Sunday, August 28, 2005

Dreams & A Wake Up Call

I awoke to the startling sounds of my kitten knocking breakables off my desk. I lept out of bed to remove her from her perilous perch when she sunk her claws so deep into my arm and pinkie finger, she drew blood. No wonder my body looks like a battleground and I haven't had a decent sleep in the last two months.

While I was cleaning the cuts, I recalled the very vivid dreams I had deamt that night. This is odd because if I do dream, I generally do not recall what it was about upon waking.

I won't bore you with the minute details of my dreams- don't you hate it when someone is going on in detail about some dream they had and it is super boring to you and you secretly wish they'd shut up already? Uh, ok, maybe that is just me.

In my first dream, I was at a park with many people. We were at a long table and there seemed to be an air of antagonism and tension. I think we were making signs for a political rally. My sister was there. We noticed some strange dusty powder in a long trail on the grass but dismissed it as some sort of fertilizer. Later, there was chaos and people were running and screaming and pushing each other to get away. The mysterious powder was self-combusting and blowing people up! I was being pulled by some people to safety but I broke away yelling, "I have to find my sister!" When I located her I was screaming for her to get off the grass. She ran into the road and to the other side of the street and immediately the grass upon which she ran lit up in a burst of flames and she died before my very eyes. My dream warped time through future years and I never recovered and lived in a very depressed state. Wouldn't you?

I hate that dream. I know in dream analysis her death doesn't mean she actually is going to die but more than likely something dramatic is shifting in her life or in our relationship. She DID just move back to Washington. I wish I could forget that dream. Go away disturbing dream!

The details of the other dream aren't all that interesting. It had to do with my leggy neighbor Z, her taking over our shared yard and letting my dog run free to attack other dogs. At one point I slapped her across the face. And then I made nicey nice with her visiting family and they all took my side. I am thinking maybe I just don't like the ugly yard furniture they have strewn about the backyard?

I wonder why I remember some dreams but not others. Any ideas?

* * * * * *

The family picnic was a lot of fun. Sure, the dysfunction was apparent but for the most part everyone was on their best behavior. We can't seem to get the food right. Last year we had too many snacks and not enough real food. This year we had a surplus of chicken. Next year, I am going to set up a better system. The event planner in me can't help it.

Everyone kept asking me how I am which was nice and all but I didn't know how to answer. I said I am doing "okay". It isn't that I have a bad life- quite the contrary- but I feel a bit in limbo. How can one summerize their internal angst to a relative they haven't spoken to in a year? You don't really. You just say you're "fine" or "good" and move on with other topics. I was a bit disturbed by the realization that I am the fat cousin. And by a "bit disturbed' I mean, totally freaked out. Amongst my 16 first cousins, I am the heaviest. The rest are all petite and compact or tall and leggy. How come I never noticed this before? Maybe I did but hadn't been around the entire clan at once in so long I'd forgotten.

I mentioned it to my Aunt Sharon and she said, "Oh, just come over and hang out with me and your mom." Is that because we are all of similar sizes? When I saw my Aunt Sharon's son (my cousin Joey), whom I hadn't seen in about 4 years, the first thing he said to me was, "Woah. You look like my mom." I guess that isn't too far off since we both have the same coloring- freckles, dark brown hair with hints of auburn and brown eyes- not to mention that we are both curvy ladies.

Even when you are making a self-deprecating joke about being the "fat cousin", I learned that it makes all the not fat cousins over-compensate which makes the whole situation messy. Cuz then everyone is pouring on the compliments and really, you just wanted to make a joke. Guess it is better to just zip it and call up your girlfriends on the ride home to commiserate and then get up the next morning and go for a long walk and maybe stop eating entirely. Ok, not that last one, though the idea briefly flitted across my mind.

Don't get me wrong. I don't walk around in the world thinking I am an unattractive person. It took me a long, long time to love myself and, for the most part, like what I look like. But maybe only fat people or the formerly fat can grasp that elusive feeling of being outside, of being less than because your body isn't like everyone else's in the room. It's a feeling of separation that I can't wholly describe. And it is a bit haunting. Like even after you leave that situation, it's weighing on you.

Excuse the pun.

(Please do not leave me comments about dieting or what worked for you. I just wanted to get this off my chest, not solicit weight loss advice. I know all about that and frankly, my issue has a lot more to do with my emotions than my eating habits. Plus, you don't want to piss a fat person off- it can be dangerous.)

14 comments:

gorillabuns said...

i totally emphathize with the elusive feeling of "being outside or less than because your body isn't like everyone else's in the room." i hate feeling i constantly have to be funny or enlightening to hopefully camouflage the bigger me. the comment i really hate to hear is you have such a beautiful face. yeah, i know it doesn't match my fat ass.

Sizzle said...

i am intimately acquainted with that one too. when it is said, it often feels as though there is the unspoken "but" lingering after it- as in "but too bad you are fat."

i guess the good news is, we have pretty faces. it could be worse, right? ;)

kim e said...

Yes!

Paul said...

I have no dieting advice for you whastoever.

Mr_Rodacre said...

I understand the insecurities of being overweight - I have them myself - but you know what? There are fat girls who are sexy as all get out and there are skinny girls who are just plain ugly... I know... I have dated both...

...you, My Dear Sizzle, are beautiful... inside and out... =)

GiddyGirlie said...

you know if you just cut back the pizza... ;-)

I have an even WORSE story. I am the new Fat Cousin, because the former had gastric bypass and now is slim and trim and got a boob job and a spanky new haircut and is whooping up the single life... and I am the fat married lady, reaching back for the Doritos. To add insult to injury, my Really Big Aunt will always say things like "whoa, packin' on the pounds, huh?" or "are you pregnant? no, well, I just thought you were looking more chubby in the face" -- nevermind that she's breaking the lawn chair. Ugh. I don't mind being the Fatty Boombalatty, but I also don't cluck about someone else going up a pant size.

[/hissy fit]

Sizzle said...

kim- uh huh!

paul- thank goodness

mr. rodacre- you are too kind.

giddy- someone needs to bitchslap your aunt right out of that lawn chair! you are the cutest. they are dumb.

Neil said...

I also wonder why some dreams we remember and some we don't. I'm not much of a believer in dream interpretation, but sometimes I try really hard to remember my dreams -- mostly because they are so much more creative and wild than anything I could come up with while awake. I've slept with a pad by my side many times, hoping to write down the dream when I wake up, but usually it just disappears the minute the alarm rings.

Jenny said...

All I can say is, I'm right there with ya. And thank god we are attractive...who wants to be fat and ugly! Ok that's mean, but you get the point.

sue said...

First, I was always told we all dream - for me, it seems to be if I'm awakened during one. I dream a lot and usually remember them, even occasionally writing them down. 'nuf said.

The other, well, I was skinny as a rail throughout high school (can you say anorexic?) I wasn't, but looked it. Very tall. Then, started having babies and now am a "large" lady. Still tall, so I carry it better than some, but heavier than I should be. I, too, know the talk of "pretty face..." but it doesn't help. I go back and forth between feeling okay about myself and wishing the latest diet would work. To his credit, my Hubby is the best. He loves me and treats me the same if I'm on a heavy year or a lighter one.

From what I've seen of pics, you really are a gorgeous woman and if I were gay (if) I'd sure give it a shot to get together with you.... you're terrific!

Neil said...

Hey, I thought you were straight! You look good in your pictures, whatever you are!

Sizzle said...

Neil, I AM straight! People keep trying to get me to switch teams but I like boys too damn much.

Neil said...

Yeah for our side!

sue said...

Sizzle - hope I didn't make the wrong impression. I KNOW you're not gay. Just making a point...! LOL!