Saturday, May 28, 2005

Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round

I'm a bit better today. Still sniffly and stuffy headed but still, better. Thanks for all the well wishes, they are working wonders.

I'm taking a "Me Day". Not gonna answer the phone or respond to emails. Just gonna go about my day solo without outside interruption. The thought of this is somewhat terrifying, to tell you the truth. I get a mean case of the "shoulds" when I take time for myself. I should be meeting up with friends. I should be doing something fun and adventurous. I should have some sort of revelation in the midst of my quiet time that will make some dramatic change in my life. Please! (She implores, rolling her eyes.) I'm easily consumed by the merry-go-round of thoughts disrupting what could be a lovely day of solitude. My meditation from yesterday (in The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo) said: "No amount of thinking can stop thinking." So simple, yet so profound. He goes on to say: "I'm reminded of Einstein's insight that the manner of thinking that creates a problem cannot be the means by which to solve it. In simple terms, when spinning out, the only thing to do, hard as it seems, is to get off the mental merry-go-round."

And that is what today is for. I am going to do the opposite of what I would usually do when stuck in an overthinking pattern. I am going to let go of the guilt. I'm going to stop midthought and change course. Because no amount of thinking is going to change the fact that everything I think I need or lack is already inside me, in my heart. . .under the mind's ceaseless chatter, the insecurities, the petty dramas. . .I've already got it. I just need to go deeper. As much as I hate being sick, I am grateful for this head cold. It's forced me to slow down and just be. I am hoping to come out of this feeling more centered and grounded. And maybe it will even chase my head cold away. ;)

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