Thursday, January 26, 2006

Eye of the Beholder

I would be lying if I told you that this has been an easy week, emotionally speaking. It hasn't. That's the long and short of it.

I'm at that impass where the feelings that weigh on me can't be spoken (not here, here is too public) but it is all that occupies my mind. I can elude which feels like half-truths which doesn't feel like who I am.

Brevity and dishonesty, they are not my forte.

I have a soggy perspective. Maybe from the tears shed or the rain that fell last night. Why does it feel so much better to cry when it is raining? Trying to do the "right thing" isn't as easy as it sounds. I have found myself in situations this week, I never imagined I would. I have vacilated between bravado and cowardice. I seem to have lost my footing. Who am I again?

After three attempts to make tea, I finally have a cup that is drinkable. I turn the kettle on, wait for the whistle, turn off the burner and forget to pour. I turn the kettle on, pour the boiling water, let the tea steep and forget about it until it has turned cold. I turn the kettle on and wait, warming myself by the blue flame, thinking, why can't I get warm inside? I make the tea. It tastes bitter. I drink it anyhow.

I've slipped into a patch of sorrow. I wasn't watching where I was going. That's what happens when your head is in the clouds. Or buried in the sand. I am reminded that I would rather look a person in the eye than live with the regret of not being authentic. . . of not owning up to my part. I would rather know than not know. The truth, I can handle. I can work with. I can make sense of it. Eventually. Is it just me or do you also see everyone living some semblance of a lie?

Myself included.

I say: Yes, I knew and I didn't tell you. I couldn't.

I say: Yes, I broke your heart. I understand why risk is so frightening. I wish you could trust me.

I say: I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.

. . . mostly to myself. . .

24 comments:

Kilt Trip said...

Okay, I figured out why I couldn't comment on your blog...stupid pop-up blocker.
Things get better. Yes, most people live a bit of a lie, either by outright lies or dissembling the truth. That doesn't make them bad people. Truthfully, I don't want to know everything about everybody. And unless they're hiding something that could hurt me directly, it's none of my business.

Melissa said...

There are times when I'll do or say something and stop so I can ask myself why. Why didn't I say what I really thought? Why didn't I just tell him I didn't want to go? Why didn't I stand up for that? It makes me wonder why I am not using my backbone.

One of the things I've found it important to remember is that I can't fight every battle. Just because I'd like to step in and make the whole situation better, say the right thing, do the right thing, be the better person, doesn't mean I should. I have to pick my battles. One of those battles being learning when to say, "I just can't." Today I'm not Joan of Arc. Today I'm just Melissa and not that strong.

I hope your blues ebb soon, you are a genuinely good person. Remember to be gentle with yourself - the rest of the world will beat you up, you don't have to.

Lushy said...

*hugs*

GASP: my verification word is ipudgy. Now even blogger is calling me fat? bastards... :)

Sizzle said...

oh lushy girl you always make me laugh!

mel & rob: thanks for your words. so true...

Bill said...

I'm sorry you're sorry. But, if we were not imperfect, we would be boring. And I'm also so sorry for this but ... I ... can't ... RESIST ...!!!!!

Sorry!

gronce said...

Do you even know how much you rock?!

Sizzle said...

Bill- seriously, that link is hilarious. hey everybody, click it!

gronce- no. but thanks for saying so! :)

Bill said...

I certainly made me laugh. But now that damn thing's stuck in my head!

Bill said...

"It" made me laugh. Where did the 't' go?

alissa said...

Hang in there, you wouldn't be feeling "sorry" if you didn't know who you were and that's priceless.

You're in my thoughts!

gorillabuns said...

i think we all live in a semblance of a lie. i don't think a lot of people really know who they are much less have the ability to let you know their true self.
don't beat yourself over a situation you can't change. whatever happened, happened. i'm sure your intention was never meant to be hurtful. you truly seem to be such a caring person!

Jenny said...

this too shall pass...and it will be much better in a few days. i'm bein' neutral. is it working? much luv and hugs, my good friend.

Bob Merrick said...

who
who am I to be blue
look at my family and fortune
look at my friends and my house

who
who am I to feel deadened
who am I to feel spent
look at my health and my money

and where
where do I go to feel good
why do I still look outside me
clearly I've seen it won't work

is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable
is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire
and my generousity has been disabled
by this, my sense of duty to offer

and why
why do I feel so ungrateful
me who is far beyond survival
me who sees life as an oyster

is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable
is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire
and my generousity has been disabled
by this, my sense of duty to offer

and how
how dare I rest on my laurels
how dare I ignore an outstretched hand
how dare I ignore a third world country

is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable
is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire
and my generousity has been disabled
by this, my sense of duty to offer

who
who am I to be blue

Amanda said...

Take Care Sizzle...
It will pass. I promise. :)

Jenster said...

I think we all live some form of our own lie. I don't think anyone has a perfect life. So we tell ourselves little white lies along the way to make what is wrong better. You can't be everything to everyone. You can only be who you are to yourself. It is important to stop and take a personal inventory every once in a while. Then you have to determine if you are still on the right path, or if perhaps you need to find a new path. I know easier said than done! Keep your chin up! Things will get better!

Bill- Love the sock puppets!

Neil said...

Be easy on yourself. Think how long the two of you have been together. And you're still together. That's real commitment.

ocg said...

Sizz-

Hoping that this isn't too terribly cheesy... but I thought of you when this song (Chemical Brothers)came on today...


So do, I warn you
I see things when I hold you
But I’ve whispered: "it’s alright"
It is you and me and a long night

You're a ghost in the doorway,
I can see through, but I hold tight,
I’ll just stay on holding until it hurts,
I just want you to know your lovely,


You're a ghost in the doorway,
I can see through, but I hold tight,
I’ll just stay on holding until it hurts,
I just want you to know your lovely,

Don’t worry, nothing can go wrong,
Don’t worry, nothing can go wrong,
Don’t worry, nothing can go wrong,
Don’t worry, nothing can go wrong



So don't worry Sizz... nothing can go wrong...

Paul said...

I don't mean to belittle anything in this post, but I must tell you that I've never felt the need to cry when it was raining, or that crying while it was raining felt more normal than crying when it was clear out.

I often just cry for no reason, or when I'm watching The Color Purple -- but rain? Eh. Not so much.

Nihilistic said...

*hug*

Krisco said...

Oh, Ms Sizz, now I worry about you again!

And those last few lines - they hit home. Hard. That is me.

I don't think it's helpful to know other people have done the same - at the conceptual level - but. That is me.

Mikey said...

I know a whole lot of people who are just as upset about what you are upset about. I know you can't go into details. I may write about it on my blog and not mention inside details I don't know the inside anyway. The externel details I do know, and I am very angry about the situation.

The Witch said...

Consider yourself hugged and kissed gently on the forehead.

For what it's worth-there is some spiritual release when one cries while it's raining.

You are such a warm and genuine person.

Best of luck with your situation.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Keep your pretty chin up, Sizz. From your blog, I've learned that you're a sensitive and insightful person. I'm sure you'll find your way.

sue said...

Oh, dear... days have gone by and I've missed this. I'm sorry not to have been here for you. I'll read on and hope things have gotten better... {{{{hugs}}}}}}