paul said...

He sounds sweet.

Bill said...

Speaking of "Eewwww!" ... I'd like to thank Lushy for that image. Like I really needed THAT in my head. Eewwww!!!!

gorillabuns said...

yes, you are way worth more than $20 bucks and the drooling...can't get that image out of my mind.

that was a great story! isn't it kinda neat that you had an indecent proposal, even though he was old. all the rich ones are old anyway.

Mr_Rodacre said...

Even though he was old, creepy and drooly, I kinda feel sorry for the old codger...

And I find myself wondering if you still have the tape?

Nihilistic said...

OMG! You have ALL the fun! I want to hang out with you!

goldmoon said...

Oh jeez, what a predicament! Is that how you spell predicament? I just suddenly went dumb...
Anyway, you handled it with grace. I probably would have run out of the room screaming.

Lushy said...

You are welcome, Bill. I'm here to help.

Since Sizzle was so amused by it, I would also like to instill the image of white crust in the corners of the old man's mouth. Alway attractive. :)

alissa said...

I had something similar happen when I worked at "The Gap" in Chicago. This guy in his 40's came in with a friend of my manager. I was 20 and he was apparently taken with me. He fed his proposition to my manager who then told me. When I went to speak to him he had corn in his teeth and smelled of garlic. Aside from my morals I could not imagine sleeping with a man who smelled of garlic for any amount of money.

ocg said...

LOVE IT!!!

Would you change your mind now that your younger moral-filled days are gone by?

Thomas said...

Basically doing the "Kevin Spacey in American Beauty" thing then.

Bob Merrick said...

Good question OC Girl!

Rabbit said...

I'm with Jules. My first thought was "What?! A twenty?! Cheap bastard!" If he really wanted to entice you, he could have at least slipped you a hundred . . . and a blank check.

What's the fun of being a kept woman if you get your allowance in quarters?