Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Did I mention that I smoke pot?

Hillz took the liberty of providing a different (read: truthful) version of dill-hole's (aka, Mr. Grass, aka Nick) Yahoo Personal's ad. It was so hilarious, I had to share with you all....


My name is Nick, I live in Bonny Doon, CA, and I am a loser. I live in the guest house of my half-time employer, a paralyzed man who is too debilitated to realize that I'm using his property to grow copious amounts of weed. I just moved here 3 weeks ago because I'm a giant, unemployed, pot smoking, homeless loser, and I had nowhere else to go.

In that time this poor, unsuspecting man paid for my sorry ass to go on a 13 day trip to New Orleans for Jazz Fest. I had an incredible time dancing, partying, and listening to some great music. I assume my part-time employer had an incredible time, too. I'd ask him, but I am such a burnout that I left him in the hotel room in Nola. I got to visit with my mother and sister who live there. I think it was all meant to be. I think everything is meant to be, unless it doesn't go my way. Then I think it's a product of the rest of the world being shallow and emotionally undeveloped, which thankfully I am not, because I'm really into healing and knowledge and... wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, a fresh bowl. Stoked!

When I am not hanging out, mooching off my part-time employer, I spend my time smoking pot. Sometimes I do construction and remodeling, but usually, I find it gets in the way of my pot smoking. Before that I was in the computer field for 10 years. It was cool out there, in the computer field. All the fresh air and flowers. It kinda sucked that I had to hide my tent & stuff, since living in the Wilder computer field is illegal. Oh wait. I was talking about work, not my homeless, I-wanna-get- in-touch-with-my-greater-self-by-living-illegally-off-of-state-land phase. Whoa. Stony!

My longest relationship has been 5 years. Clearly, she was as big of a mess as I was. Thankfully, we were into group sex b/c, given how much pot I smoke, I have a pretty short attention span and I never would have been able to maintain monogamy for that long.

So here I am. A product of my own pitiful choices. Its raining outside and I am lonely. I would go in search of some good luv'n, but I'm too stoned to get my lame ass off the couch.

You know how to make up when things have been difficult, which they will almost always be with me. You know how to come back to a good place in your heart with your love, and you'll need that compassion, b/c I'm a shallow, self-involved, emotionally insincere, piece of crap. Beyond that, well, its mostly about how much you'll put up with, and how OK you'll be about my addiction to pot. Did I mention that I smoke pot?


Tonawanda Kardex said...

This is funny.

Brother, can you spare a bowl?

Anonymous said...


The only thing more beautiful would be for a complete stranger to e-mail him this rewrite under the guise of "ok, so let me make sure i'm picking up what you're putting down".

Did I mention that I am a complete stranger?

- jules

Anonymous said...

the wise ms. hillz, brilliant and hillarious, as always... too perfect.

sue said...

OMG...TOOOOO funny!

Sony Ericsson Takes Over Title said...

WOW!!! Man…

This site is awesome.
I have checked it for a wile and I like it so much.
Really! Most be more sites like this one.
This is a little info for people that want to learn of bongs.
This info is more extensive than this but you can get a superficial idea reading this and
Avoid mistake when you’re starting to use it.
• The base is filled with water to the depth dictated by the bong. Water quality can include use of tap water, which may promote mineral buildup, or distilled water, which deposits less residue on the smoking equipment and is easier on lungs. Sometimes other liquids are used, e.g., lime water, giving the smoke a different taste. More rarely, liquids like Coca-Cola and herbal teas are used. However, such liquids can make cleaning difficult and time-consuming.
• The substance to be smoked is packed into the bowl and ignited. Cigarette lighters and matches are commonly used for ignition. Packing the bowl is a balance between filling it with enough substance to create a useful amount of smoke and leaving enough room for air to be sucked through the substance.

When inhaling, the volume of the lungs increases, causing the air in the lungs to decrease in pressure. The air in the lungs is then at a lower pressure than the air in the atmosphere. The pressure difference causes a flow of air from outside of the bong through the bowl picking up smoke from the burning substance. The smoke then bubbles through water and on into the chamber where it is temporarily held. Once the chamber is full to the smokers desired capacity, the hole above the water level is uncovered, either the bowl is pulled out of the stem, or, in bongs with an attached bowl a "carb" or "Shotgun" (a small hole that is covered by the thumb) is uncovered and the smoke is inhaled into the lungs. Once in the lungs, the active chemicals in the smoke are absorbed into the blood stream.
And you maybe want to learn more about it.
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