Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Truth of Today

I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, explain myself to anyone, feel anything for anyone, give a shit about anything or make any sense whatsoever. I don't want to see people I talk to or talk to people I see or feel anything for people I see or talk to. I don't want to make sense of myself, my moods, my life, who you are in relation to me or what the fuck I mean when I say XYZ. I want everyone to go away.

This is not a good feeling. I haven't felt like this in a while. I am hoping it is a phase I will get over. Quickly. Like in minutes. Seconds would be better but I am not holding my breath.

Today was shit. Job bullshit times 10. Feeling used, under-compensated, irritated and completely ready to bail on this sinking ship. Friendships on the fritz. Too much on my mind and no readily available answers. I feel like throwing myself on the floor for a hissy fit. A wailing, crying, screaming fit. It might make me feel a lot better. Maybe I will find my faith, rubbed into the dirty carpet.

I don't want to date anyone, commit to anyone, get married, settle down, go through the bullshit of swaping life stories via email. I don't want to call anyone back. I don't have the energy. I don't have the interest. I am too worn out, bruised up, jaded and distrustful. I do not feel bold enough to risk the small amount of safety I have built up.

I like my cats, my dog, my books and tea. Sometimes I like long walks and usually I like sitting by the ocean in solitude and quiet. I like being alone. Alone is good. Not forever. Just for now.

7 comments:

Mr_Rodacre said...

You, My Dear Shaunessy, are the Lloyd Dobler of emotional complexity and neuroses... and I love you for that...

Bob Merrick said...

Does this mean the UPS man didn't call?

sue said...

Uh...okay. I'll just say this - we love you. {{{Hugs}}}

Sizzle said...

UPS guy has absolutely nothing to do with this post.

Anonymous said...

you have hit the wall!
the only way out is to climb over it! Start climbing and don't look down! Once your on the other side the world will look a whole lot brighter!
m

kim e said...

When I feel like this, the only solution is to turn off the phone, crank the chick tunes, run yourself a hot bath, and drink chardonnay right out of the bottle...the whole bottle.

Hope you're feeling better :)

Double B said...

Someone I know once said "Roll me a joint and turn up the Hi-Fi..."