Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Testing 1, 2, 3. .

I am testing a theory.

Over the course of my adult life, I have noticed a trend and from that trend, I have formulated a theory. It is this:

When I go off birth control, I suddenly get a lot of men hitting on me (cue the chickapowpow music). When I go on birth control, my sex life becomes barren and dry like the Sahara (cue the wind and sand storms).

I've been in "relationships" where I have decided for one reason or another to go on the pill and once that is stated out loud in the universe, all sex ceases. So much for being proactive and safe. I suppose it is the safest form of all- the No Sex At All birth control method. I am sure to not get pregnant that way. Well, unless, God picks me for the next immaculate conception. But let's be real people, I have been somewhat of a heathen vixen, so the likelihood of God picking me to birth Jesus II is about as likely as me winning the lottery.

All this being said, I have been recently reminded of what happens when I go off birth control. After reading about the patch, I decided to save my $25 and just go without. And what happens? You got it. Men are coming out of the woodwork.

Do men have a sixth sense for this sort of thing?


In the last week, the following has occurred:

-The *Irishman* (I know, I haven't told you about him but just work with me here) continues to text message me as it is now his only means of communicating with me. I have blocked his emails and his IMs. He creeped me out and I literally said, "*Irishman* fuck off!" And yet, he persists. I can't even blame a language barrier. Now he wants to know if I hate him. No, dear, I don't hate you. I just don't give a crap.

-The *Guider* has, after two months of no communication, suddenly emailed me with the following: "Hey gorgeous! Cancel your plans for Friday. I am taking you to sushi and a movie." Uh ok, Mr. Guider except that a) you are a guider and b) every time I see you, I leave feeling like a whore. Hmmm. And yet, you strike me at my most vulnerable and offer free sushi. Damn you for knowing my weakness!

-My friend's housemate whom we shall call Dead Kennedy. Granted, we had been drinking for 6 hours and I am a notorious flirt. Granted, this wasn't the first time I had been solicited for a threesome. But there was an odd moment where JB, Dead Kennedy, myself and the girl Dead Kennedy "hangs out with" (which we all know is code for "we have sex but don't commit" also known as "she would like to date him but all he is offering is sex.") were all feeling each other up. Yes, six hours of drinking wine is probably a recipe for a disaster (also known as "a threesome"). I did, however, let Dead Kennedy borrow my Super Sex book. I got the feeling he needed it.

Is this what they mean by Murphy's Law?

25 comments:

alissa said...

I have a similiar situation whenever I get a bikini wax. The two times I've actually paid for this service, something has happened where I'm the only one who gets to see it. I think it's God punishing me and telling me not to have sex. Endure the pain of the wax, but don't reap any of the benefits. Damn.

Neil said...

I was sitting here eating my breakfast when all of a sudden I can smell this scent wafting in from the open patio door. It was the most arousing smell I had ever encounted. The wind seemed to be blowing it in from up North... sort of from the Santa Cruz area... Is it possible, I thought? Is that the amazingly sensual smell of a woman off birth control. I became like a caged animal, tossing my Cheerios against the wall, tossing my coffee at the TV. The only way to stop my insanity was pouring my Tropicana Fresh-Squeezed Orange Juice down my pants, which snapped me out of my my craziness. Luckily, I held my breath until I slammed the patio door shut.

Ms. Sizzle, how could you do this to us?!

Sizzle said...

Neil, AKA "Sticky Pants," thanks for the laugh my friend.

Alissa, why must God punish us so? Hee hee.

;) sizz

Bill said...

This seems to be in keeping with my theory that you never get what you want until you don't want it and, as long as you want something, you'll never get it. It's the Spiteful Universe theory. (Also, when you do get what you want it's never quite what you expected - sort of the Monkey's Paw idea.)

The one thing I noticed is that it sounds like the men coming out of the woodwork seem to be ... uh, shall we say, placed rather low on the desirability scale? Well, you make it sound that way.

I stopped buying condoms once - what was the point? It was clear I would never use them. As soon as I did - poof! I'm getting hit on left and right. But ... the wonder lost it's glow when they turned out all to be angry women and other guys.

I quickly went out and bought a caseload of condoms. And I haven't had sex since!

gorillabuns said...

i don't know why this happens but it does. murphy is a mean thing... kinda like not shaving your legs before going out or going on a date to only get drunk and sleep with the guy prickly legs and all.

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

OMG! Sizzle...you could always just have sex with women...problem soloved! *grin* There I go being a bad influence!

LOVE the pictures!

kathryn said...

Uh-huh - no shaving does it, too! It is SO frigging irritating! Whevever I'm totally disgusting, unshaven and anti-social, that is when my fella is climbing all over me. WTF??!!!

Mrs. Ca said...

That always happened for me as soon as I started dating someone - the men would start coming after me as soon as the man I was seeing called me a girlfriend. Luckily that has stopped now that I'm married. The handsome husband plus the wedding band seems to be some kind of super forcefield and I haven't been flirted with in quite some time (save for some drunk rednecks at the local bar that I don't count because, well because they don't count.)

whoorl said...

what about cotton granny panties?

i had a huge drawer full of lacy getups, but every time i threw on the grannies for an innocent evening out, it was makeout city by the end of the night.

Sizzle said...

in a conversation i just had with my BFF she said:

"men sense vulnerability in a woman like a dog senses fear."

discuss.

Kris said...

Oh yeah. I'm convinced that men sense both vulnerability and the absence of panties/presence of pasties.

Shaving? Cotton panties? Nah. My beau always seems to want to get it on when I haven't brushed my teeth in three days.




crickets.

Aimee said...

I was just thinking about this very thing this morning! I met a very cute much younger guy recently and agreed to an impromptu dinner. Of course the evening culminated in an intoxicating make-out session, and there I was in my cotton granny panties with oh-so-hairy legs. (Aargh!) We agreed to touch base and get together again soon, so the next day I shaved, did a quick load of delicates and bought a box of condoms. Wouldn't you know, I haven't heard a word from him since! Dammit, when will I ever learn?

Melissa said...

God just has a cruel sense of humor...

It's true though, you shave, wax, primp, polish and perfume behind the knees and at the end of the date you don't even want to kiss him goodnight. It's when you don't shave or wax or primp or polish and perfume anywhere is just forgotten that you end up with your knees beside your ears...

Sizzle said...

how come the boys are being silent? are neil and bill the only brave ones to attempt to answer this?

hmmmm. very curious indeed!

;) sizz

Krisco said...

Ms Sizz,
You are too funny. I was going to say maybe there really is some hormone thing going on...when I realized some of those guys are cyber-approaching, so there goes that theory.
It must be a theories of the universe thing...

K.

Bill said...

If I could just throw in one more thing here ... if we all just lightened up we'd all get laid a lot more often. Women ... do you really think a guy's going to say, "Sorry, darling ... no sex tonight - not if you're wearing those drawers."

Mu suspicion is that people are more attractive when they aren't trying because they are much more themselves, and that is what is attractive.

Just a thought!

Star Effer said...

word up, billiam. i totally agree on the "not trying" theory. i've never gotten more attention from women than when i've been in committed relationships. and of course, i could never act on that attention because i didn't want to lose a good thing with the girlfriend-of-the-moment (or G.O.T.M.s).

But, much like mrs.ca, now that I have a ring on my finger that mojo has gone the way of the dinosaur for me. I don't even get hit on by the drunk rednecks at the local bar (yes, there are redneck women).

Neil said...

Am I allowed to ask something -- what is a "guider?" Should I know that?

mrsmogul said...

How True! When I was single, it was totally that. Now that I'm pregnant, I get hit on all the time! :)

Bill said...

Good question - I was wondering that too. What's a "guider?"

Sizzle said...

A guider is a guy who "guides" a woman's hand to his cock, generally before sufficient foreplay and usually without any verbal cues. I find it to be presumptuous and a total turn off.

Well, at least with him it was. ;)

Aimee said...

Ohhh... I don't like guiders either! Especially now that I know what they're called.

Bex said...

i always get laid more when i'm off the pill. especially if i've just gone off it.

Mo-Pie said...

It may be because Most men don't like the word "Birth", especially when a relationship is an on and off relationship... they here the words Birth and think, "Babies, Father, Marriage... That's it, No Sex!"

Also, most men don't like the word "Control", when they hear the word Control they think, "Marriage, whipped, Wife, no life... That's it, Not Sex!"

But when there is no thought of "Birth" or "Control", than it is easier for a man to be all like, "Wow your sexy..." and "Come to Papa..." and "Who's your Daddy...?" and "Get Some...!"

Try not to say... or even think the words "Birth Control" next time, and I'm willing to bet that you will indeed, "Get Some!"

Or it may just be a big coincidence.

BTW... I love it when the secret letters are so close together that you can't even make them out... some are worse than this.

sue said...

yep. I just don't get it. I'd guess a hormone thing, too, except for the cyber aspect. Hmmm...

Can't help ya, Siz... I've been "fixed" for years and years...