Dreams & A Wake Up Call

I awoke to the startling sounds of my kitten knocking breakables off my desk. I lept out of bed to remove her from her perilous perch when she sunk her claws so deep into my arm and pinkie finger, she drew blood. No wonder my body looks like a battleground and I haven't had a decent sleep in the last two months.

While I was cleaning the cuts, I recalled the very vivid dreams I had deamt that night. This is odd because if I do dream, I generally do not recall what it was about upon waking.

I won't bore you with the minute details of my dreams- don't you hate it when someone is going on in detail about some dream they had and it is super boring to you and you secretly wish they'd shut up already? Uh, ok, maybe that is just me.

In my first dream, I was at a park with many people. We were at a long table and there seemed to be an air of antagonism and tension. I think we were making signs for a political rally. My sister was there. We noticed some strange dusty powder in a long trail on the grass but dismissed it as some sort of fertilizer. Later, there was chaos and people were running and screaming and pushing each other to get away. The mysterious powder was self-combusting and blowing people up! I was being pulled by some people to safety but I broke away yelling, "I have to find my sister!" When I located her I was screaming for her to get off the grass. She ran into the road and to the other side of the street and immediately the grass upon which she ran lit up in a burst of flames and she died before my very eyes. My dream warped time through future years and I never recovered and lived in a very depressed state. Wouldn't you?

I hate that dream. I know in dream analysis her death doesn't mean she actually is going to die but more than likely something dramatic is shifting in her life or in our relationship. She DID just move back to Washington. I wish I could forget that dream. Go away disturbing dream!

The details of the other dream aren't all that interesting. It had to do with my leggy neighbor Z, her taking over our shared yard and letting my dog run free to attack other dogs. At one point I slapped her across the face. And then I made nicey nice with her visiting family and they all took my side. I am thinking maybe I just don't like the ugly yard furniture they have strewn about the backyard?

I wonder why I remember some dreams but not others. Any ideas?

* * * * * *

The family picnic was a lot of fun. Sure, the dysfunction was apparent but for the most part everyone was on their best behavior. We can't seem to get the food right. Last year we had too many snacks and not enough real food. This year we had a surplus of chicken. Next year, I am going to set up a better system. The event planner in me can't help it.

Everyone kept asking me how I am which was nice and all but I didn't know how to answer. I said I am doing "okay". It isn't that I have a bad life- quite the contrary- but I feel a bit in limbo. How can one summerize their internal angst to a relative they haven't spoken to in a year? You don't really. You just say you're "fine" or "good" and move on with other topics. I was a bit disturbed by the realization that I am the fat cousin. And by a "bit disturbed' I mean, totally freaked out. Amongst my 16 first cousins, I am the heaviest. The rest are all petite and compact or tall and leggy. How come I never noticed this before? Maybe I did but hadn't been around the entire clan at once in so long I'd forgotten.

I mentioned it to my Aunt Sharon and she said, "Oh, just come over and hang out with me and your mom." Is that because we are all of similar sizes? When I saw my Aunt Sharon's son (my cousin Joey), whom I hadn't seen in about 4 years, the first thing he said to me was, "Woah. You look like my mom." I guess that isn't too far off since we both have the same coloring- freckles, dark brown hair with hints of auburn and brown eyes- not to mention that we are both curvy ladies.

Even when you are making a self-deprecating joke about being the "fat cousin", I learned that it makes all the not fat cousins over-compensate which makes the whole situation messy. Cuz then everyone is pouring on the compliments and really, you just wanted to make a joke. Guess it is better to just zip it and call up your girlfriends on the ride home to commiserate and then get up the next morning and go for a long walk and maybe stop eating entirely. Ok, not that last one, though the idea briefly flitted across my mind.

Don't get me wrong. I don't walk around in the world thinking I am an unattractive person. It took me a long, long time to love myself and, for the most part, like what I look like. But maybe only fat people or the formerly fat can grasp that elusive feeling of being outside, of being less than because your body isn't like everyone else's in the room. It's a feeling of separation that I can't wholly describe. And it is a bit haunting. Like even after you leave that situation, it's weighing on you.

Excuse the pun.

(Please do not leave me comments about dieting or what worked for you. I just wanted to get this off my chest, not solicit weight loss advice. I know all about that and frankly, my issue has a lot more to do with my emotions than my eating habits. Plus, you don't want to piss a fat person off- it can be dangerous.)