Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The Big Easy

The other night in my Forgiveness Class, one of my classmates said aloud in a sort of rhetorical manner: "When will it get easy?" I happened to be standing near her waiting for my turn to make a cup of tea and so I retorted, "It won't." She went on to say that the whole point is for it to get easier and all she wants is to be happy and have life be easy. Well, good luck lady, cuz you are gonna need it. And while you're at it, could you make my life a whole lot easier by not being such a heavy breather during mediation and also, please shut the fuck up during the visualization. I don't need to hear your voice in an audible whisper saying "I forgive you" while I'm trying to focus. Thanks.

. . . And Breathe. I forgive her for annoying me. Hee hee. ;)

The thing is, it's not that I prefer for things to be hard, it's just that if I went into every situation thinking it will be easy, I would be disappointed a lot. Life is hard. Period. Hard doesn't equal crappy in my book though. I just don't agree that the point of life, or of any self-exploration you might embark on, is to make life easier. More meaningful, more authentic, more rewarding or satisfying, yes. Easier, no. I didn't sign up for Forgiveness Class as a way of finding the map to Easy Street. I signed up cuz I want to unload my heavy burden of sorrow, anger and resentment. I want to be free to let go of all the crap that isn't serving me one iota. And there is a whole of it, it turns out.

The more I think on it and attend class, the more I see that the things I have chosen to hang onto are just my way of playing the victim. It's like I made all those hurts my old friend and they've become a twisted comfort to me. I've let them define me. In each instance, I have the power to choose how I react, who I want to be. It is so empowering to think of it like that. Sure, it is scary to let go and redefine yourself but the rewards, well, they seem like more than a fair trade off.

No comments: