Friday, January 13, 2006


Such a simple word and yet, within it, turmoil.

If you are single right now, you might shake your head muttering mmhmm's in agreement. The IT we are talking about isn't any ordinary it. IT is "IT." As in, he/she is "IT" for me. My one, my only, my soulmateloverbestfriend, my Iwanttospendtherestofmylifewithyou IT.

It's a regular topic of conversation amongst us singletons. We go on a date and wonder, "Hmm, am I feeling 'IT'?" We date someone for a few months, a year say, and we decide after conducting extensive conversations for weeks on end with ourselves, that this person isn't the elusive "IT" we seek. I have to ask you, wise blog readers, is there really an IT?

I am currently of the mindset that IT is all a big hoax. A big funny ha ha ha prank made up by married people to make us singletons feel bad. Why are you so cruel happily married people?! What did we ever do to you? It's out of jealousy isn't it? You can tell us. We promise to try our best to understand.

I have dated a lot in my lifetime. Sure, it's less than some and more than others but for me, it seems like plenty. And my conclusion after all this dating is: Dating sucks! Why can't it be like in the movies? Our eyes locked across a crowded room and we just knew. . . oh wait, that already happened to me once. Damn it all to hell. It's very confusing. One minute you think you know, the next, you doubt it. You think you know but then you think you are just in honeymoon stages of love bliss, blinded dumb. You think you know but then why are you bored so often and it feels humdrum and dullsville? You want IT to be, more than you feel you are in IT. The want overrides the reality. Or, or, or- this one gets me every time- you are so afraid of actually finding IT you talk yourself out of believing when IT says hello.

Yeah, that one. That one and I are close friends.

IT seems to be plaguing many of my single friends right now. "He's nice. He's good in bed but. . . well, I just don't know if he is IT. You know?" Yeah, my friend, I know.

With only two men have I ever uttered the words: "I want to marry you." That's not something I say lightly. Possibly something I might not ever utter again at the rate I am going. My belief in IT and Fate and Love Eternal isn't what it used to be in my bright-eyed 20's. Naivety was so becoming on me then. Now it just makes me look silly. Like when older women wear teenybopper clothing. Sad like that.

I don't want to lose faith in love. I secretly want to believe in IT. If you are believer, how did you become one? Is it a genetic trait that skipped me? Is there a weekend workshop I can enroll in for guidance? A nightly chant I can perform to open me to the possibilities? A special tincture, tea or herb I need to get? Now's the time to put in your two cents.


gronce said...

When I met Guy, I instantly knew that I wanted to know him - be friends with him. More than that? I couldn't say. We became friends and started hanging out and then spent practically every non-working moment together.

A year after we met, we became boyfriend/girlfriend.

We have both overlooked a lot of "quirks".

Even though he pisses the shit out of me often enough, he is the one with whom I want to grow old.

This coming May will mark our sixth year together. There are times when our relationship is stale. We mix things up and voila - we are new again.

I read that Goldie Hawn said that after so many years, sometimes you will have to want to be in love with your partner, you will have to remind yourself why you are together. I never thought that I would get relationship insights from Goldie Hawn, but I have found that to be true.

I believe in love. Love is not always easy. Sometimes, love is a decision.

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

Oh, Ms. Sizzle. This is such a recurring issue these days. I work with many women in the same boat. I listen to their stories and their woes. Love is such a hard thing to come by. Are most people who are seemingly "in love" REALLY in love? Do many of us know what that is?

When I first "fell in love" with my husband I was far from being in love...because I didn't know MYSELF. I don't think I actually fell in love with him until recently and the same goes for him...we've been together 10 years.

People don't seem to be capable of love until they know themselves. Perhaps most of the people you've been involved with are searching for who they are becoming, making it hard for them to give of themselves.
I don't know of any teas or chants (although I did have a good giggle about that!) but I do know that love in and of itself is difficult for many people.

You have so much to offer and IT will happen to you!

goldmoon said...

I don't think there is just one 'it' for each person. I think there are a whole bunch of 'its' out there for everyone and you can be happy with any one of the 'its' to varying degrees. I also think an 'it' can change to a 'not it' throughout a lifetime. It's not like you meet 'it' and suddenly you're both happy the rest of the livelong day.

I found an 'it' who I am happy with. Is he the only 'it' in the entire world who could make me happy? Probably not. But I'm not going to keep looking to find out!!

Nicky said...

Love this post.

I am beginning to think the analysis and questioning habit is really destructive. At least in me. It comes on so fast, before I really have even begun to know someone, I'm going through the list, evaluating little things, asking my gut whether it feels like this is an "IT" or not, finding flaws and replaying cute things. Ack. I'm trying to just stop that monologue and say, "wait and see" instead.

I have no idea if that's better or not but it feels less crazy-making.

guerrilla blogger said...

i'm not sure how you become a believer, but i know how you lose faith. after repeatedly being kicked in the nuts by Eros/Cupid/Evil love diety, you tend to think that perhaps it's all a sham and really, there is no such thing as soulmate or IT. you have to get as close to what you want as possible and learn to accept what you got. there is no perfection, just how close you can get to it/IT....of course, i could be completely wrong and an idiot...

Miss Bliss said...

I used to be a HUGE fan of the whole "IT" idea, until it almost killed me. Now, not so much. I mean come on, think about it, isn't that a bit simplistic for what you know to be a fairly complex experience? I'm not discounting the truth of chemistry and mental, emotional and physical connection but even that little list right there is pretty complex. Passion is fairly explosive and loud but I have found that love is fairly gentle and quiet. You have to invest some time and listen closely to determine if it's actually there. THEN you have to determine if everything ELSE that makes a relationship work is there. I mean, I have loved some wonderful f'd up people...there was plenty of love but not enough other necessary traits to work. I found that it required paying attention and being willing to take some risks, knowing that not every relationship would last a lifetime but it might last long enough to learn something valuable.

Anonymous said...

Not surprisingly, this is a recurring topic for many singletons who usually have too much time and/or not spending it effectively.

Do not waste any more time overthinking this - there is NO such it thing. You have been brainwashed by Hollywood into romanticizing naively about love. The right way to think about love is to view it in the form of an active verb as in to love, one must work at it.

Lushy said...

I was all ready to start typing that I don't believe in It. Then I read anonymous' comment and found myself thinkging, "but..."

I wish I had the answer. I really do. I, however, am on the relationship short bus, destined to wear my helmet forever.

Sorry I can't offer a great explanation.

Amanda said...

Thinking about it and analyzing it makes my head hurt. So many factors...Can't even begin. Sorry I'm no help! :)

Jenny said...

i like what Goldmoon says...we have lots of -it's- in varying degrees over our lifetime. AND it would still be nice to find someone to grow old with, or at least spend a significant amount of time with... but i'm still trying to figure out if all the times i -thought- i was in love, i was really in love... i do know that it keeps getting in, each person i am involved with gets me closer to the best person for me...i hear ya, sister siz...we've talked about this for years and years...and as many times as we are cynical, we are also hopeful. i think we just have to keep the faith.

sue said...

With only two men have I ever uttered the words: "I want to marry you."

We aren't talkin' the Tomato and Mr. Rodacre, are we? :)

Okay, let's get serious. I met my current husband, or theonewhoshallbeknownas IT when I was SOOO not looking for a man. I was on the backside of a divorce and wanted nothing to DO with men. Ever. Particularily anything to do with marriage, long-term committment, the whole she-bang. But it happened! Despite everything I tried to do to screw it up, it still happened. Now, do I believe in IT? I have to. However, that is not to say that everyone is meant to have an IT, nor does it mean that some people may not have more than one. I know, it's not fair. I've seen people who had the love of their lives, lost them in a tragedy, then re-married a new love of their lives and had blissful happiness throughout the entire time. Why? Who knows.

I too, know people who stayed blissfully single their entire lives and were fulfilled with friends, supportive co-workers, jobs they loved, hobbies they adored, and someone that they cared about deeply to boink. (Am I dating myself here? Do they still say boink?) No long-term committment, just joy of spirit and love of life.

Okay. Suppose I haven't helped one iota, have I? Just know whatever YOU want, you're gonna have. If it's IT, you will have it, no matter how long it takes. If you choose not to have IT... honey, you have so many people who love ya, we just gotta find you someone to boink.

Profound, huh? That's what old age gets you. Words, deafness, and Depends.

Melissa said...

I used to work with a woman about 12 years ago (ohgodIhadgrownupexperiences12yearsago,fuckI'mold)that used to tell me that for every bolt there was a buyer. I'm not so sure I believe, but I do remind myself of it from time to time. Those times usually come after particularly boring/craptastic dates.

Maybe as you grow and live and learn the bolt you are on the market for changes. This season you like the nice chocolate brown suede, last season it was the garnet red shantung, next season it will be the crisp white linen.

Maybe our ITs change as we grow. I know for sure that the IT of 5 years ago would definitly not be the IT of today.

Maybe the trick of all those happy married people is learning how to constantly define each others IT - maturing together so that your ITs are still compatible.

Nihilistic said...

I agree with Goldie! Once the "new" fades away you have to look at what you have...I mean really look at it. Maybe there is something better, maybe not. Oh my god, I could go on and on about this, but I have to be at work in 50 min so I'll just shut up and say I agree with Goldie!

circe said...

What a good question. Hmmmm, cynical Circe's answer....I don't think there is ONE soulmate for one person. I think we grow and change and evolve and to continue with the person chosen to be IT requires a constant growing and changing and re-commitment. (Am I making any sense?)
And who I was at 19 is so not who I am today.
I guess you choose the person you most connect with and can handle the minor flaws of and then both work at smoothing out the edges....

Thomas said...

I don't think there is an "IT" either. But then again I am someone who has been on the dating scene a little while and is getting tired of it.

Maybe "IT" is learning to be content with being single.

Jenster said...

I'm no longer a believer in IT either. I also agree that there are many "ITS" out there for us. Relationships are about change and growth, as we as individuals grow and change. I think that Gronce is absolutely right in saying that sometimes love is a decision. I think that we are lucky if we find someone that makes up happy most of the time. Love and people are not perfect. I think with the right chemistry and an open heart, you can find someone who is an IT for you. It is tiresome looking though. Maybe the key is to not look, and IT will find you??

I think anonymous has never been IN love. Love is a feeling. You can't make yourself love anyone or anything. I think you have to work at relationships, not at love.

Brookelina said...

I wish I knew. I recently thought I had found IT. But the road is filled with obstacles, and I'm not sure that they can be overcome. AmI wrong about this one being IT? Or is this IT and I just have to suck it up and deal?

I don't know.

ocg said...


I found IT one time. IT was amazing… I knew he was The One.
Then he broke up with me over an email while in a foreign land on business…

“apparently this word “IT” does not mean what you think it means”

A very wise friend of mine told me IT was when you were willing to overlook all of those little things that irk you about the other person…

Maybe that is what IT is… but I think that too many people (often women) take this definition and run with it… allowing “little things” to mean a wide array of “notsolittlethings”… and thus their hearts become involved in something that is hurtful… emotionally or physically.

I think that I will have found IT when:
- He delights in my happiness and I in his.
- He will be available to me to let “IT” work… heart mind and soul…and maybe even location…
- He respects me (in all his actions) as much as I would want someone to respect my daughter (if I ever have one)
- He will never deal with my heart in a frivolous manner… he will take my heart is as seriously as I do

I know there are a million more things… and I am not so na├»ve to not think that IT is hard work…

But I do believe IT exists.

Now IT just needs to find me… after all, my love we are so worth it. Just don’t forget that.


Mr_Rodacre said...

First - I agree with jenster. Love is not work. One does not "work" at love. Just as one does not "work" at being happy or "work" at being depressed. We feel what we feel. The work comes in how we integrate our feelings with others in our relationships. That said...

There is an "IT"

I believe that.

I believe IT is different for everyone - as is evidenced by the various replies today. IT happens in different ways and in different times and is usually never what you expect or plan IT to be. The Hollywood version of IT happens in two hours in a way that entertains - there is no brainwashing here - it's a story and people get that. The fact that there are so many variations on the love story throughout time goes to show that it is INDEED different for everyone.

The real version can take years or can happen in the blink of an eye and is usually accompanied by all the little things/annoyances/joys/sorrows/surprises/obstacles that go into making a relationship work. IT can be someone you haven't met yet, or someone right under your nose. IT can be easy or extremely difficult. IT can be happy or IT can be a mess.

I believe a lot of IT is what you make it to be.

But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong... ;-)

Mr_Rodacre said...

...and I like what OC Girl has to say too! =)

Gary said...

IT may be just around the corner. Try to enjoy the hunt, and good luck.

Bill said...

Random thoughts:

1 - IT isn't a Hollywood thing. It's hardwired into most people and has been forever. (Otherwise, how do you explain Shakespeare and things like "Romeo & Juliet" and the gazillion other love stories.)

2 - Love is work over time and romantic stories generally don't include this aspect.

3 - Love doesn't always feel like love - it feels like work.

4 - Love isn't about me. It's about us. Most of us insist on seeing it as being about me.

5 - It's very difficult not to think in terms of "me."

6 - I believe there is an IT but ... we create the IT. IT doesn't show up at our doorstep in a Fed-Ex package. My guess is most people don't recognize the true IT until they've been hooked up for about 10 or 20 years because the true IT involves tenacity. What most people think of as IT is the biological thing that fades. IT often starts with that biological thing but we live in a world where people are quickly bored and move on.

7 - While first impressions are important they are not a human being. To learn someone takes time.

8 - What attracts us to someone also drives us away.

9 - Many relationships start with sexual attraction but my guess is that friendship is the bigger key in discovering IT.

10 - Many, if not most, really long lasting relationships (not just IT relationships) are based on difficult times passed through together. We tend to bail out when times get tough.

11 - I sound like a pontificating ass. I don't know shit about what I'm talking about. But this is what passes through my head.

12 - Life and love would be easier if we all turned off our brains.

Krisco said... are so afraid of actually finding IT you talk yourself out of believing when IT says hello...

Just saying, I think this happens to a lot of people.

I also think there can be a spectrum, and different people can be happy at different levels on the spectrum....but I believe there really are truly ITs too.

Lushy said...

It can be found on ebay. Oh, nevermind. The it on ebay is it with a little "i." Dammit. I thought I was on to something.

Moonchild said...

I know a lot of married people who are extremely unhappy and only married IT to get married so they wouldn't end up alone. I also know a NUN who joined the Monastery because she was short and rotund and didn't want to end up alone and she knew her prospects for finding a mate were slim to none and so she chose IT and became a nun. This is a true tale. I have thought over and over with all the fuckwits that I've been with ... is this truly IT? As in I never saw the positive cuz there wasn't any with them. People make compromises all the time to make their own ITs work. I'm pretty sure Laci Peterson never thought in her wildest dreams that finding her "IT" would end up murdering her and her unborn baby. Life is crazy. You do what you have to do to find your own piece of life, love and maybe IT isn't all it's cracked up to me.

Rabbit said...

I've been with my current guy for about ten months now and we're very happy, but I find myself questioning "Do you think he's The One?" "I don't think I feel any special 'This Is The Person I Want To Spend The Rest Of My Life With' feeling. I'd feel something . . . different, right?" "I don't know if this will continue to work out. Maybe I should look for someone else."

It's maddening! Sometimes I just need to shut off my brain and enjoy what I have now instead of predicting where it could go five years from now. It's not like I'm dying to get married or anything. I think there's just always that fear that a messy break-up could be on the horizon.

Mr_Rodacre said...

Inky - such a ray of sunshine and hope...

Oy vey. I feel like I need therapy now.

D'Andre said...

Wow, I love your blog friends and I hope I can convince you and a few to read up on me. Well regarding "IT", I think the majority of us have problems with this concept because we have been hurt and don't really deal with it before moving on and/or we try to control something that is uncontrollable; "love", "IT", etc...

In order to love someone else, we have to love ourselves first. We have to know ourselves and be honest about the people we are. Not what we desire to be, not what we want people to perceive us as, but the real person inside. Once that happens, then you will know exactly and define exactly what you are looking for in "IT". This happens because once we love and know ourselves, we know what our boundaries are and if the "it" exists outside of the boundaries of what we want "IT" to live, we know then we can move on because "it" doesn't fit...

Also, a lot of us define our desires of "IT" based on society and what others want for us instead of what we want for ourselves... Hollywood gives us the eye contact, the conversation, the KISS, the LOVE and the happily everafter all in 2 hours. This causes us to become impatient (Aries) and make assumptions that since the feeling isn't coming quickly it must not be something real growing there.

In summary; know and love yourself, define you and what you want, then and only then will you know if the person you meet is "IT"...

nancycle said...

I've stopped looking for "IT".

At this point he'll need to spell it out for me if he wants IT.

ie. Look, I want us to be together for now and forever. I'm trying to marry you damn it!

LOL! That would work.